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byAliyahlovinsex©
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Comments (12)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous10/06/05

hot but....

..it was very short. Perhaps you could have added more sex to draw the readers in, but since I know your writing style :) I liked that it wasn't over-sexed.

Besitos,
Flay

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by Anonymous10/06/05

Critique

Smooth reading. Very much liked the discriptors and narritive.

Could have used dialogue and stronger sense of scene or place.

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by 10/06/05

very hot

very well written and easy to read. But I agree, it was too short.

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by Sins66610/06/05

Good basis....

Its very Anne Riceish but there is deffinetly a good basis for a more extended story here.

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by sack10/06/05

good ideas.....

which ideally need more fleshing out (pardon the pun!) to reach their full potential. Maybe more details/reaction/dialogue during the sex scene would have screwed the tension even more. I think this is a good beginning though....good luck!

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by Boxlicker10110/12/05

Chilling

but I agree with what the others have said, that it was too short. It could have used more dialogue but what was here was very good.

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by BlackShanglan10/12/05

Rich, lushly textured prose

A tale well told. The plot is a familiar one, perhaps, but the language rich and beautifully wrought. A refreshing read.

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by Honey12310/21/05

Yours

well told! It was a really good read. Good Luck~

~Honey

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by Black Tulip10/21/05

Not much

to add! LOL

An enjoyable story, but too short for my taste. You did a very good job though. I liked it.

Good luck in the contest.

Black Tulip

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by cymry10/21/05

~

Good story. Excellent discriptive writing but I agree it could have used a bit more dialogue.

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by dr_mabeuse10/23/05

Short and hot

Such a clean and neat little story, and very visual. Makes me sorry that it was so short.

You have a lovely imagination, darling. You should set it free and run with it and see where it takes you. We'd be happy to follow you. :)

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by hugo_sam10/23/05

Well Woven

Tight and well told tale. It brings the reader along for a fast and satisfying ride. Thanks

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