Erotic Horror of the Sleepover Club

MORE THAN A BIT LAME

Ugh. Of course. Why wouldn't all the girls have big tits and love to serve men? Also, I think you should take some English lessons

Could Have Been Done Better

Well, obviously, like the title says, it could have been done better. The narrative felt too rushed, the dialogue was cheesy and uninspired, some of the grammatical errors were distracting, and of course, the Chekov's gun in the beginning was terrible. "I Hope she doesn't do this, or this will happen." She does that and that happens. The characters weren't really all that developed, either. The straight girl who wants to fuck some other girl, but doesn't know why? Come on, poorly set up. And while your characters and dialogue were pretty bad, the descriptive words you used during the actual fucking, (although with little variance) were okay. Work harder on your next piece.

"A" for effort/C-for grammar

Grammatical errors were distracting..but the gist of of the content was good. more plot developement an a few more rough drafts would have set this piece straight. keep writing u have excellent potential.

Amazing!