All Comments on 'The Game'

Not bad for first story. Sex was described realistically. It calls for a second, or even more, chapters.

Poor use of words like there and their was very distracting

Your story was good but it looks like one giant text block and it's easy to get lost so maybe try breaking up the paragraphs a bit more

Thanks for the advice. I will try to improve on the grammar and spelling in my next stories.

How many were playing the game

Give more info

You already know why.

Thank you all for your advice and help, I shall try to improve on my next story.

That was seriously hard to read.. You definitely need someone to proofread for you.. you missed most of the quotes,. The commas seemed to be randomly placed, you misused there/their, several times the tense was incorrect.. Please try just a bit next time.. Regurgitating a story onto the page rarely works.

Try on chapter 2...

Good story, I feel you could have strung the story out some more and built up the tension a bit. A few grammatical errors, but nothing real distracting.

Really enjoyed the story, keep up the good work.

Nice premise but it could have been stretched out more. The grammatical errors kept distracting me from the story, maybe get someone to edit for you? Keep at it!

But you need a spell-checker.

Had the basis of a great story. Rushing into sex scene ruined it. Spelling and grammar need work.

This story has the potential of being great. It’s in dire need of an editor, though.

Plus 1 for an editor. All the errors really took the flow out of the story.

I will focus on building up the tension more in my next story and I will have somebody help me edit it before I post it. Thank you for your advice.

18 is the minimum age to be here and you write like you are 4 years short of that. Get some real sexual experience, other than your five-fingered friend, and gain a few years before writing again; you may have learned to spell by then too.

Hi TheGoldenLion, Paragraphs are important, it gives the reader time to ascertain what they have just read.

Your descriptions are good, but you have better talent than this, use your eyes as words, describe what you see, the soft outline of her swollen braests, use your words to ensure the reader has a full mental image of what you are conveying.

It was good, but room for improvement.

When he took her virginity, there was no mention of the tightness around his cock as he felt the resistance from her hymen, nor the pain involved, these are important.

I wish you well in the future, and look forward to more material.

Editor, paragraphs, and proper punctuation. Those three things will make a massive Improvement to your stories.

And the Oxford comma. As I demonstrated in my first sentence.

I have not read all 19 comments, so perhaps my instincts are answered elsewhere. I got the feeling while reading that perhaps English is your second language. I agree with others; the volume of mistakes grossly detracted from what might have been a cute and sexy little story.

BTW, many if not most young women these days don't have a hyman, especially athletes--unless, of course they are very young.

I think you can do much better. Good luck!

Form was used when from should have been used. There was used when the possessive their should have been used.

Nice story.

Get an editor