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Nice, but not so choppy next time
I love the story, the story was awesome! But the way you had it set up was a little choppy. Try adding a little bit more description, especially as to what she's feeling - maybe a few more details about her interactions with people. When you say she spoke with someone, tell us what she said.
Also, it's okay for paragraphs to be more than a few sentences. One paragraph should contain all the thoughts, actions, and descriptions of the same kind (ie - when she first arrived at the club). Keeping them to two or three sentences took away from the flow of the read.
Other than that, I like the character and I love the story line! I would love to see more about her!
good ideas....
I think this would look and read better if you used longer paragraphs. It's choppy to read as is, and harder to keep track of what's going on due to endless very short paragraphs. One way to keep track of the plot is to use a paragraph outline before you even start writing the story. This will control the number of paragraphs produced, and ultimately improve the readability of your story.
hmm
It was good but it needs more dialogue, and description.
It just seemed more like you were trying to get it over with and to the point. I can't imagine being comfortable in this sort of situation. So if I were her i'd describe how nervous, and vulnerable I felt.
The way he looks at you all night. The way he touches you, and makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Kissing the back of your neck, running fingers through your hair and telling you that he wants his cock in your ass. These are all things that would make a girl feel very nervous, and insecure. Your torn between feeling passion and heat, and being scared that you'll make a fool of yourself. These are all things that are okay to add to any story, and in fact encouraged. And its good because you want the reader to wish they were in her situation.
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