by pegjim
Did I mention I hate second person stories. BTW, I'm not alone. Hatred of second person stories is very common.
Heed what the others said, put some dialog in, even if it is just moans and "fill me with your cock stud." Set some tension, and relieve it.
Don't let the hosers get you down, keep going!
Thank you for your comments! I'll fix it! Totally get what you're all saying. :)
I wrote this for my wife, Rachel, or rather about her/us.
Delicious description. Looking forward to more stories!
I love the mystery. Who is her lover? Her husband? A coworker? A friend? A neighbor? His brother? What follows? My mind is full of thoughts. That is what a great story does for its reader.
Nicely done, kinda hot.
Did have a moment when it sounded more like a cheating wife situation when the "My new playground" was thrown in.
I thought about 'fixing' this one and opted to not do so. Some stories should be awkward and sometimes nothing really needs to be said between two people.
"Lops" ? There's a lot of things here that need fixing. You need an editor, or at least a proofreader if you're not willing to take the time yourself. It's just kind of disrespectful to the reader to just dump stuff out there. Not sure you intended this to be all artsy and such, but it just kind of comes off as wordy.