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English
Pretty damn good
I liked the plot. Quite a bit of difference from HHT's character portrayals & writing style, but it must be pretty difficult to imitate somebody else's style. Keep writing, & don't let those bastards who don't know how to say anything positive get to you.
liked everything, but
the part where she wouldn't answer his question about how she felt about juan's death. silence usually speaks louder than words. this silence would have been a whole dissertation to me. even tho i could have believed her about not knowing about the prearranged dates, i don't know if i could have forgiven her. this based on the fact that she went out with a person who she already knows set her up once before. similar to logic in "eleanor rigby". where husband told her since she fell into the water by accident, he risked his life to save her. if she had told him before hand that she was going to jump in, he would have tried to talk her out of it, but would not risk his life to save her once she took the plunge. in this story, she knew he didn't like or trust her friend. he therefore tried to talk her out of associating with sally. she elected to take the plunge so to speak and jumped into the evening with sally. therefore, should have to pay the price for her folly. he just seems to keep on rescuing her from every stupid mistake she makes. now have given and said my worthless two cents. loved it other than that. good story and good writing, love following your work, keep it up
I liked it
but I'm not a big fan of murder/revenge stories. Beat the bastard up, get him fired, destroy his career, but murder? That's what Jake did, and the glee he feels now won't last.
Also there is no way he would have gotten away with it. He just bought that car to replace the old one, and the cops could easily have found that out. They knew they were looking for a 2002 black Mercedes, and a simple DMV check would have shown Jake to be the owner. Cops aren't stupid, and a rookie would have seen through Jake's attempt to cover up his guilt. Especially since they found out that Jill had a fling with Juan? That's all the motive they would need to arrest him. I think that this part was very weak, and really hurt the quality of the story overall.
Aside from the coverup attempt, you did a pretty good job on this story. Keep up the good work.
Day to day improvement
Every story this author has posted is better than the previous one. The writing style, the grammar and spelling, all have improved.
The good thing, though, is the plot lines have been consistently good from the start.
It's obvious that this writer has something to say, and is learning day to day how to say it better.
A writer becomes better by writing. There just isn't any other way.
BTW, although I am personally opposed to execution as a punishment for infidelity, this time it was admittedly rather satisfying.
thanks for the gusty writing
i like your writings keep doing a great job.
A better ending than the original story deserves
I wish you had written the original story too!
Good story except
I didn't really like the way he finished off Juan. He's very lucky he isn't in prison. Not the sort of thing You want the son to look up to!
But I do like happy endings. And who's to say Juan didn't deserve it.
Excellent Ending
This was a much better ending than the original. In the original he basically went back after she blacmailed him by threatening to go on with Juan. I hated that.
This ending shows a more considered, loving, and painful journey to forgiveness. Keep up the good work.
Better than the original ending
Although I do not like the lack of quotation marks I liked the story. I think I would have liked Jake to make it clear to her what he did and then tell her it would happen again next time she strayed. Keep up the writing.
Nice finish
This finish was a little tighter than the original story. That was good. It was an enjoyable read. Thanks.
Good ideas, poor execution
The overall direction of this ending to Headhuntertales' story was good, but there were some major flaws in execution.
Someone else already mentioned the weakness in his alibi; the story should have arranged it so that he exchanged cars with a friend for the day, or something. If she ever asked whether he did it, he should reply with something inconclusive, but menacing, like, "You will never know... unless you ever cross me again."
More importantly to the storyline, I still don't believe her protestations of innocence. Aside from the silence to his question about how she felt about Juan's death, which someone else already commented on, the biggest hole is the unexplained fifteen-minute call. How does it take fifteen minutes to tell someone that you don't want to talk to them? Being a trial lawyer trained to spot inconsistencies in testimony versus evidence, he would have probed into it more, to see whether he could catch her in a lie.
The lack of proper punctuation is another major flaw. Quotation marks and other punctuation exist for a purpose: to help the reader use the words you write to understand the ideas you are trying to express. It's no surprise that this story was rejected so many times; I'm glad I didn't have to deal with the original version.
Finally!
Thank you for finally putting a fitting ending to what I thought was a wonderful story, but without a suitable finish. Good job, please write some more tales, especially in this vein.
Snipe
BEAUTIFUL .
Isn't revenge beautiful? I liked the story except the part of them getting back together at the very ending. How could he ever trust her again? At least you did not write him as a whimp, but rather as a vengile vendective MAN that did somthing about her wife's lover.
Good Work...
Outstanding ending - -Thank You
Good one. Not premeditated murder, just a gut reaction to the
piece of shit from Miami. Something many of us might have
considered, or maybe even have done on the spur of the moment.
Good police work would find that he had a black mercededs, but
the timeline with the child care might have saved him. I thought the passenger might really have seen him and was going to try to blackmail him. Guess not.
One of the best things about the last two alternate endings
is that Sally is told to get out of Jill's life. This theme
of the wife's best friend steering her into bad things is
hard to understand. If the husband approaches his wife and
tells her that her best friend has caused the following problems...it would seem the wife would quit running around
with her. Maybe not.
But this scenario is more realistic than a husband watching
his heretofore faithful wife walk into a room with some other guy. THAT was impossible to believe. I don't know of
even one man who would do that. And THAT goes back to the
credibility of the storyline issue that has been brought up
before. Literary license aside, you start to lose your
audience when you do things like that.
My thanks to those who have written the alternate endings.
About your errors...
I know at the end you wrote "Get past the errors, and enjoy the story", but there is a difference between overlooking a spelling/grammar error or two, and your latest story.
First of all you need quotation marks, they tell the reader that it's dialogue being spoken by a character and not part of a narrative.
Second is your use of apostrophes. For instance you wrote "there are two Jake's now." That apostrophe is not necessary because the sentence is not talking about something that belongs to Jake, such as Jake's car. It is merely talking about the fact that there are two Jakes.
Lastly you need to have a serious talk with your editor about how good he really is. If he really edited this story, then he would have caught the things I was talking about and mentioned them to you.
all english professors get a life noone269
if you are a closet wimp and mad about the story, that one thing.but you got the wrong site,this is a sex site not a english class101.
GOOD!!
I LIKE IT. IT IS BELIEVABLE,AND ENTERTAINING.....ENOUGH SAID.
great ending
perfect. the bastard dies! hooray for the new jake. thanks for writing. keep 'em, coming
Typical anonymous
You flame me for pointing out weaknesses in this over the top revenge story you love so much, but you don't have the balls to leave your tag.
Also I am not an english professor, just someone who thinks at least trying to write passable english shouldn't be too much trouble.
Good Ending
It is amazing. Reading this ending, I felt no sorrow for Juan's death. None. Murder, and that's what it was, can't be condoned, but Juan was miserable slime.
I can't say that this new ending established trust in Jill. There has to be a nagging doubt in Jake's mind.
In the original story the problem was that Jake was stupefied and didn't claim his wife right away in Miami. He was totally, pathologically passive. The contrast with the new Jake is like night and day. I like the new Jake---to a point---but the murder---ah!---strong medicine, too strong.
I think the story should be written over from the beginning. Jake should greet his wife after she gets off the boat. Then he should watch Jill like a hawk, thwart any move by the Mendoza brothers, get Sally pushed into a swimming pool with her clothes on, and take Jill back to her room and reclaim his rights as her husband. The whole situation in the original story should not have occured the way it did.
Thank you DG
Thank you DG for taking up the call for an alternate ending. I am busy working away on another ending and I hope to post it in the next few weeks.
DG, this is a credible effort. Don't listen to the flammers who won't sign their name! Keep writing.. work at getting better and a lot of us will continue to enjoy reading what you write.
Thanks again for answering the challange. I hope other will too. Keep up the good work!
Headhunter Tales (headhunter_tales@hotmail.com)
Good Ending
Boy I can see where a man might just do this if put in the same situation. Hope Jill really ment the things she said, don't think the new Jack would put up with much shit!
Why?
Why redo a story? Why not write your own?
I didn't hate it, but hardly saw the point.
BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO!!!
You got all the ticks in the boxes with this one, DG. Great extention of the original plot while still keeping within the character bounds set in earlier chapters. Your alternate was fully woven into HH's original at the end of the opening paragraph. Nice tight plausible ending that demonstrated the consequences. Still, though in IMHO, a little light on retribution and consequential suffering of the 'loving' wife who turned into a slut merely on friendly(?) suggestion (I don't believe one word she uttered). Noone is really as stupid as this bitch to be influenced into cheating this way, particularly someone with the apparent accumen to possess a degree in law? She needed to serve a considerably higher penance.
To the drip who said "why bother finishing someone else's story - just write your own"....(a) you didn't read DG's prologue where he said why he is doing one, (b) HH also invited alternates, (c)others have written alternates (d) HH's original Ch08 was his version and his right to have it go as he wanted ... but is and is generally considered by the well known site contributors as a limp wristed fuckup that spoiled an otherwise fine work with zero plausibility and departed from the character profiles.. and very much at odds with all of his other extremely good work.
I also agree with the other notable writers of this theme genre, your work gets better with each submission. Ignor the grammar-philes over the odd grammatical glitch in phrasing, tense, person and spelling, your emphasis is getting through. The expert critics likely can't do any better themselves but nitpick while living in glass houses. That's a bug I have with these reader submissions. It is far better to encourage these freelance writers by making constructive comment or alternate suggestions than to be criticising over their dislike of the story line and every little flaw in sentence pattern. Submissions do need editorial support and it is freely offered by many, the important thing is that the story gets told.
And you told it well....Bravo!
Ok
Well written ending with alittle bit in it. the revenge was alittle over the top but Juan did it to himself and I wa glad to see Sally finnaly get hers
Best of the Lot
Of the various endings that have been printed this is ,in my opinion, the best Granted, running Juan off the road was a little over the top, but the rest was excellant especially laying Sally out in lavender. the Ct. Yankee
More, please.
If your future submissions are as good as this, I will really look forward to them. Very good story indeed.
Great, but....
I guess you are using this writing style for a reason, but it escapes me as to what it is. Using quotes would make it a lot easier for your readers to understand what you are trying to say. Omitting the quotes doesn't add anything that I could see, except frequent confusion.
Over the top?
Juan is lucky Jake didn't torture his slimey ass before he died, because that is what he deserved. Anybody that would go after a married woman with a baby, deserves to die the most horible death ever. Over the top? Not by a long shot.Great first effort. I'm very envious of your writing style. With high regards, Luie
to bad she didn't tell sally off before affair
jill in this story was a weak minded woman who let her girlfriend lead her astray.jill like the fast lane or she could've stop juan from calling her.jill had a little of whoreslut in her and wasn't as dumb as she acted.
i agree
to bad sally wasnt with juan when he went off the road ...and hubby is right it wasnt his fault it was juans party attitude ..if he had been a nice person hed have been driving a family car and wouldnt have tried passing another car ..it is entirely his fault he ran off the road and killed himself ...really maybe he did it on purpose ..maybe it was truly suicide ...who knows what is in the mind of a man who would cheat on his own wife ...maybe she was controlling his car from miami ...oh well one less asshole in this world ..no great loss
Except for one little thing...
I have greatly enjoyed every one of your stories except for one little thing -- they all give persistent and ample evidence that you do not know the past tense of the verb "to see."
The rule of fear
First I want to commend you on this original submission. I have the benefit of hindsight, having read many of your later works and knowing how right from this first submission you already carried many of your staples to be – original and compelling plot line being one of them.
The scene of the chasing cars, followed by the cloud of suspicion of the wife about her husband culpability (an ironic turning of the tables by itself…), followed by the replacement to a silver car and the police visit, were all so much a la Hitchcock who specialized in blending the lines between the normal and the criminal – what a wonderful plot line!
Somewhat less successful was your effort to save this couple’s marriage. But frankly, I can hardly blame you for that. The original outline made it pretty darn hard... As described in the original chapters, narcissistic ‘old’ Jill could have only been taking ‘old’ Jake presence in her life, as some sort of an entitlement, but most likely she could not feel more than contempt towards him (behind the façade of external expressions of love) so as to give herself the emotional justification to act the way she did.
The ‘new’ Jill may still not be able to truly feel much for others. Narcissistic people like her are hard to change –but they are not necessarily stupid. She is probably more cunning than her emotional (but honest) husband. She had no problem taking ‘calculated risks’, as long as the chances for paying the price seemed minimal to her estimate. When the shit hit the fan, she still worked on damage control, trying tactics of credible deniability – until no more tricks were left. In other words, even after she is caught Jill has major problems on basic character issues, starting with trust and questionable moral values like lack of understanding of the reason one should be truthful if one could get away without being caught. … She knew that Sally is not the best asset she could have, based on her past record, still she kept her friendship with her (another ‘calculated risk).
But even Narcissistic people can understand a potential threat to their safety or even their lives, and they can sure feel fear. So now ‘new’ Jill has to be afraid of what new Jake is capable of doing once he is pissed off. She would most likely try her best not to be the cause of another rage attack (what would be the color of a third Mercedes he would choose, is probably a question she would rather never think about…).
Would I choose a calculating cheater and a liar who never honestly explained what happened and why (before during and after) but suddenly ‘reformed’ when realizing how dangerous her spouse could be? Well – I would not. To me it’s more like the assurance of the loyalty and love of a jailed and chained animal. I can think of a better model for life partnership and for marriage (and let the animal loose…).
Oh I liked your version DG
Like Jake said: " It's too bad he didn't get killed before it all happened" The politically correct little bunch of pussies that are so terrified of any thing that smacks of violence..They just can wave their little limp wrist all over the place now. I am glad that Jake had a hand in Juan's death. Good job...I had a problem with this story till I read your ending.
Almost As Wimpy As The Original
Too bad he couldn't figure out a way to do in the slut wife too. Ah well now he'll just have to live with cream pie for the rest of his life.
better try again....
agreed ur version is better but not good ending, like juan was not at any fault because it was not an affair first of all, it was one time thing, and whole credit goes to Jill, If you see conversation at final it did not went well at all too, she was looking forward to it, as she didnot say NO which was lot easier, seducing is one thing and forcing another, Jill was the one who pulled Juan so whose fault it was? Juan didn't deserve to be killed, it was overdone. Killing would be worth only if Jill was still in love with Juan whcih was not said explicitly in story. so it was competely endless story, Jill gonna do it agian... Yes Jake was wimp. I cud not see any commitment from Jill and he was ready to accept her, She didn't even confessed untill it was completly told by jake that he knows about her. So wide is slut, because if she cant wait only two days she cant be trusted at all, no man can keep his eye on her wife for 24x7 he needs to then, there is no way there marrige can survive. Great story nice try, but not goood ending.
What? ( to previous comment) Just re-read L's o T Heart
DG Hear,
Just re-read Laws of the Heart & CharleyBear's ending too. Always left me empty. Finished 4-5 of your stories I liked and wondered which was your first contribution to Lit. To make my day! Your first was just about the best ending to The Great Laws of the Heart I could have hoped for. AND!! This was your first story!
Thanks DG I'm going to enjoy finding #2 to 4 to enjoy soon. Please keep writing and sharing on Lit.
best wishes
xtremedd
Law of the Heart - Jill and Jake
The development of Jill's character in terms of committment was good; it needed more buildup beforehand so that the scolding delivered to Sally would be more real. And Jake's character (to me) needed to be stronger and again developed more so that impulsivley running Juan off the road would be more believable. Thank you for a great read.
not bad
I've been reading our stories for about a month now. I did not realize this was your first submission. I liked how you handled the ending. This was better then the original author's ending.
I like your stories, but
Nice set up, great tales, but some times you just can't fix it. Alot of your stories they stay together at all cost. It just doesnt happen to often. Still a great story.
Sorry to say this
This was feeble. Very feeble. You made no attempt to use quotation marks. The description of the dialouge was horrible. It read terribly. The last rant of the wife didn't sound like her at all. I understand that she was under enormous strain but still. Once you step out of the character, it doesn't work.
It isn't bad as a story, but the grammatical, spelling and 'voice' issues totally ruin it for me.
The other two stories you wrote were far better, which indicates this was an early story, that you got some editorial help, or that you just threw this out in a couple hours of writing. Not sure which.
Unbelievable bullshit
Headhuntertales ending is as much bullshit as your own ending is
a cuckold with teeth
he still should have divorced the bitch
Good Job DG
Of all the endings to this story, I like this one the best.
I apologize -
To all the flamers - look at what he said and asked at the end - I can ignore the editing issues because he accepted they were there and asked me to as well.
As for the actual - you know - story thing he wrote??!!
I think it must be very hard to write an even reasonable end to someone else's story and keep anything like the initial tone and tenor of the characters - you done good IMHO - Thanks -
hadnt read this before, but you really needed a good editor
such as using buy for by, spell check just doesnt do it, a word can be spelled right and still be the incorrect word.
I wouldn't
trust the slut any farther than I could throw her.
Great story
There are two schools of thought; reconciliation or toast the skank. I like them both. I've seen mitigating circumstances that can motivate thinking on both directions. Zero tolerance is a goal but in reality we need to way in our vested interests in our spouse and where they are in terms of their circumstances. Toasting the bitch has grave consequences, especially if there is mutual love and respect. Reconciliation is possibly going to be a less painful ending if both spouses are genuinely interested to endure the effort. I enjoyed this ending. Well written, thanks!
good story
Just sorry sally didn't get it.
TIS A PITY
that the slut wife was not in the car with them and sally, nothing like the scream's of a cheating bitch on her way to hell...ahh the sound of music the hills are alive with the sound of screaming dying cheating sluts.
ps that way you get your child and keep your money and self respect and you never hit anyone.
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