All Comments on 'Team Chemistry Ch. 01'

Can't wait for the next chapter, who will get her, what happens at the initiation.

You have to write another chapter fast, that was incredible. You have a amazing writing gift, slow hot seduction of the married coach into lesbianism that was worth the wait. Cannot wait to read more. Thanks for submitting such a hot story!!

Masterfuly Artful. A beautifully winning story. The seduction was overwhelming and believable as were the characters.

Great story keep up the good work

Extremely well written, great build-up & hot lesbian sex!

What could be better? Looking forward to the next chapter...

I wanted to like this story. I really did. I thought the premise had potential. But it's lost in a disorienting deluge of words and changing perspectives. We have Leanne's perspective mixed in with Vicki's scattered around an omniscient narrator's perspective.

Every though and intention is explained to the reader before it happens to the point where there is no surprise, no mystery; leaving the story to degenerate into the mechanics of sex. And, any intensity generated there is smothered under the weight of an avalanche of meaningless phrases. I'm pretty sure somewhere on page three, one or more of our protagonists had mind blowing orgasms, but I'm hard pressed to point out where.

Finally, get rid of the thesaurus. Word choices like vixen, hussy and shucked are simply bad and outdated.

In writing fiction, less is often more. For example, Hemingway was a master at the economy of words. Closer to home, try reading "Lovers Without Realizing It" here on Literotica. Good luck.

but so far has only been a good story. I keep seeing "slave" and "humiliation" references, but I see nothing resembling either emotion. Sure a lot of it was probably embarrassing to LeAnne, but nothing equating to slavery or humiliation? Although I will admit that the "team bonding" planned for later will probably at least slightly humiliating for LeAnne. It also seemed a little melodramatic in places. That being said, I did enjoy it. First time seduction stories are among my favorites. Off to Part 2 now.

Sure wish that you would've taken this further than the two chapters you wrote it is not finished.

Anyway I loved chapter one. 5🌟's

quivered as fingernails raked THERE way across - I think you meant "THEIR"

There is a location and Their is a form of the possessive case

their home;

their rights as citizens;

their departure for Rome.