All Comments on 'Betrayed Over Conception Ch. 03'

by Egmont Grigor

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  • 17 Comments
ChagrinedChagrinedover 18 years ago
I am lost, so I too am aborting

Well, since I can't possibly keep track of the players, AND since the plotline has left me I have to abort this story. I can't even give it a 75% for good writing. :-(

Problems you've had:

Motivation: The guy isn't pissed his wife is cheating, he pissed she's cheating to get pregnant. Seems his own value system is a little skewed.

Characters: This guy seem pissed about his wife having a lover but so far this guy has fucked... what? 3? 4? more? women in the course of 3 chapters. You can't keep track of them without a scorecard and I have too many things to read and write to have to make notes about a fucking LE story just so's I can follow the action.

Plotline: So now, Nancy, the co-worker is knocked up? Does his wife know he's fucking around? She must. What is her reaction? Now he's ready to end the marriage so why does he even care who his wife is fucking or why? You just blew away the central thread of the story!! Everything from here on is meaningless!

Good luck with this one. I fear it is irrepairable.

Regards,

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Sorry--

Not erotic, not plausable, not even good writting. Most of your other stories are a least consistant in plot development. You seem to be just putting down random thoughts. Better luck next try. JimDinMN

jaggers0053jaggers0053over 18 years ago
good story but......

the basic plot seems to be sitting in idle,not really going anywhere. each encounter he has with other women make for good, entertaining stories but the basic plot is weak and not moving all.

i'm sure eventually some resolution will come about between Mike and Gloria,and surely these other characters will be tied into the main story.however the premise for the story is stagnant.

hopefully Nancy becomming pregnant, allowing Mike to know he is not sterile,will move your story along.

don't allow any negative comments deter you.you write for a reason,whatever that may be. don't be swayed or discouraged.

regards,

don

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
we know who shooting blanks now

her punishment for adultery is for hubby to knock up everybody but her.

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Caught up in too much minutiae

You're losing many of us readers as you've become too caught up in trying to detail his life events. And what's with the revolving door of sexual partners? The hero's supposed to be upset that his wife is bedding one partner and this guy has gone through 4? 5? (Who can keep count?)

We know the problem...now, present us with the solution.

Not too many of us are interested in novels, you know.

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Author eats humble pie

Okay, you guys win. The message comes through loud and clear - your want good writing, you want a flash of tit and you want it quickly and the story to end so you can get on to the next one. So I'm told this, and that's fine. It's all rush, rush these days isn't it, and I dallied. Oh dear.

Right, here's what I had in mind, and obviously I didn't have the honed skills to get it across.

The hero is a flawed hero who has been going through life rather aimlessly and Gloria is not much better (she is blonde - Ouch!). He doesn't feel he can blame Gloria 100% for the betrayal - if it is a betrayal. Remember, he's an engineer and engineers are conservative - they have to be. So he, too, dallies, hoping that something's going to come up and prove to him that Gloria is indeed trying to have a baby by another man because she believes he's firing blanks. Why doesn't he ask her? - oh dear would she tell the truth after having been so sneaky? I think not.

So the poor guy's got to get it somewhere and while he dallies I take him from one opportunity to another and believe this is totally in character and I would have thought good reading, but there goes my judgement.

Slowly, incrementally slowly (the story was writter for the Novels and Novellas section), the hero's character begins to strengthen, just as it can in real life but that doesn't happen over night and I wanted to take you through that 'maturing' stage a bit. His improvement is recognised and finally...well we are only up to part 3. For those not bored out of their minds, there are another three parts to go. Providing one reader gets to the end and is happy, I'll be pleased, but disappointed that I didn't carry the mass along with her/him. Perhaps at the end that yawning reader who completed the six-pack will post his/her achievement. I know those who fell away won't read it, but I will. I've got another series I'm editing now and two shorties ready for posting. Perhaps after that it's best that I quietly fade away (I said that first! Heh-heh). Good reading elswhere. E.G.

capecodmercurycapecodmercuryover 18 years ago
Don't give up now!

Egmont, don't let the naysayer's get you down. Yes you have been spending time on character development. As far as I'm concerned that's a good thing. Not everything on this site has to be a stroke story. There is a large contingent of readers on this site who also appreciate a well written interesting tale that goes off on unexpected directions. This site would get awful boring if every story had the same plot and resolution as a minority seem to prefer. The site needs writers who take the time to develop their characters.

As for the anonymous critic who complained that he was not interested in reading a novel, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU READING A STORY IN THE NOVEL/NOVELLA CATEGORY???

So far this story has been an interesting read, if only from the perspective that it is like watching a disaster movie. You just know that something bad is about to happen, but you don't know what or where. Flawed characters are fun to read about.

No, there are no heros yet, but its fun watching the escapades while something develops. I have no idea where you are taking the story, but I for one intend to finish the six pack!

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
You Crazy Person

The writing is fine - the hopscotch by him is distractingly different from the norm - but then when have you been normal? Thats part of your charm - that and the slices of humor or different way of expressing things - thats you and normally it's on track.

This one is helter skelter with anit-hero's(your term) at every turn or 1/2 page - srather lathered up soap opera which is new for you. Do your thing which you don't need to explain each chapter - do it your way and learn if you wish or not.

Let it rip and lets see where you are going - with Regard

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
My Dear Sir:

Your writing is generally quite good. I personally do not mind the length of the story, nor the fact that you are trying to develope characters. My personal opinion is that you did not plan or follow your plan for this particular story. I see where you are going with the characters, after reading your comments, but I think you forgot to work that into your story so we could follow along as well. I story with this amount of detail, number of characters and twists and turns "has to be done carefully!" (Doing his best evil witch voice...)I think your ideas are good, your plot sound and interesting. I think it might be worth a rewrite or two. By the way--most authors who publish thier work end up rewriting things four or five times before they get a finished product. So this is worth the extra effort.

JimDinMN

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
My apologies

CapeCod was right and I overlooked the fact that the story WAS (IS?) carried under novels/novellas. So much for my harping on the length of the story.

Nevertheless, the story wasn't being developed any further (or so it seemed), and I made my remarks based on that. Had I known the remarks section is simply for the pep squad, I'd have held my counsel.

So, to the author, my apologies. To CapeCod, try decaf. There's no sense shouting.

ddpmanddpmanalmost 18 years ago
Double Standard?

This guy is upset as his wife is trying to get pregnant from anyone but him. He doesn't mind screwing anything that has a snach. To me story loses something with this double standard. But not for his screwing around where would he get the good advice? Two of his girls laid it on the line for him to start to follow. Love the story so far. The story must be good or there wouldn't be all the comments. I like to read the author's replies

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
Plot outline?

Did you post the outline by acident in stead of the story? It shure reads like that

cantbuymycantbuymyover 12 years ago
he has no grounds to complain

dude is fucking everything with a cunt - he has no cause to complain.

cantbuymycantbuymyover 12 years ago
possible problems

bet he is shooting blanks, the little cuttie he is banging has got knocked up by someone else as has his wife.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 6 years ago
Reconsider

Decisions, decisions? Not a pratt, neither a tappet, then a one cell brain - amuba? yeah!

KarenS1975KarenS1975over 5 years ago
Don’t take the negative comments too much to heart.

The story is coming along fine. One thing you should do is learn the meaning of the word IMPOTENT then compare and contrast to the word INFERTILE.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

Cuck. This signals why there are way too many betas around the Western parts. I'd like to say it makes the alphas' work easier, but then alphas wouldn't take women from betas.

Because we know they just fap all over that shit.

Anonymous
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