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English
interesting story
nice plot so far.. can't wait till the next chapter
Ho Hum
Wake me up when you get to the good part
Interesting story line
hope there's a happy ending, but the tense change in the middle kind of messed it up a little for me. Great imagination though, I love believable stories.
This is a really well written story
I see by your biography that you are new to the site and this is your first contribution. I didn't see any acknowledgement to an editor, and this was very cleanly written.
As Danielle says, this is an interesting story line. It's very believable and I like the level of detail. Gently disagreeing with the earlier commenter, I think the whole story IS the interesting part.
You have also taken a refreshing line on the common story and embelished it with details and character development to make a great story.
I would guess that you've written before, but not necessarily fiction. You clearly know how to use the language. I'm impressed!
Needs Editing
I don't have a clue where you're going with this but the changes from first to third person and back again get in the way.
Nice start, but need some work
I agree with the comment that the person changed in the story. Watch out for that. Right now, I have no idea where you are leading with the story, but the plot development definitely has potential. I also appreciate that this is not just a sex story but has some plot and character development
Very Good
Very good beginning. I was especially hooked by the first part up to where husband left after talking with the daughter. It's particularly sad that the father wasn't able to have a natural child; maybe a son to follow in his footsteps. I look forward to reading the rest of your story.
Boyd
i agree
good start ..but if she cheated on him after two years of marriage...then again 18 years later after not seeing this davis for thatlong ...i would kick her cheating ass out and not give her a damn thing... if she likes davis so much maybe he can also support her .....what a bitch to hurt someone that good to her...all for a egotistical son of a bitch ...hope she has fun in her retirement years and i hope her daughter tells her to kiss her as that parentor not she was wrong and she would stay withher father whearther it was her biological father or not it was her only father... be nice if she told her she no longer has a mother ... him with his money find some nice woman anddo whatever it takes to get the taste of thatbitch out of his mouth.... i hope her and ron davis would rot in hell
Almost Impatiently Awaiting The Continuation
Obviously this story is not finished. So I cannot determine how to rate it and rated it accordingly with a "50%".
Forget it, go back to sales
It's worse than a yawn. More of the all women are whores. Read it enough times, and read it in much better versions.
Excellent
Very well done so far. I am enjoying the flash-back technique - it builds tension. This is well written and holds ones attention. Am really looking forward to continuing chapters.
Welcome and Thanks Author
Well imagined and delivered especially for a first effort.
Your interest in this theme of marital consequence is especially appreciated as it helps balance somewhat the absurd unfair wimpy stories some write as just a stroke story. This theme has character and power for an author who wishes to paint a realistically true to life scenario of which true life has many versions and levels.
Each writer can have a style or slant which becomes thier own with professionalism hardly a critical requirement - it is the story of circumstance and consequence which can be rivoting.
Have fun and thanks again - with high regard
MORE.........
I Want MORE...............
Interesting but ...
I have read about the first two-thirds of this story before. Was it posted under another title, or another author? The last approximately third of the story was not familiar to me, but it just might not have registered and it could have been with the beginning that I read some time ago. Uncanny.
what can i say,
everyone beat me to it. very good start. waiting for chapter two, if it's as good, you'll have at least one fan for always.
well written but depressing
A very well written story, but it's very difficult as a reader to root for anyone but the daughter. The mother Molly apparently was unfaithful 18 years ago and their daughter is not Jim's.According to Jim, Molly met with old lover, Ron, in a motel for two hours recently and Jim assumes the meeting was to resume their 18 year old affair.Given that much of this may be true Jim still comes across as a real bastard who waits until his daughter's 18th birthday party to surprise both his daughter and his wife with the sad news.Why he had no discussion with his wife prior to the birtday about her motel meeting or about his intention to divorce her and inform their daughter about her true birth father is not yet explained by the author. I am not a fan of unfaithful wives, but at this point in your story if I had to vote, I would vote for Molly rather than for vindictive bastard, Jim, who is divorcing her,and has ruined his daughter's birthday. 60 year old George
What the F . . .
The writing was excellant. The plot was believable, well thought out and described. However, if I had been the the daughter, I would have told "Dad" -- "Gee thanks so much for runing my life from here on out. Mom made a mistake, so now you are going to make me and every one else fucking miserable for it." Then tore up the note card with the phone number and threw the presents back in his face. Telling him to get the hell our of the house and never call me again.
But that's my reaction -- not the authors. His story is much better and I can't wait for the next section to see where he takes us. JimDinMN
Why tell her?
I see some detractors from the idea of telling her. Well, she's going off to college and should some misfortune befall her, she might be in need of immediate medical care. The medical history of her parents could be a crucial element in saving her life. He didn't tell her to hurt her or even his wife. If that was the objective, he could just have filed for divorce after the daughter left. But then she wouldn't know information that might be crucial to her. How could he not tell her?
Well Written
Well written, especially for the first effort on Lit. Be careful with changing tenses. Ok to change between segments, but you changed from third to first person while Molly was putting her pants back on after fucking Ron. Hopefully we will hear a more sympathetic story from Molly.
Great Love
Too bad the wife couldn't maintain fidelity after such a long time. It rates in the stupid class.
Somehow, for some reason, I get the feeling she and Ron did nothing but talk about her daughter. Being alone with a man for two hours in a motel could probably get you a divorce anywhere she may not have done anything sexual. May not have!
But look forward to the next chapter.
Wow, bad call.
Good story. A little disorganized, but overall well told. Your male protaganist seems an OK guy, straight arrow trying to do the best he can in a difficult situation. BUT! Letting your 18 year old daughter become the delivery agent for divorce papers!? Out of character. The whole presents thing is cruel and shows the guy has a very dark place inside if he could do this to his daughter.
A good start
Jim seems a little cold, but then again he bottled up his wife's screwing around for a long only to find out she was renewing her association with Jennifer's biological father.
Thank You. Ronnie W.
nice
Good story very well done
Neat Tale
All his ducks are in line, the daughter has to know her genetic history if she is going to live a thousand miles from her family. The meeting could have been to talk but both the wife and the lover should have gone through the husband and requested his presence if they wanted to avoid fall out. Now the minimum punishment had gone way up for both of them. Personally I would have talked to my wife before talking to the daughter and from the way things are written I suspect he could have stopped the meeting with a pre-emptive strike. He wanted to test her which is rarely a good idea!
Good start
Interesting start now let's see where it goes. Did I ever mention I HATE CHEATING WIVES? I do.
HA
Why didn't Molly know if her lover knew?
Molly and her lover had just spent two hours at a motel on the interstate on Monday. It seems that there should have been a conversation about why he had just upped and left. Ron should have told Molly what had happened between Jim and him. Maybe they were too busy playing hide the sausage to talk. In all, Molly should have know that the house of cards were about to fall, once Ron showed back up.
Not bad
Are to assume this will continue? Shouldn't change perspectives in the middle of the story though.
Okay
Should not try to comment when I'm half asleep. Sry
Continuation?
Like The Navigator, I remember this story up to Hubby sending the Bull away (with the assistance of Tiny and Al)! Haven't looked for THAT story (probably won't), but if this is a continuation, the original is usually cited (and the original author is notified in advance!). It is probably not a legal issue, but it IS a politeness thing!
I am also enjoying this, and concur with telling Daughter about her genetic background, especially since he plans to leave Sweetie! I would ALSO have told Daughter that if Mom had taken a different course, Daughter would NEVER have existed, and that I would NOT change anything if I could go back, else the Daughter I loved would be lost!
I also agree that Sweetie would have been told by the Bull in the motel about Hubby's banishment action.
No rating until more of this plays out!
Ooops!!! Ignore Continuation comment!
Sorry...thought this was a new posting! Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!!!
once again thecelt is a master writer
but the husband is a TRUE willing cuckold. He has SUCKER in big bold letters tattoo'ed on his forehead. Both him and the tramp knew before the baby was born it wasn't his and no amount of love will dispute that fact. WACC TO THE 20X degree.
Enjoyed it
Very well written. Thanks for the offering.
Too Nice?
Maybe I'm just a vindictive person, but while I probably wouldn't encourage my kids to hate their cheating mother, I wouldn't actively DIScourage it either!
So Far, Extraordinarily Good
5-Stars so far. But Molly and Jim have not paired and Molly is already unashamedly in a sexual relationship with a married man. No way to go but down from here.
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