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English
To YAWN
That's what mind control is mostly about, at first. Getting revenge on the one/s who humiliated you. Let's have another chapter where he does her mom and makes her watch or join in.
Needs more
Needs to be a series! If you can get him to extract revenge from every woman who has ever rejected him and then get him to meet the woman of his dreams this could turn out to be the story of the decade! Good luck with whatever you choose.....
Needs more thought
Good start.... But you had 4-5 pages of story there. You need to slow down and develop your character and the plot. Try spending some time on how he developed his powers
Here's a tip
DON'T SKIP ANYTHING!!! There was about a months worth of time where he was discovering his powers. How did he discover/explore them? What sort of problems did he have? These are questions your readers will want to know.
Remarkable Idea.
One of the very best story situations I've come across for a long while! Like others making comments below, I was sorry you rushed your story so much. The erotic kernel of this chapter was devoid of any thoughts, feelings, or sensations, and was a rather everyday description of 'what went where', and your literary style changed from 'imaginative adult' to 'compulsive user of infantile, worn-out sexual slang.'(predictable, and a little boring, sadly.) With polish, and far more detail, it is hard to imagine a better story! n.b. measurements, specifications, etc. are no substitute for character development!
Would like an expanded sequel
I liked the start but I think you could expand it greater.
So
Who was the next to be Controlled and How does he Improve his own Life.
Like maybe getting Buisness men , Bankers & others to help him better his Living.
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