You really had something going there. I really liked it. But it was too short and ended really abruptly. I would have liked it more if there was more foreplay involved.
by
Anonymous01/08/14
More Emotion
As the title suggests, I'd like to feel more emotion from this. The sentence structure especially in the opening paragraph is just so dry and short that I couldn't get into the story, and the dialogue was the same. It'd be helpful to play around with word choice and grammar/punctuation to see how you can evoke emotion and bring life into this story, especially with a plotline like this which has so much potential. And look for more realistic dialogue, so the characters feel like real people who should be cared about enough to read what's happening to them.
English
Pretty decent.
You really had something going there. I really liked it. But it was too short and ended really abruptly. I would have liked it more if there was more foreplay involved.
More Emotion
As the title suggests, I'd like to feel more emotion from this. The sentence structure especially in the opening paragraph is just so dry and short that I couldn't get into the story, and the dialogue was the same. It'd be helpful to play around with word choice and grammar/punctuation to see how you can evoke emotion and bring life into this story, especially with a plotline like this which has so much potential. And look for more realistic dialogue, so the characters feel like real people who should be cared about enough to read what's happening to them.
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