- All
Comments (16) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Took me right back
to my childhood, I could see that apple tree and smell the apple crumble mmmmmm yum! Lovely visuals here and happy sweet memories, sentimental words that burst from the page ~ Excellent, really well done!!
Rhyming poems are always the most difficult....
and you might want to rhyme the first stanza as well as the last two lines here for consistency. Some of the rhymes appear a little forced, it's almost impossible to make them all sound completely natural in a poem such as this. For an exercise, you might want to submit another version of this poem, WITHOUT ANY RHYMING, to compare your word choices and ultimate structure and rhythm. (I think theses=these?)
Thanks Sack
Thanks for the suggestions sack,
I appreciate your honesty and
advice, i'll try and take it on board! lol
Thanks again.
~ Jenn
Such a departure..
from your normal poetry but I really like it.
Such is the nature of poetry I would have suggested to free up the structure and change the form as the mood of the poem changes.
As in all these things there is no right or wrong, things just work or they don't.
I think the poem needs some attention but basically you have all the ingredients and the apple crumble tastes good as it is.
b'brig
*
A wonderful journey into the time of innocence and saftey. Thank you for allowing me to know that feeling.
du lac~
Authors note
As sack said this poem needs some work and he's right it does! I've posted this poem on my 'Recognition for new poets' thread for people to offer friendly but critical suggestions on how I might improve it.
Pls feel free to still vote and comment here and if you would like to offer a more detailed comment/advice/suggestion then pls feel free to do so on my thread.
Thank you for your time
~Jenn
*
Hi Jenn
I enjoyed your effort and appreciate your honesty. To really test your rhyme potential you may want to try a form poem, such as a terzanelle, a rubiyat or even (gasp) a sonnet. Thanks for the poetry.
Permit me to give the link to your thread http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?p=1 3236788#post13236788 - if you can't click and open this link, just copy it and then paste it into the address window on a new browser window. I've left a detailed commentary and crit there.
well....
That link doesn't work. Sorry my bad! This one should... http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?t=3 49929&page=2&pp=25
Carrie
the memories....
of long ago certainly reminded me of a few of mine. it is amazing how we can think of those things and see the differences of what is in our present life. you have some wonderful images here. it's a nice little story. i see you've used some rhyme....always tough to work with when it comes to form. i admire that....nice little piece.....don
Champagne1982
Don't worry about the links not working, if anyone wants to view the thread it's in the 'Recognition for new poets' thread in the poetry and disscusion forum on the bulletin board.
Also any new poets who would like to introduce themselves to Lit pls come along and do so
Thanks
~Jenn
wistfull
we had a pear tree in our yard and I feel the same way about it, great imagery and wonderful poem.
This is a great effort
I admire you for trying something new - a tricky format. Well done! Keep writing.
Tess
I like it....
Unlike the greater poets who dislike rhyme. I dig it
like a shovel. It makes the work easy to remember and a
joy to read. This poem is good, but the rhythm is off
some what. Still, I liked the picture it gave me as a reader. Mine was a weeping willow. sand
this form
is hard for me as well ...really enjoyed your images...blue
Will you meet me
Will you meet me under that tree? I could offer you more than an apple.
Your poetry never fails to move me, Jennifer. Keep on writing, please.
Ahhhh, the Allure of the Simple
There it is,
the simple solution we all like,
embodied by that old Apple Tree.....
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to The Old Apple Tree or
More submissions by Jennifer C.