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English
Where's the story?
You set it up then jump to the end.
"Why did you give me such hell about my indiscretion?" You've got to be kidding. She was fucking his friend in their bed without a condom on their anniversary and that's what she says a few minutes after the confrontation.
I'd suggest you write the middle part of the story and resubmit this. You can write but you have to follow through with the conception.
Huh?
First, who the heck is Shirley and what is her relationship to Beth? Poor editing messed this up for me on that item alone. Second, it looked to me like you started out with one story and then pasted another ending onto it. The ending just didn't match the comment you made at the beginning. Third, I just didn't believe the protagonist's actions. I don't believe a man would actually take picture after picture without being enraged by what he was seeing. Fourth, everything happened in a few minutes one afternoon. June apparently forgave her husband a couple of minutes after he got home. His punishment was to become a father. Excuse me? Last, the dialogue was stilted and unnatural. In short, you need to find a believable story line, figure out where you're going and write toward that ending.
JUST HORRIBLE!!!!!
Where was your mind...no depth...no warmth ...no anger...no character development and no story...just plain senseless tripe...please re write it or remove it...let's see if I can do better....
HONEY, ON MY WAY TO THE PICNIC, I MET SOMEONE AND FUCKED HIM SENSELESSLY...BUT DON'T WORRY I MADE SURE NO ANTS GOT INTO THE PICNIC BASKET.
GEE THAT'S GREAT HONEY, BECAUSE ONE TIME I WENT TO A BBQ AND FUCKED THE HOSTESS, BUT I MADE SURE THAT THE BURGERS WERE WELL DONE BEFORE I BROUGHT THEM HOME FOR US.
Well how about that ...I write just as well as you do.LOL
I stopped reading
when I got to the stupidity of "Forgive me because I cheated too"
What a wimp out for an author. Couldn't care less what happened after that. Sorry I wasted my time reading any of it
The story had promise until then, but what a load of crap your 'twist' is.
keep your day job
while reading i was saying how was he going to wimp out.low and behole there it was,i cheated too.
So So
There were a lot of problems with this story. Too many to list. You did have a couple of creative ideas though.
Could have been good.
I suggest you look into the volunteer editor program, and listen to them!
The dialogue at the end was horrible! "Don't forget to douche, we are having sex tonight." Oh! I forgot it was our anniversary!"
If you take what you have as an outline and rewrite it, it could be good.
Not all bad...
just the last third, the important bit, 'I cheated too, so we have to forgive & forget'. Lame, very lame, did you lose interest or have to be somewhere in a hurry? The first part flowed great and showed the platform for a real stomach turner, and showed you're capable of much better work than this ...then you dumped it, the shitty confrontation and ending that is.
Only way out here, and you know it, is to pen a sequel starting from him confronting the pair and Jim leaving, & make sure you keep calling Beth, Beth. It adds some continuity to the character when you use the right name.
Ron, beats the shit out of Jim while he can't defend himself with his daks half up, and pushes his sorry arse out into the street, and he arrives home bruised to no sympathy from Shirley who again puts his arse out in the street.
Beth really cops some venomous interrogation and is sent back to Mom & Dad for an indeterminate time while Ron decides whether or not her whoring arse is welcome back. Ron later sets some severe terms for reconcilliation including all of his sexual fantasies on demand and sets a 'one strike and you're out' rule that she complies with. He finds the betrayal too much and turfs her out anyhow after another year, so she's filthy and gets a smart lawyer to try and screw him for the assets. He decides to publish broadly those fuck scene digitals unless she pulls back and goes quietly. He later dates and remarries someone he can trust.
What, you say? Wouldn't happen? So you think the scenario in this story is plausible? Then you belong with Ron or Beth.
Cheers
Barfola
Horrible horrible horrible. You have as much insight into male psychology as you do into nuclear physics. Your story is a total embarrasment
Keep writing
It's true the story could have been better and, at times, the dialogue seemed hokey. For all that it wasn't so bad. In any case think about the feedback for a minute or two and then keep writing.
Nice effort
This story lacks genuine emotional content, mostly on the part of the man. It would take much longer for him to realize this was an opportunity for his confession and his male pride would not have allowed the anniversary dinner to take place as scheduled. Cheating is not a formulaic thing; I cheated 3 years ago, you cheated today. We are even! I am not saying your premise is wrong, just that people do not react that quickly or with such precision. Deep, almost primal emotions are involved in such situations.
Aside from that, you write well and want to tell things the way you see them. Keep trying.
THAT"S IT????
YOU sir are a pussy! She'll think you are a push over and cheat again. I think you should have made her hurt a long time before forgiving her. That was way to easy!
Started out as an Ace....
Then sorta fizzled.
Now first, when I was telling someone else about this story provately I discribed it as this :
Great writing, real talent, but the plot line took a U turn.
Another poster stated that it felt like you got 2/3s the way through and then jsut tried to wrap up.
I have to reluctantly agree.
Don't let all the critisism's, including mine, get you down. You have a great talent and I really like your writing style.
I will be waiting for your next story.
consequences
he should have given her something to think about...to easy on them both
sure!!!!!!!!!
garbage.
Good but
Very good but you had a problem with Beth's name. and there was not enough emotion in the story for the problems they were going through. Things also seemed a little rushed . But still good
Good but
Very good but you had a problem with Beth's name. and there was not enough emotion in the story for the problems they were going through. Things also seemed a little rushed . But still good
Uhhhmmm.......uhhh.....Wow
I hope this comes out as more constructive and not as abusive, but ....Wow.
The story felt more like a means to show proof that "anyone" can reconcile regardless of what happens, than a story about either being unfaithful or consequences for that. And for both of the husband and wife to proceed like nothing ever happened? And for the wife of his best friend to make the decision to quickly get pregnant with her husband after seeing pictures of him with another woman? The story is a little hard to follow, believe or get wrapped up in.
It sorta feels like you may have read D.G. Hear's story about double standards, and then decided to show that some people don't have any of them. From your opening statement I knew it was going to be a husband forgiving the wife for cheating. But I waited to see how you developed that to make it plausible. Some folks can and some folks can't, but what ruined it for me, was the wife having repeated sex with his best friend till he stopped them, on their "Anniversary" (one of the more sacred occasions to a woman) and to after all that he gets on his knees and first beggs for her forgiveness for cheating on her while on the road two years ago (and his cheating was wrong of him also). And the reason he did this was that he considers it a balanced scale. Oh and to make sure that she would please douche so that he can get some good sex later too? It kinda felt like a Cuckold story wrapped in an thin layer forgiveness. It didn't feel like a believable story.
But just.......... Wow.
I'm still trying to get my head around this story. It seems more like you may have had a few ideas that you wanted to throw in a story to show the lack of double standards, but you didn't really flesh them out well. If you were planning on a story like this it seems just too weird how everyone is just so quickly "Forgiving". To be that fast on forgivness is really a foreign concept to one couple, but to stick "Two" couples on the same train heading the same way that fast makes for a less realistic story.
-Risq
Don't understand
If this was supposed to be written from a woman's point of view, it would make a little more sense. No husband would act as your character did, more like a cheating wife would hope he would act. The dude from Australia actually had a pretty good ending roughed out......from a MAN'S point of view. "Agena" must really be a woman.......or damned close to it.
Read the comments then move on to your next effort
I do agree with many of the comments posted here. I believe you have the ability to write great stories and I think most comments indicated the same. Learn from the negatives and turn them to positives for future efforts.
You wrote it... That in itself is an accomplishment to build on and if you improve time and time again you will be a good author.
Take heart.
Charleybear
What the Fuck!
You should have turned her into your slut and made her work the streets, with you sitting in the corner watching and taking pics. Fucking wimp, not proud enough of her to share? Let all your buddies have a crack at her.
Forgetting In A Matter of Hours?
The set up in the story was excellent but, as others have said, the outcome is unrealistic. No way could that image in Ron's mind be erased in a matter of hours & they have a "happy anniversary" dinner & fuckfest afterward.
I think the lingering anger would boil away whatever wine was ordered, and the shock and depression would chill any warm dinner served and SEX after just a few hours? Ron might treat Beth to rough sex & use her like a whore but anything loving and gentle at this point. A kiss? She had that guy's cock in her mouth! Not going to happen.
Goodluck on the next story
playingcardcompany
I agree with Kanga40
The sudden "I cheated two" plot twist is one of the dumbest cliches around and is a sign of someone who knows jack shit about writing. It's one thing to spring this on the characters, but another to do this to the readers. Maybe if you mentioned this earlier and had his narrative explain that he was worried she was going to leave him it might have been okay, but as written it is nothing but a cop out.
Bullshit
A lousy excuse for an erotic story.
Some things are possible.
Knowing first hand how the events of such a story unfold in real life I found your story both entertaining and almost realistic. The images never leave your mind, but they do dim with time. The events can be forgivin and the marriage saved based on a willingness of both parties to put their hearts and souls into the rebuilding. It's not impossible, but it does take much work and forgiveness on both sides of the marriage. I know, like I said first hand,been almost six years but every hour has been worth the time put into it. Good luck on your writing, maybe a bit more research into the story plots would help. Other than that a good story.
A story or a morality tele?
You don't need to write a story just to convey your moral point of view on marriage. If you take care of just creating a good story, the morals will shine out of it on their own.
Very erotic and natural and meaningful
Nuff said. But the absence of the condom should have suggested something....
Huh?
I know it's futile trying to make sense of a story like this, but, Jesus.
The guy is on the phone with the Jim's wife. They end with this exchange:
June was saying, "I don't think we should see each other for awhile until this heals over."
"I agree one hundred percent. I'm going to miss you, but we should stay apart for now."
Now doesn't that say that he was porking June? Then he confesses to some bar pickup in freakin' SLC?
My favorite line is, "Don't forget to douche," which he says facetiously. I'm giving you the same advice. Be creative.
Nice Fantasy
So he cheated 3 years ago and it is OK if they forgive each other?
Her excuse for cheating:
Quote
"I guess I was peeved at you for not being home for our anniversary....At lunch I had a glass of wine and after lunch we went to a lounge and I had a Margarita...I knew Jim had always liked me..."
End of Quote
His excuse for cheating:
Quote
"I was on a trip I had sex with a woman in Salt Lake City. She was on a business trip and married...I've never been tempted to repeat it since and I won't ever again..."
End of Quote
On the surface, he was lonely and did not understand how the action would impact him (i.e., the guilt). She was angry with him and feeling unattractive so Jim was a convenient fuck buddy. She cheated on him on their tenth anniversary!
No reason to doubt her any more? What about STDs?
One aspect of this scene that was disturbing was how he "shocked and awed" her into confessing about the episode. Then while she is still in shock (semen flowing down her legs) he lays it on her about his fling. Jim wife's also blackmails Jim into fatherhood. These actions are not appreciated once people have had a chance to think about them. In other words, Ron uses this event to get rid of his guilt that he had been carrying for 3 years when he should have fessed up after the business trip.
Also, if he really wanted to know if she loved Jim the best course of action would have been to take the pictures, leave the house and give her a call later to let her know that they would have that anniversary dinner later today. If she came clean fine, it was a mistake. If she lied or let it slip her mind then he can confront her about it.
SleeplessinMD
that crazy
man in your bed fucking your wife and talk shit to you. you taking pictures ae you brain dead.
Fantastic Story
Nothing wrong with your writing or story. The problem is the characters. If this were a true story, then it would fit the characters very well. You developed a husband and wife who are so shallow, selfish, uncaring, self-centered, unemotional, and unloving that it works.
The story starts with a husband who is concerned about nothing but getting home and getting laid. He knows it’s their tenth wedding anniversary, his wife is upset he is not home for it, and work is finishing up early, which will allow him to return home in time to take her out to celebrate. Does he call his wife to let her know he will be home early, nope, evidently didn’t even cross his mind. You ask why should he? How about to alleviate her anxiety as soon as possible over him missing their anniversary, to allow her to get prepared to go out, to allow her to rest so she will be in her best mood, and to keep her from making other plans like offering to baby-sit the neighbors kids so they can go out since her husband won’t be home.
Next we have a wife who evidently lives only for herself. She runs into a sexual admirer at mall, has private lunch and wine with him, goes out to a lounge with him, drinks margaritas with him, takes him home with her, fucks him in her husbands house, bedroom, and bed, does all this with total lack of concern for her husband, children, family, home, friends, or neighbors. No wonder she doesn’t want to go to work, look at all the fun she would miss out on.
Let’s not forget the sex scene itself, she is moaning, thrusting, and enjoying. Was all this enough? Hell no, she’s sucking him off, trying to get another round out of him, why not, they have all day, the kids are in school and the hubby’s out of town.
Back to the husband, upon discovering them together, does he stop them from completing their tryst. No way, why, because now he has an out for his misdeeds. Seems he is guilty of not only cheating on his wife, but lying to her for three years about it. Don’t even say it, concealing personal information from someone who trusts and loves you is lying to them.
Returning to the wife, she is so relieved that she is off the hook, but better yet, she will not have to miss the dinner, drinking, celebration, and more sex, wow. But wait, let’s not point a finger at her, the husband’s libido is still cooking, he tells her “ just clean it out, your going to be my slab of meat for the rest of the day, I’m too horny to wait.”
I’m not even going to comment on the friends, they match up with this couple very well. My hat is off to you, fantastic story if you accept it based on the characters you designed, and I think that was your real intent, at least I hope it was.
Who is Shirley?
Shirley? He was married to Beth and Shirley and both wives cheated on him! Damn, even Mormons can have marital problems.
So So
I felt the story needed some fixing. The characters and the situations needed more depth.
Bullshit
A piss-poor story written by a creep with no guts and no balls. Big 'A' you are the dumbest writer on this site. I have only scanned two of your stories and I will scan no more.
Pure Bullshit
Both this story and the annual outing are bullshit. Just a weak husband and a whore wife. Risq01 said it best with his comments on your other story.
Nope
Garbage, your characters should all die of aids......and in the real world, that's what usually happens to pieces of shit like them. You're a wuss.
You're a better man than I, Gunga Dihn
Story was good. But kinda hard to believe. If he kicked the shit out of Jim and had some time to settle down, at least a week or two, I could maybe accept some reconciliation. But.... What's the old saw about "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Does that apply? Does hubby even think about things like that? I sure do.
What I found Incongrous was, she said she was peeved about his not being there for their anniversary, so she forgets about it? And an anniversary is an excellent time to run out and fuck someone else when you're peeved at hubby, I guess?!
You're a better man than I, Gunga Dihn
Story was good. But kinda hard to believe. If he kicked the shit out of Jim and had some time to settle down, at least a week or two, I could maybe accept some reconciliation. But.... What's the old saw about "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Does that apply? Does hubby even think about things like that? I sure do.
What I found Incongrous was, she said she was peeved about his not being there for their anniversary, so she forgets about it? And an anniversary is an excellent time to run out and fuck someone else when you're peeved at hubby, I guess?!
Give me a break
Your statement saying that if a husband takes loving care of his wife he never has to worry about her cheating. Is a load of crap marriage is a two way street and communication is the cornerstone of a good marriage if the wife feels that her husband is failing to take loving care of her then she needs to discuss this with him and they can work on it as a couple she doesn't have to go out and commit adultery, and no Iam not picking on just the woman but the same goes for men as well. This story and at least two others Annual Outing and its sequal The Final Outing show men to have no self respect and can't seem to be able to do anything other then make themselves out to be wimps and stooges for there wives to use and throw away at will.
this guy is gay!
Want proof? He kisses her on the lips right after she was sucking that guys cock. I read that and I wanted to vomit. he probably got a boner tasting that guys penis on her lips. so I guess he's gay,gay,gay really gay! lol By the way do you "writer" admire just plain bob, because you write a little like him. He's into humiliation. You write pretty good, but in this story this guy comes across as a man with no balls, or really tiny ones. Forgiveness is alright , but only after a certain period of time, not seconds after.
you sound like a sissyboy
forgive my ass.
PLEASE author fucking kill yourself
god this is sooooo fucking bad
the super wimp pussy husband says to June "I have no other options except to go with the marriage..."
so he could not the annivesaruy in the middle of the wrok well... big fucking deal.... so she fucks some else?
according to this pussy stupid pathetic turd of an author that counts as Neglect...
Its not like the husband forgot-- it was just delayed a few days until the weekend which is NOT a terrible idea
she has not even showered and the super wimp pussy hubbby is kissing her on the mouth and the sperm of another guy in her mouth
If this is a true story you are one fucked
upman. Finding your wife fucking your frined on your fucking anniversery and you forgive her!!!?? WTF is wrong with you.
Unusual POV
But it would have been better if
handled a little more realistically,
especially the emotional issues...
UNBELIEVEABLE
This story sucked. This guy had sex with her the same day he was cuckholed. Unbelieveable! I have no words to describe how little respect I feel for the husband. She screwed his friend in his bed on his anniversary. Unbeleiveable!
Scarey
This wimp tale is as bad as that one of the Ohio story's. The poor pathetic wimp portrayed in this story sets a new low in wimps. Disgusting, revolting, and disturbing. Sets a bad example for women who expect a carte blanc for their cheating. Or does he like cream pie for his anniversary?
another wimp story
i've no pity for writers who write like they're teenagers.you come home your wife in your married bed been a whore for another man and you do nothing to the man.
my darling?
he caught her fucking around and he just calls her "my darling????????????????" this is such a stupid story, unbelievable! oh right...she had a free pass because he had once been unfaithful. Thanks for explaining that bit so the rest of us can benefit from this wisdom.
Are you fucking nuts!
What man in his right mind would kiss this crazy bitch after she was just sucking his friends cock? Sounds very gay. Agena were you reading jpb,s stories. Did he influence you. I know ohio admires him, but at least he rewrites his stories to put balls on these assholes. Your writing is passable, but your characters suck. Luis
Hi Ho Hi Ho
Sorry, thats another fairy tale, just a little more belivable. She had fucked him all afternoon was giving him a blow job and after a little talk everybody lives happily ever after? Spouses would be so pissed it would be a while before any romantic dinners let alone sex and planning for kids. Friend has commitment issues but after catching him fucking the shit out of wifes best friend shes excited now he wants kids. I belive, I belive.
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