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Story needs some trimming
I am a professional writer, so here are some simple tricks:
Kill every "seemed to" -- just cut them out.
Also kill every "began to" and "started to" -- you don't need them.
Give yourself a goal of reducing the words by 20 percent without removing any substance. Do it by cutting unneeded words, publicated thoughts, redundancies. NEVER be in love with any sentense of phrase.
If you want to send me a revision, my email is mardukhai@hotmail.com
I'm not a professional, but I know what I like...
and I liked your story very much. You have an interesting plot...I just wish it was longer, not huge, but more than a tease. Give us something more to draw us in.
I'm not a professional either...
and I concur with the post below. Great writing, keep up the good work!
No More?
A very good story and I have to admit I really expected it to carry to a little different conclusion.
But still a good story!!
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