All Comments on 'Family Encounter Ch. 01'

You can't even get through the second paragraph without changing the "sister's" name.

Here's a hint. Try practicing these two phrases.

"Would you like fries with that?"

"Welcome to WalMart. May I get you a cart?"

of this tale was the readers comment

There's certainly room for some criticism of this effort, but let's take a moment to at least return to the opening paragraph before pillering the author. He states his "fantasy girl" is named Rachel...fantasy name for fantasy girl based upon his sister.

I've an idea this story could have used an editor prior to submission (or a BETTER editor if it was edited). A bit of reworking, a bit LESS juvenile writing and it has potential.

YOU CAN DO BETTER, NOT TOO BAD

no guy would want anything to do with his sister after finding out she is screwing around with their parents he would avoid her and find some way to move out keep it believable

he finds out his sister is screwing the parents and he isn't pissed off GET REAL. he would have gone to his room and packed then in the morning told them he needed to work and couldn't go after they left he would move out and never talk to any of them again. keep it atleast somewaht believable please this isn't the fantasy area.

Kill...yourself. this story was absolutley rubbish. Id come find you and slap you with a printed copy of this story just because you wasted my time reading this...........fucker.

Even tho this was a pretty decent read I can't get why it stopped after one chapter,I want to find out if he eventually had sex with his sister,which it looked that way,but this needs a proper conclusion.Even tho I haven't written any erotic stories I may just have to give this an ending.I will post of my progress.