by BrokenUnicorn
I stopped reading at “you.” Why? WHY do writers employ this incredibly annoying narrative style?
. . . because I just can’t read it. Whenever I come across a story that has the reader as one of the characters, as identified by the first person calling the second person “you,” I stop immediately. How am I, a man, expected to react when the author puts ‘me’ in the place of a differently aged, differently situated woman?
That’s just a huge story killer. I’m guessing that I’m not the only reader who reacts that way.
Who knows, maybe this is a great story, but telling it from the perspective you (the author) did, I have to wonder how many readers were lost from the first couple of paragraphs.
This is awful. The dialogue seems robotic, the descriptions seem unnatural. Not a fan.
Really? That's surprising since this has such an original and complex title.
“Because it’s annoying and I like to piss people off,” you admitted.
“Okay. Here’s your 1-Star review,” I told you.
Just some fools looking to catch some nasty diseases. And NEVER write in the second person. It's just impossible.
1 star
Second person narration is rarely successful as a device here. It's fine for cookbooks and maintenance manuals, but not for erotic stories. It can work as a letter saying future tense "this is what we will do" or past tense saying "this is what we did", but rarely present tense.
Having said that, I must also say that I have frequently commented to authors that they should write for themselves, not to please the commentariat. This was your first venture into the minefield that is Loving Wives, and the comments here can be unforgiving. But it was your experiment to do with as you wish.
I note that your other two stories both achieved the coveted RedH score above 4.5, although neither drew any comments. They were also written third person. Much safer.
I found the story to be written well for what it is. Use of language etc was good. The twist at the end was interesting, but it made the second person narration even more silly, still talking to a person who has left the room.
Maybe put this one down in the 'interesting experiment' category.
Lue
Ps: I note that you have favourited both your other two stories.
The heading for Favourites says "These are not submissions written by this member - they are some of his or her favorite Literotica submissions and people."
Second person is the worst possible choice for fiction writing. Present tense is the second worst choice, and you have used that, as well. Either of those, alone, is enough to cause me to put you back on the shelf. The combination is deadly to your chances of being read by all but a tiny fraction of the reading public. Sorry, first or third person, and past tense. That's the ticket.
I am in complete agreement with Reed and Joe. The "you" killed it before I even had time to not like it.
I believe you need some help with your writing skills.
Really enjoyed reading this myself & was surprised about the negative comments - mirrors a situation I've been in before so the 1st person viewpoint really worked for me. Look forward to parts 2 & 3!
Please continue your story. I am anxious to see where it goes. I think some of those complaining might be the same ones who complain about every story with a wife getting some strange dick.
Worse way to present a story is from the second person. The minute I hit the first "you" I swiped to the bottom and gave you two stars. No point in even reading it. I will score your other installments the same way to warn others off this story.
Why would you want your wife to fuck a stranger? Aren't you worried about disease?
Yeah, as others have stayed, your choice in perspective ruins this for me. I utterly HATE reading a story where I am being told what I am doing. 1st person your perspective is fine,but you should be telling the story about your wife, not like you are insinuating I am your wife. Usually, such perspective will cause me to mmediately abandon a story. I stuck with this one longer than most,but ultimately ai abandoned it as well. I say, rewrite it again, but this time refer to your wife in the 3rd person, for I simply cannot relate as it stands because despite what you are telling me, I was not there.
for a reader to read 'you' and believe that he or she, as a reader, is being portrayed in the story, removes some literary licence. while I prefer not to write in this person, I am quite capable of recognizing the 'you' as the writer's inference of his wife. i enjoyed your presentation of perspective. while I may not have mastered the presentation, i appreciate the story and its emotuon.
Very well written, with excellent grammar, punctuation, spelling and style, what's not to like?? Keep up the good work, and keep 'em coming!
The best ever opening story to a triology I have ever read, it is so hot, building my expectation to a highly aroused level. If any man had walked into my house has I was finishing reading it, I am sure I would have begged him to fuck me.