All Comments on 'Weird but Awesome Day!'

by LoKFan

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IrvingParkeIrvingParkealmost 6 years ago

You've got a good idea here, but I have a few tips for you.

First, you need to do more world building. Why was this new national holiday declared? What happened to make it a holiday, and why? There would be a lot of objections to overcome if this were to happen in a world similar to ours, so are people still opposed to this idea of everyone being naked for a day, and if not, then what happened for the majority to approve of this? And if the majority DO approve of this, then surely trans and intersex people are seen in all their naked glory on this holiday, as well, so why would Kate be reluctant to participate? Does she oppose the holiday? Or is this perhaps the first year the holiday has taken place, so she doesn't know how people like her will be treated? Those kinds of details help the reader suspend their disbelief. Because right now, as it is, it's hard to believe this world exists. You just kinda tossed us into and said "this is how it is." Readers can't simply accept that, you have to explain WHY this is how it is.

Secondly, you need to do more character building. Kate and Anita are best friends, that much we know. But how long have they known each other? Two female best friends, and Anita didn't know that Kate is either trans or intersex? That doesn't seem very likely; female best friends confide just about everything in each other. So either they haven't known each other very well for very long, or there's a REALLY good reason for Kate not having divulged that information to her best friend for however many years they've known each other. Especially if they're having sleepovers, because if it's been a long time, you'd think Anita would have found out by accident or something well before now.

And finally -- and the other two points will help with this -- the whole thing is very rushed. Even for a quick one-shot story, it needs to play out a bit more. The way it reads now, it seems like "they did this, there's some dialog, that finished, then they did this, there's some dialog, that finished, then they moved onto the next thing." Erotic stories are all about making the acts taking place into a dramatic description of what's going on. And to your credit, you DID explore some of that, but it's just quick little snippets. You want to go into detail. What did Kate see? What did she hear? What did she feel? What's her emotional state in that moment? How is Anita reacting? How is Anita expressing herself physically? You don't even necessarily have to get poetic with it, just make it something that transports the reader to that place and makes them connect with the characters.

In other words, the better idea you can give the reader of what's it's like to be in that situation themselves, the more they'll enjoy the story. Yes, even sexy fun time stories.

Don't take this the wrong way, I just want to encourage you. I DO like your idea for the story. It's a cool premise, and you certainly have the concept well-established in your head. I wouldn't even say you should re-write this. I would leave it as-is so you can come back to it later and see how you've improved. And please, don't let the inevitable haters get you down (especially the one particular anonymous user here who craps all over everything because he has no original ideas himself and couldn't write an erotic story even if he had actually lived through one). Just keep writing, keep learning, and have fun.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 6 years ago
Goodness!

You know you are in trouble when the comment is longer than the story.

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