by HotStoriesHere
Please just give the characters names, it was too much to keep track of who was who.
In my opinion, it demonstrated what happens when your story is told entirely by narration (and with no dialog except for what's summarized by that narration). Not to mention that your tale wasn't particularly special. There's nothing in it that's compelling or even mildly interesting. If your goal was to set yourself apart, I guess you succeeded: but was it worth the trip?
Your writing style is so wooden and tedious. Put some life into your stories. This is like watching a bad puppet show, except not that good.
It is impossible to know who is who (or even which gender) at times.
We don't have access to what you meant to say.
"When they were finished, they cleaned up and got dressed." I mean, do you really think we need to be told that?
And you can't work out he difference between lie, lay and laid. You get it wrong every time. I won't even mention all the other grammar mistakes.
"His friend and him was talking about..." I should have stopped there, but was curious as to how much worse it was going to get. "His friend and him was talking about..." I should have stopped there!