It's a good start, but you need to do some proof-reading on your story. There are a few erros that detract from the story. Use one of the volunteer editors; they can help alot.
by
Anonymous06/05/05
Quick, write more!!!! And soon!
Great -- loved it -- more please, and soon!!!
by
Anonymous06/05/05
Don't switch viewpoints
This is a nice story and well written but it has one big flaw - you jump from first person narrator (her) to third person omniscient narrator. For me, at least, that just doesn't work. If you need to see inside both their heads do the third person omniscient narrator right from the start. But better still, pick one of their points of view and narrate the whole story from there, making the other person show what they're experiencing in a way that you can see.
by
Anonymous10/06/05
Looking forward to more
I am keeping this short and simple: I loved your story! I can't wait for your next post, maybe even a sequel to this one.
English
Great!!
Great start, I loved it!!. More please and soon.
Edit, edit, edit
It's a good start, but you need to do some proof-reading on your story. There are a few erros that detract from the story. Use one of the volunteer editors; they can help alot.
Quick, write more!!!! And soon!
Great -- loved it -- more please, and soon!!!
Don't switch viewpoints
This is a nice story and well written but it has one big flaw - you jump from first person narrator (her) to third person omniscient narrator. For me, at least, that just doesn't work. If you need to see inside both their heads do the third person omniscient narrator right from the start. But better still, pick one of their points of view and narrate the whole story from there, making the other person show what they're experiencing in a way that you can see.
Looking forward to more
I am keeping this short and simple: I loved your story! I can't wait for your next post, maybe even a sequel to this one.
This is bloody amazing
I want more. more more.
omg!
this has to be finished! its too hot not to be!
Come.....
ON! Please! Please! Please!
Please continue !!
Loved it! Please write more!
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