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English
The truth
Well, the truth will out. It took awhile, 18 years in fact, for the two to get their stories out. But all's well that ends well!
Good story, enjoyed it.
Thanks for the entertainment!
I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I enjoyed the whole story too.
I hope to see more from you.
Hell of a build up
in the first two chapters for such an anticlimactic ending, at least it seemed that way to me. There’s room for improvement. Withholding any judgments until I read your next story. Don’t let any of our comments stand in the way of another story. You need to write it, we need to read it. What are you waiting on? A fan always.
well told, but
well told, but it is bogus to equate the falsehoods.
she violated her marraige vows, fucked a married man knowingly violating his, lied about it, and lied about her child paternity.
he just hide/lied knowing about it. not equal. and i can't see jen treating it as equal.
Damn people
haven't you ever made a mistake or told a lie. These things happen and to have a child stand up and fight for the things that should matter most in her world, her family, the love between her parents, is a true and wonderful ovation to the way she was raised. This is a beautiful story and you deserve a ten...Great job. And you also should be congratulated for the way you write, it's not easy writing in the first person and having to keep straight just who you are writing as must have gotten confusing sometimes. For a first try, this was excellent, keep writing.
hard to root
for anyone in this family. They cannot face any of their problems without two gorillas to back them up. Threatening to hurt and/or kill Ron (by having Ali and Tiny do it of course}, telling him where he can or can't live is a shame. Jennifer is the same. What a bunch of assholes. Is Ron blameless? No, but he doesn't have a chance. Molly was as much the blame.
Writing comment
Try writing a single point of view. That will allow you to develop your own voice as a writer. And by writing different characters in a single voice, ones that feel comfortable to you, then you learn how to do different voices.
Doing a multi-point of view narrative is very hard. The voices here sound very much alike. The more you write, the more you'll be able to make each voice distinctive.
You can write those "touches" - as in the description of the mother when the daughter arrives home.
I would also suggest that you write in one character so you can move away from telling the story as a string of events and more into the emotional world of the character's mind. That is more fun and it takes you to more interesting places as a writer.
Great Job
for a first time writer. Some mistakes but it seemed like by the repititions by the different perspectives of the characters that a lot of extra constipation of thought and diahrrea of words were present. But that was the author's choice as to how to tell the tale. Only mistake in time frame I caught in the story was where the former owner of the motorcycle shop picked jim up in the Hummer to take him to the bank many years before they were offered to the general public for sale. Some punctuation errors but very good overall. the story outline was good and proved two old cliches. (1) communication is the sound basis for a good relationship and, (2) Out of the mouths of babes sometimes come wisdom.
Like the other people have said about the content of the story line. molly was indeed the fault of the relationship with Ron. She knew he was married from the beginning. Ron was a lying cheating bastard but it was Molly who spread her legs for him and there sure as hell was no rape of her except maybe technically when Jennifer was conceived the last time he fucked her in the storage room. (I still have trouble believing that part of it though. ) that she thought it was Jim behind her was a far stretch of the imagination to say the least. I've gotten a lot of strange pussy in my life drunk and sober, but at no time did I ever think or pretend I was fucking my wife while doing it.
She continued to fuck Ron, knowing that she was "The other woman" in this adultrous affair, him still being married for two years, and even after she and Jim had more or less comitted themselves to a relationship.
As it worked out as Molly was not able to have any more children, Jennifer would never have been if the morning after pill had been available back then. Molly should have known when she conceived that ron's sperm was in her first and when she showed up pregnant that Ron was probavly the father of jennifer. She was living in a make believe world from that aspect. maybe her ovulating was the reason her nuts were so hot in the storage room.
Will be looking for more of your works, sooner rather than later, I hope.
Sorry, but i think that it sucked
I don't know why the husband stayed married to a lying cheating whore. Dosen't matter if it was just that one time. She cheated on him and had another man's child. He should have divorced her from the beggining.
I can only echo Danielle's beautifully
written words! Excellent job for a first effort. I felt the last part was the best; it had a wonderful depth of emotion.
As you said, you learned a lot from this effort and that will continue as you write more stories.
WOW!!!
First time writing huh? Well al I can say is Don't stop writing like this. It's one of the best well put together stories of its kind that I have EVER read.....PLEASE email me when you write another like it!!!!!!!!!
Paul
hammer17_98@yahoo.com
well done
Great first story I enjoyed it ...very well written I am looking forward to more from you
molly could have
saved a lot of heart ache later by aborting that kid by some means ...and waiting till she was pregnant by the right guy to begin with... so i have to say she was a dumb shit in a whole lot of ways..... he was better than i could ever have been in that i would never have taken another mans kid to raise in the first place....even if it was a mistake molly should have rectified it way before it got to the point of actually having that kid... who knows maybe her and jim could have had more ...maybe she wouldnt have lost their kids ...whatever she was still a lying cheating slut who should have aborted that kid and had hers and jims instead...you never make a mistake without taking care of that mistake ...she didnt and it came back to bite her in the ass...shes lucky that he took her back most wouldnt....anyway as most say a great start up story keep it up
I enjoyed the story, but
if you listen to Cloacas (What is that, anyway?) your next story will be even better. The guy is smart and a very good writer. A writer first needs an imagination, and you have that. Add the other ingredients and you will do very well.
Just what this site needs
Another writer who doesn't know men. Or maybe it's just white american men who willing take shit from the "Loving Wives". Had her husband ever jumped her in the Hospital storage room before? Any decent woman would have screamed. Sorry, I forgot she was "lonely". Bad guys win again.
Wonderful
For your first story it is also one of the best i have ever read. I had tears in my eyes. Oh sure, some will say wimp. You have to ignore those. It was a great story of a very loving family. Thanks for writing it. I will truly be looking for more from you
Enjoyable
Excellent story.Danielle said it all in an earlier comment,obviously some of the other people who made comments have never made a mistake in their lives!We all have our skeletons,Molly should have opened her mouth as quickly ashe did her legs.
Wait Until the 2nd or 3rd Time, THEN Forgive!!!
All these “loving wives” are fucking, sucking, being banged, being hoisted and pummeled, being sandwiched, and gang banged --- some once, others many times, some a one time deal, others on a weekly basis over years, as many as 30 years sometimes --- and their husband, their good, loving, forgiving husbands, are simply there to fee “hurt” and then DO THE FORGIVING? LOL
The funny, no, the silly thing is (as Blue portraited and as TheCelt also portraited it here) --- these wimpish-I-love-to see my-beautiful- glass-shaped wife being banged but- I gotta maintain a certain image, a certain- overt as well as public- disdained- especially- when discovered-husbands,,,, they pretend the get “deeply hurt” the first time, but they decide to let it go. They go to the gadget stores to buy the video and audio equipments to “chatch the slut” doing her things!
But, then, when they actually catch her and she pretends to cry better than most hollywood actress who could cry “real tears” on demand,,, what do these cuckhold husbands do? They tell us, within a few words or lines (by the authors, of course),
“Gosh, I felt so hurt, for months and months (this guy by TheCelt, he's hurt for over 18 years!!!),, but we got through. She’s just a darling now,,,No, I stand corrected: She's always been good, except, you know, once in a while when she has the urges to be, you know,,, we still see the counselor but she’s just a darling. I don’t have to put survellience in the house any more!
Hahahaha!
So What?
The writing wasn't perfect. The characters weren't perfect. The story line was controversal.
Overall, I think the author did a very good job. Considering the subject, he did as well as most. I'll be happy to read his next submission.
A damn good first effort
You have a right to be proud of this first effort. You told a good story and you got a lot of comments pro and con, which means people are thinking about your story. Jim seems to be a man who keeps his own counsel for better or for worse. He also seems to be a logical man. If those statements are true then his mind would work out the following: Are the good days and good times enough to offset the bad days and times? Would he be better off with Molly or without her? The answer to the two questions being yes he'd made his decision to keep the family intact until Molly screwed up and went to Ron's motel room, which act precipitated all that followed. being a softy you made this Horny 'ol Sailor happy with the ending. Thank You. Ronnie W.
Very Good
Enjoyed your story very much.
Boyd
It's all been said! Truly Wonderful Effort!
What a well crafted and woven storyline, can't believe it's a first effort with such maturity of plot and character portrayal. Take all of the positive comment as salutation of work well done. Don't dwell on the minute negatives longer than to address any with your next work. I commented at the first chapter when some felt it cruel how Jim dumped all this at Jens 18th. What came out continually in your writing, particularly for the "Jim" chracter, was the common real-life thread that everyone reaches their limit at some point. Whether that limit is insanity, violence, self-harm, or breakdown, is the authors choice in these fictional works. You've brought out the personal traits very well, and that's no mean feat, Congratulations. More please!!
Very good effort
Looking forward to your next submission
Morons
You write well and this is a promising first effort. Unfortunately your promising start did not end well. The absurd central plot devise that Molly got impregnated when Ron snuck up behind her AT WORK, fucked her dry pussy until he came, while she somehow thought it was her husband who she knew was out of town for two weeks and had never ever fucked her at work, was incredibly lame. You might as well have blamed her ignorance on the Martian woman who appeared from outer space to sit on her face and obscure her view of the man fucking her. And then you portrayed the two parents as such morons that nobody cared about them after the first two chapters.
Your writing will greatly improve if you have a realistic plot with human characters of at least average intelligence.
DAMN MACDUKE....YOUR BRUTAL BUT HONEST
I feel the same way. Although i have to say that i would have divorced the slut as soon as i knew that she had cheated on me and that the baby was not mine. I know that she only cheated on him that one time, but cheating is cheating. She became a selfish slut and lied to protect herself regardless of what she said. The baby would not of have been affected because she wouldn't of have ever know her adopted father. I think that the husband was stupid in believing what his wife told him. Why the hell would he take the word of a selfish whore and of a bastard and coward. Did he already forget that they were the ones that created this mess by lying and cheating 18 years ago. If they fucked each other for the two hours, why would they say anything when they have everything to lose. There is no evidence that they didn't have sex, just some story that for all we know is probably made up. She lied to him for 18 years. So what is one more lie, especially if she won't lose her marriage. I don't know why he stayed with her in the first place. For those of you that are going to say that it was because he loved her, well sometimes love isn't enough.
BY THE WAY
It was a damn good effort, but it left me feeling unsatisfied. Good story for your first time out. Don't let the bad comments stop you from writing. Like they say, live and learn. If some of you think that i am somewhat ruthless with my comments, well thats because i have been cheated on before and thats why i hate wimpy, cuckold stories or stories where the whore wife gets away with bloody murder(so to speak).
Good concept
For a first story you did an excellent job. There is obvious room for improvement but you did a fine job. In this story the ending was more than justified by the circumstances. This was not a story that warranted a scorched earth ending.
Nicely done!
I was hoping to find the wrap up of your story. You do realize that it is impossible to have everyone like your stories, don't you? Even the top writers have people who don't like their work. Those who have criticized your work, don't like it because they personally don't agree with the motivations behind the characters. That is simply their opinion and they are entitled to it, but the rest of us are entitled to our opinion, too. We like your story and it was heart-warming to see the husband and wife were able to reconcile at the end.
I look at it like this; my husband almost had an affair when I was pregnant, many many years ago, but it is long over now. Should Jim divorce his wife over a stupid mistake a long time ago? No; we all make mistakes and if we learn from it, we are better off. It's kind of like deciding against a political candidate for something they did 30 years ago; if they are no longer doing that item, should they be penalized today?
Your writing brings through the character's feelings and I agree, change the Hummer in the story (doubt those were around 18 years ago, perhaps a jeep or a 4x4).
Also, the wife's reasoning for going to bed with Ron just didn't make sense when he impregnated her. That's one area that if you can come up with a better story, your tale will be much better.
Overall, the Celt, I think this story shows you have the gift of imagination. Your plot came to a logical conclusion, and the plot and grammatical errors were so insignificant, that I am glad I read your story.
Best of luck to you in your future writing efforts.
Wimp or Not Wimp?
A mistake is a mistake. It has NO deception, no willfulness, no prolonged and unacknowledged consequences.
It is neither and accident nor a mistake when a husband has kids by OTHER women but pretends to be loving and loyal to the woman he’s married to and has lived with.
It is ALSO neither an accident nor a mistake when a woman has sex with other people other than her husband and NOT only not tell him about it, but keeps a pregnancy not the husband, letting him raise another man’s biological offspring. (Whether he adopts the kid or is aware of that and not tell her is a separate issue.)
That she LET HIM believe, FROM HER VIEW, that the offspring is his simply because she believes real knowledge would hurt him,,, that is NOT a mistake or an accident. NOR is it the action of a loving, trusting, and trustworthy spouse, I don’t care if she decides subsequently to become so so loving afterward,,,
Love is never an isolated thing; it encompasses trust, loyalty, truthfulness, trustworthiness, commitment, and other dimensions.
The short offside remarks the kid, Jennifer, told us about her mother and “real father” (the cuckholded man, whom some like to think as adorable) are not believable. The only explanation for the husband’s behavior is that he is a masochist and a voyeur. At least a closet one,,,
A man who finds that his young child is not fathered by him but by another man, who simply shuts up and becomes the most adorable and loving father for some 18 years and THEN when the wife goes out to meet with her former/lover to show him videos of his biological kid in a motel,,,, that’s only WHEN he decides to divorce her,,, but IMMEDIATELY says, “Oh, god, Molly, I thought you don’t love me any more,, that you still loves this man, the father of Jennifer,,, by the way, I know she’s not mine all these years,,, that’s only when I wanted a divorce,,, but now that you told me how much you have always loved me,,, gosh, how stupid could I be?””
How believable is that?
I’m sure a lot of women like such “loving”, adorable, trusting, loyal,
dedicated, and gentle husband. They can fuck around and have kids by other men but such acts can be explicated away as being “mistakes” or “accidents”,,, Who won’t want such men??
To readers who “damn with a faint praise”
Another day and another incredible story in La La land. This is the product of readers’ responses, Lit. version of Alice in the Mirror land, where incredibility is a virtue, vice is an honorable trait, and absurd is pure logic! Two moronic spouses lie and don’t trust each other throughout their marriage, and it’s called a happy loving family; life long deceit is called a mistake, and a story about unintended/accidental conception is actually being praised as a demonstration of imaginative talent of the author. I had to pinch myself to see that I am truly reading many of the cheering praises of my fellow readers. I know – every one is entitled to say anything. I am not challenging that. So I am not TELLING anyone what to say. I am appealing to your judgment, as I am trying to wake your common sense. Do you think that this is how you are helping a new writer? I mean, I am all for encouraging writers, but letting them push themselves over a literary cliff with no warning is hardly the way to go about it.
Hoorah! great closer!
This chapter soared above the others. Much better writing! I enjoyed the older Ron, no longer so cocky, pathetically trying to salvage some respect out of his situation. Was the restaraunt empty except for Ron, Jen Tiny and Ali! Lots of heated conversation but no mention of any reactions from staff or patrons. Thanks for writing a fine story!
Ignore the idiots
BRAVO!!!!!
Battlecruser
Excellent
Very well done, I fully enjoyed this. The lack of communication can really screw up a relationship. This was well written and well thought out. Kudos, looking forward to more submissions.
Well......
As far as stories go, I thought it was a pretty good one. It had alot of the elements needed to make it a good read that held you too it, and kept you there till you finished reading it. Very nice and a very good read.
But, like you didn't see that coming, I know everyone can't or won't like everything about every story. I have to say a husband that is so desperate to have a family, who is so desperate to have a baby, suddenly so desperate to not be alone is perfectly willing to adopt and raise another man's baby without finding out from his wife what happened? And after all the hurt feelings is willing to suddenly after talking to the wife let everything go on as if nothing ever happened after he forced the real father out of the picture? Wow. And the wife couldn't figure out that the husband, who was away for 2 weeks, wasn't the one suddenly ringing her bell in the supply closet. And didn't have the present of mind to stop her previous ex-lover until after they both had finished having sex? I mean unless he was a 2 pump lover, that should have really made her aware something was not right before it got too far gone.
Again "FANTASTIC" story. But...... The end is one that makes me kinda think, Huh?!?! A rich man that is desperate for a family he'll let anyone father his child, have a wife who will never be able to give him kids of his own, and he's fine with that? Huh?
Oh well, its still in its base form a really good story though.
Excellent Story
I really enjoyed the story. To err is human, to forgive- Devine. Encourage you to write more.
Confusing....
in the middle when you were writing different points of view- I didn't know you had gone back to the beginning of their relationship; however, you made your point across the board. Your story had substance and it was very realistic. People reading from this sight go for the "hardcore" sex scenes (wham bam thank you man sex scenes) and don't appreciate good writings.
Keep up the good work!
Great
a wonderful first try. keep it up
Good and bad
i will agree with the previous comment from Henrydavid
"A man who finds that his young child is not fathered by him but by another man, who simply shuts up and becomes the most adorable and loving father for some 18 years and THEN when the wife goes out to meet with her former/lover to show him videos of his biological kid in a motel,,,, that’s only WHEN he decides to divorce her,,, but IMMEDIATELY says, “Oh, god, Molly, I thought you don’t love me any more,, that you still loves this man, the father of Jennifer,,, by the way, I know she’s not mine all these years,,, that’s only when I wanted a divorce,,, but now that you told me how much you have always loved me,,, gosh, how stupid could I be?””"
however i would substitute (young child) with (only child), especially since the mom cant concieve anymore and dad is stuck raising another mans kid, Has "Cuckold"written all over his forhead.
darknite
I had not seen this one
The sappy ending of an 18 year old getting down on her parents, especially considering who dad is, actually made me puke! What a load of crap
It's stories like these
It's stories like these that make me sad when when I come to the ending. I got involved and could have happily gone another 3 parts. Yes, it is that good. You were right. the ending does need a little work. I like the daughter as the means of reconcilliation. But, why would she ever believe anything that Ron would say? Why would she not have asked her mother first for some basis to judge the authenticity of his words. And Jim? I can see, maybe, why he would not confront his wife, but you built him as a man of action and to fester for 18 years does not fit the rest of the character I perceived. Some where in there, I would suspect that his friends would have taken some action to help clear the air. They were privy to the necessary information and they had access to the two protagonists.
Thank you for giving us this treat. You have a talent for these stories that thanscends this genre.
unrealistic
Haven't heard of many guys that would say nothing on finding out their newborn is not their child AND the wife cannot have any more babies. Nothing to pass on to the next generation. He should have left, divorced and started again with a more faithful, [or careful!] wife.
A somewhat happy ending
Well written and a good read. The only thing that leaves me cold is that Jim doesn't have nor will ever have a child of his own with Molly. The one thing that he wanted most 18 years ago and was completely denied.
A good story
Thanks for the words
the daughter taking charge?
A good read, but spoilt by its weak ending. The husband who can harbour a grudge that long (18 years+) and not say anything despite his wife's infidelity is hard to believe.
Then the heroine (cringe!) of the last chapter who mediate (with the help of her uncles pug and thug) between her parents and force a resolution also falls in the same category of disbelief. I don't know of any young person who could suddenly broker a peace settlement in a matter of a luncheon dinner a problem which had festered for so long in the minds of two adults. Is she a candidate for the White House, or what?
Plot doesn't hold water
I recall reading this story not long after it was posted but didn't comment on it at that time. The second pass revealed some things I missed the first time and I'll comment on those.
The plot device on which the wife's pattern of deniability involves her husband never discovering the true paternity of the child is weak. Even if one supposes he never has reason to suspect, is there anything credible to the notion that in eighteen years there will never be a blood test done on his child? Worse, it's criminal to falsify a patient's medical records. Worst, the child could die from an incorrect infusion yet the author blithely ignores these things. It's a major flaw and one that cannot be overlooked.
As I read, I had to wonder at the husband's motivation for hiding the fact that he knew about his daughter's paternity. I can understand not telling the child but what is gained from not telling his wife that he knows? Does the author really expect us to believe that Jim decided to lie by omission for the sake of love? If that's love, I'll pass.
I suppose reconciliation is a possible outcome after seventeen years of silence but it's a creepy thing. Here we have two partners who, for their own reasons, deliberately lied to each other for almost two decades. I suppose it's possible--marriages have survived on worse--but it's a sad imitation of what a loving marriage should be. The two principals are broken individuals with no respect for the other nor the integrity to do anything about it. It's sorrowful wreckage.
As a first effort, the writing is credible even with the intermittent lapses in tense.
To all the critics
It's a story people. If you want exact realism go to the non-fiction section !! I loved it. By the way, all you macho dudes, it is conceivable to fall in love with a baby and not want to take the chance of losing that.
to fall in love with a baby don't not wanting to
let go?
which means you had to stay with a woman who said she was gonna have a child with you but instead she HAD to fuck another guy that same day FIRST before fucking you,
a woman who said she's worried throughout her pregnancy about it not being yorus but who never told you and for almost 18 years let you assume the baby was yours?, but since you found out too late --- that cheater already gave birth to the baby --- you simply couldn't and won't do any thing about such a woman, simply because of the baby?
and you wanted to divorce her only because you think, after close to 18 years, that she's still fucking that man, meeting him in secret, in motel rooms?
what a fucking "man" are you? you can love the kid, as it is not her fault, whose sperm created her,,, but surely why spend you whole life thinking the sun revolve around a woman like this Molly character here? actually, with a spineless man like this "Jim" here, no other woman would have him anyway, so might as well stay with "Molly",,, what a total weak loser character. being forgiving, etc. don't mean you surrender your decency as a man, as a human being, who knows when he is being treated like a dickless cuckhold
Not quite believable but a good story none the
less. I can understand the father once he has bonded to the child wanting to raise it. I dont understand not confronting a know cheating spouse, the child was born in the marriage. I can understand waiting until the child is an adult to transfer medical information if needed. I cant for the life of me understand a woman being pregnant by a man and not knowing how to contact him or to get medical information in the event of medical problems with the child. I can understand the daughter wanting nothing to do with an adulterer who happened to father her in a double adulterous sexual session. But hopefully as smart as this girl comes across she would gatheer medical information she might need. Personally, I would have divorced her immediately following the determination she had a bastard, that is the correct term. No where in the and over the two years she had the affair with the guy did STD testing come in and it was bareback sex as the pregnancy shows. The husband knew the guy was having multiple affairs and STD HIV infection risk skyrockets, it isnt just likely it is predictable. After all like Dan women who cheat around seldom cheat around with just one man, maybe one at a time but almost never with one man.
bs
so, daughter was happy to find out her mom was not a low life slut having an affair behind her dad's back. she was a low life slut having an affair behind ron's family's back. oh, ok .
A Special Read
I loved your story,It's quite unlike the others I've read on this forum/site and because of that it stands out to me.
This story persauded me to leave a comment ,something I've never considered in all my years of reading on this site.Your characters are realistic ,their feelings and actions were real and you took the time to make your characters live,even the small ones .I've enjoyed reading and will continue to read your other submissions.
Thank you.
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