- All
Comments (10) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
I saw
this on the forum and was inspired to dig out my old letter to me mum..ty...for the lovely way your rhymes always inspire me...luvfromblue
~~
Moving piece, so inspiring. Love the technique of describing thoughts and feelings; what kind of person is she describing? And then near the end, all becomes clear and I have to read it all over again. Very well done.
~
Very poigniant and heartfelt RF.
moms
dreams give us something to look forward to and then something to complain about when that dream is not reach, all you can do is go to bed and dream about it inspirational (~_~)
DEAR RF-
You stole my complete attention
with this to start..
You are the light, that leads me
through the dense darkness, into
life's joyous journey, of comical
Jack-in-the-box dreams
... and I felt your every emotion
after, isnt it a fact, there is
ONE who loves you, more than all.
a veeerrry heart-touching poem !!
-sGp-
*
RF, I am being serious here -this shows potential. First you must ask yourself, are you writing poetry or an extended Hallmark Card. Most of it is "hallmark".
This is poetry, or begins to be
"Whispering words of kindness,
collecting cracker jack dreams,
to have another day. Rings of joy,
transferred, from you ... to me."
This is a Hallmark sentiment, one would find on a card:
"A mother who loves. Always
loves, without question,
deception, greed, who
always helps lead.
My love, forever more, to you.
My mother, my one truest love.
My mom ~"
DO you see the difference?
This is flawed either way:
"You are the light, that leads me
through the dense darkness, into
life's joyous journey, of comical
Jack-in-the-box dreams."
Here is why, light into darkness is a cliche, you give no reason for it, no fresh process. "Jack-in-the box dreams" while not quite escaping cliche is not as bad as "light into darkness" and it is not a hallmark trait. To avoid the cliche, to begin to write something fresh is to focus on the lid, the handle, the music of the jack-in-the box, touching lightly (if at all) on that whole light into darkness thing.
Your commenters below have told you otherwise, you can think of me as mean, it is your choice how you wish to write, how you wish to be perceived. Just remember, I get nothing from typing all of this out, no ego boost, no maliciousness. Really, close to average.
Moving
A very moving poem full of emotion
Sweetness...
A very moving poem. Now, what the hell is wrong with a Hallmark anyway? LOL! There's "poetry" in them.
Be careful of those commas that aren't needed, hon. Your line breaks are fine without.
I loved the tenderness
Thank you for that beautiful glance inside your heart. that truely touched me.
~~
This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 38,000 poems.
----------
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Dreams or
More submissions by RhymeFairy.