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English
Gee Anna
this is just stunning... I hear your paddles slide through my pain.
You drop petals...wow...what a picture you paint...5 votes is not enough..smiles/blue
Love it but..
It's so good, just to stop you feeling too smug, I feel compelled to point out the one line that jarred with me.
'born of humanity' It feels lazy or you just couldn't think of an alternative line. Maybe you put it in to prevent perfection, like the dropped stitch in a Persian carpet.
Maybe I'm being petty or maybe having proved your quality, I'm just not prepared to let you off the hook! ;-)
b'brig
anti-smug
Thank you Blue, glad you liked it--
B'brig,
Smug is definately not what I feel, but thanks for your concern in keeping my self awareness in check. You are right about the line. It is a case of under-editing my own work, and not being careful. ... honestly wanting to air out some poems without all the self nit picking I have done lately, it makes me crazy sometimes.
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment, you have a good eye for the sucky parts.
:)
~anna
I like it
but I don't love it, you smug b*tch. Why are you smug? lol It's a good poem, anna dear. You have others that I like much better but this is still a good one.
I would rethink:
come find me beneath the willow
that weeps without shame.
*
your poem was mentioned in the Sunday on Monday reviews
du lac~
.....
Awesome word choice. This IS superb work, anna!
strong piece.....
and enjoyed it immensely. here is my pickings of this piece.....don
I hear your paddles slide through my pain.
You drop petals,
leave a trail for me to follow
as I search through the muck if it.
*
Reading you is like following Lewis and Clark through the gray matter. As said in some of the comments below this dips into the ordinary, but they are not fatal cliches. I question this:
"its okay baby it is okay
to
let
go"
and the bitter almonds, and agree with WickedEve, except to say that I love it, I love all you writing, I admit my prejudices,
so... a prejudiced "5"
~
All kinds ways to describe pain and most of them very original. My favorite is,
'paint the machinery
of the petal torn flower.
Meet me dusted in this pollen'
~~
This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 36,500 poems.
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