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English
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Ah, you miss Sack, don't you?
Rhyming lines
Clinquants, whoops, mean Cinquains. Great Title!
Art, the last three lines of each stanza have merit.
These two are pretty bad, forced rhyme, cliche
"I saw a black cloud swiftly go by
a bunch of birds together fly"
this one can be made better:
"I saw a cloud that look like a fish
shooting star make a wish"
by changing the last line
to
so I shot the son-of-a bitch
But that's just me...
I love the ending
I thought it was forced in the 1st verse, but I loved
the last verse. Some where in the back of your mind
is a beginning for this beauty that makes your illusion
clearer. Show it to us. To me she is more important than
the view.
Nice poem
I like the images behind the words more than the words themselves. Like Spike, I thought some of the rhymes felt forced.
Syn
wedgie
I should give you a wedgie for these two lines:
I heard the chipmunks morning chatter
echo off the mountain sadder
plenty of meaning...
behind the words, especially at the end of the poem as i see it. and this is purely my take on what i've grasped. everything leading up to it is of the external. but when you get to the reflection in a still pool it becomes internal from that point on. so wouldn't it be safe to say that what is on the outside, necessarily isn't the same on the inside? this purely one man's interpretation. it made me think.
Nice
This is an interesting bit you've written here. That first stanza is a real mind bender. I like ;)
Very nice.
Demonstrates how, like a revelation, one's inner visions can clearly contrast against an outer backdrop. Great images.
~
There is a smooth flow to this work. Small moments lacing together the exterior, silent solitude, screaming with the purity of the natural world. I don't know if it is the illusion of "the self" or another that is so strong in the ending.... It can be taken both ways. Outside/inside... two as one..reality/illusion. Those pulls are strong.. the only thing for me.. was rhyme in the first couple lines of each stanza and no rhyme. Almost like the division of the self.. and the illusion... and so many other things.
thank you for the journey..
Du~
Mentioned in the Sunday on Monday reviews...
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