Seemed a little rushed, but I liked it. Look forward to reading more of this trio.
by
Anonymous12/19/10
Good but need editing unfortunately
I am not usually one to say needs editing and all because I hate the editing police on her that nail people for minor edits. Editing comments generally detract the writer from submitting and make a writer feel like his/her efforts are not wanted. Believe me your efforts are wanted so keep it up. However the basic sentence structure problems and incomplete sentences were distracting very quickly.
For example you say, "As I walk out the office door, Diana comes bopping out of the bathroom.
Naked as a jaybird!"
It should be, "As I walked out of the office door, Diana comes bopping out of the bathroom and she is naked as a jaybird!" Or it should be something similar.
Then you say, "Not sure what to do I left for work once again again, and Diana was gone when I returned for the day."
It should be something like, "I was unsure what to do so I quickly left for work once again. When I returned Diana was gone for the day." (The leaving and then returning are not related so the use of "and" as you have it doesn't make sense.
Please keep up your writing but either edit it some yourself or find an editor friend on here and run it through them before submitting.
English
Nice!
Seemed a little rushed, but I liked it. Look forward to reading more of this trio.
Good but need editing unfortunately
I am not usually one to say needs editing and all because I hate the editing police on her that nail people for minor edits. Editing comments generally detract the writer from submitting and make a writer feel like his/her efforts are not wanted. Believe me your efforts are wanted so keep it up. However the basic sentence structure problems and incomplete sentences were distracting very quickly.
For example you say, "As I walk out the office door, Diana comes bopping out of the bathroom.
Naked as a jaybird!"
It should be, "As I walked out of the office door, Diana comes bopping out of the bathroom and she is naked as a jaybird!" Or it should be something similar.
Then you say, "Not sure what to do I left for work once again again, and Diana was gone when I returned for the day."
It should be something like, "I was unsure what to do so I quickly left for work once again. When I returned Diana was gone for the day." (The leaving and then returning are not related so the use of "and" as you have it doesn't make sense.
Please keep up your writing but either edit it some yourself or find an editor friend on here and run it through them before submitting.
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