I'm not good at giving grades, so I'm going straight to the comment section.
This didn't work for me. I actually quit reading around the time that Trish changed out of her business suit. Why? I found it shallow.
Okay, they met at the coffee shop, talked for 1 1/2 hours, then drove to her place. What does Trish look like? Why did he feel compelled to talk to her for so long? And then to follow her home? What were his feelings? What thoughts passed through his head?
Example:
"I don't know why the short blond in the navy suit caught my eye. I'm more of a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, but it was something in the way she moved, the way she pushed her blond curls away from her face, and the way she meticulously placed the little napkin on the table, making sure its edge was perfectly perpendicular with the table's edge, before setting her mocha latte on top of it. She reminded me of someone exasperatingly seductive from my former life."
Okay, that was slapped out there and probably could use some editing, but my point is that I just gave a lot of information in a few lines. I tried to draw out some emotions, because everybody knows what it's like to see someone they think they remember. There are a lot of emotions to draw out, too. If I saw my high school sweetheart, I would certainly experience different emotions from those I'd have if I ran into my maniacal college roommate.
Something I always hear from writing instructors is "Show, don't tell." So show us Trish, don't tell us about her, and make us feel what you feel when you see her.
English
Um, welllllll........
I'm not good at giving grades, so I'm going straight to the comment section.
This didn't work for me. I actually quit reading around the time that Trish changed out of her business suit. Why? I found it shallow.
Okay, they met at the coffee shop, talked for 1 1/2 hours, then drove to her place. What does Trish look like? Why did he feel compelled to talk to her for so long? And then to follow her home? What were his feelings? What thoughts passed through his head?
Example:
"I don't know why the short blond in the navy suit caught my eye. I'm more of a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, but it was something in the way she moved, the way she pushed her blond curls away from her face, and the way she meticulously placed the little napkin on the table, making sure its edge was perfectly perpendicular with the table's edge, before setting her mocha latte on top of it. She reminded me of someone exasperatingly seductive from my former life."
Okay, that was slapped out there and probably could use some editing, but my point is that I just gave a lot of information in a few lines. I tried to draw out some emotions, because everybody knows what it's like to see someone they think they remember. There are a lot of emotions to draw out, too. If I saw my high school sweetheart, I would certainly experience different emotions from those I'd have if I ran into my maniacal college roommate.
Something I always hear from writing instructors is "Show, don't tell." So show us Trish, don't tell us about her, and make us feel what you feel when you see her.
Now go get her!
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