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English
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Oh how true...reality of the moment. Nice little scene
ty
du lac~
~
Drop/replace that first 'remains' and this short write would have be a stronger poem.
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Bill, here is what I'm seeing:
you have the potentional for an internal rhyme scheme going with remains, explains, come up with a third. The remains, remain looks like not enough thought went into it. Internal rhyme scheme plays better than end, and is easier to pull off. You don't have the focus, the double duty of the end word working.
Early remains of a bottle
cannot answer questions.
Too tired to open another,
answers remain on the shelf.
You propose a toast.
“Maybe tomorrow
entertains our daydreams.”
good....
good...think about the double wording in remains... get a good ryhming dictionary and a good thesaurus...i reccomend(and use) Merriam-Webster's Rhyming dictionary~a guide to creating lyrical expressions...it has a lot of practical advice and help on the structure of the prose and the way the word sounds play one off the other...good general poetry advice section too! ;)
thesaurus~ I use Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus in dictionary form...makes it easier to look things up...structured from a-z just like a regular dictionary!
all in all still a great piece...just needs some polishing when you have an extra few minutes to dwell on it! ;)
hugs &
kisses,
T
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