have taken the job at the liquor store kept in touch with my kids, and not had a god damned thing ever to do again with the vindictive, jump to conclusion sons a bitches that had not trusted me.
The poor schmuck didn't have much of a wife anyway with her parading around at a Xmas party in a slut costume and him having to beg her not to go home with some other man that was hitting on her. bHe didn't have much of a fucking job either if his fine father in law was ready to fire him without even asking for an explanation. Poor slob will be in troubleagain the next time his wife decides he is guilty before his trial. The whole family sounds like a bunch of fundamentalist Christian Republicans except at the end where he fucked her in the shower. The women won't fuck in the light..
by
Anonymous12/05/05
Weak, but well done.
Thank you for your effort.
The black out drunk wrongly accused of cheating and crucified by the spouse has been done many times.
The problems with your plot and story arc are the problems inherent in the jealous rage at a black out drunk.
Your story leaps to a death sentence on a first offense withour any recriminations against Helen. The inconsistent behavior of the family to the Helen and the spouse is too much.
I look forward to your next work.
by
Anonymous12/05/05
Please
Please. Can't someone write a story that doesn't depend on a blacked out drunken spouse as the focal point of the story. This one is worse than most. It doesn't even explain why wife thinks he fucked her sister. It goes from his drunken stupor to wife screaming at him. First vague explanation comes at end of story when sister arrives. the Ct. Yankee
Some of the dialogue seems a little stilted. I would suggest that you print the story and read it out loud to yourself before you submit it. It is a habit of mine to do just that before I make a speech or presentation.
On one hand you have a husband that is really pretty desprate and would do anything to have a family. Not saying thats a bad thing, but this guy really doesn't have much pride or self respect. Pride/Self respect and an Ego can be good and they can be bad. But really I don't see much of either in the main character.
On the other hand you have a wife that can't wait to kick the husband out. Kicks him from his house, takes all the money, wished him dead for over 2 months, and says "I'm sorry" and he rushes back like nothing ever happened.
Uhhhmm ok, what's wrong with that picture?
Intresting story, I'll give you that, but it really needed some fleshing out. And the husband may have needed a spine or two implanted, but still was intresting given the season.
by
Anonymous12/05/05
Thanks, I guess.
Your story reminds us all of just how fragile our lives really are. One careless action, or in this case, no action at all, can ruin everything.
I agree that hubby's rather casual forgiveness is bizarre, however.
I do think a better move on his part would be to find an employer who does not have 'in'law' after his name. Liquor stores pay very poorly, so maybe Wally World?
Anyway, thanks for the charming Christmas Classic.
by
Anonymous12/05/05
What?
His wife strips down to a "veil over her breasts" and a thong, dances dirty all night long and then gets mad at hubby who's asleep in a side room? Did you start out to tell one story and get side-tracked into another, writer? The other comments tell it all. You have some ability to tell a story but you need lots and lots of polish and hard work.
This story is but one outstanding example about how fucked up our society has become. So what if he fucked his sister-in-law? She is married, so how is that gonna hurt her? I don't think that God made us in such a way that we cannot fuck whomever wherever however we please. Our society's norms and morals are sick. It is too bad that God did not intervene in this family and cause some cancer or heart trouble to develop in punishment of them for being so sick in the head.
I wouldn't have been nearly as forgiving as Jim was, but that's just me. Your story kept my attention from beginning to end, and good luck in the contest.
the storyline was good but a big heap of reality in the end instead of that fairytale finish would have saved this story.
how could his wife not talk to her sister,of at least the father talk to sister? she's married to the guy yet isn't aware that he can't get it up when he's that drunk?
a good finish with with a more realistic reconciliation would have made this story worthwhile. but this gosh,wow,geewhizz,golly,pass the belgium waffles finsh messes up the story.
good luck with the next one,
don
by
Anonymous12/05/05
My Oh My How I Love
a Christmas Fable that makes everyone happy but not drunk.
Look a simple mistake anyone could make and when 100 years from now this wonderful family epic is told there won't be a dry martini in the house as it will cause goosnusbumps around the bar - ah mean tree.
all this time Jim was kick out of the house? If he knew he could not perform why did he not track down Helen to get the truth? I can understand him coming back for the kids but once they were grown why would he stay with Mary? I guess next time he will put away some money in a separate account in case they throw him out again.
Jim is a very weak character.
SleeplessinMD
by
Anonymous12/06/05
Wimp
James musta been one hell of a wimp. Otherwise he woulda tracked the sister down or did something. Maybe if there is a part 2 where the next day he tells his wife and father-in-law that this was BS and there will be some changes. First the house in his name. Second all bank accounts in his name only. Third an agreement signed by his wife that if she divorces him for ANY reason that she gets nothing and that he gets the kids and she will pay child support. I understand forgiveness but fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
by
Anonymous12/06/05
I agree with the zzzzzz
I don't understand why you'd bother writing something like that...
by
Anonymous12/06/05
What a bunch of drivel
This has got to be one of the worst stories I've ever read. The grammar was horrible. The story flowed as if it were a stopped up toilet. It made no sense whatsoever. Please, do us a favor and delete this story and actually write something good.
by
Anonymous12/06/05
Um... what?
A con breaks parole to make nookie with his girl. Okay so far, but he does it at... a party packed full of people in a room with his brother in law? I can see why this moron got caught in the first place. Or is this just sloppy writing to set up the implausible plot twist?
Then, Helen makes no effort whatsoever to deflect the shitstorm of anger from her sister? Even if she didn't want to come clean about her man breaking parole, she would have come up with _something_!
And don't even get me started on the ending...
by
12/06/05
You've got a good
start here, you just need to expand upon the idea, add detail and then think about the ending a little more. Not too many men are just going to act like a whipped dog and slink away with their tails between their legs. Keep trying though.
by
Anonymous12/06/05
I don't see
...how this guy could be any more spineless and brain-dead. Sheesh, even kiddie cartoons exhibit more complexity of character.
Hang in there, Allflorall. I've read a lot worse first stories here at Lit, mine for instance. Loving Wives tends to generate an above average number of brutal comments. Let 'em roll off your back and keep writing.
Rumple
by
Anonymous12/10/05
I'm Hard, Enough as a Chisel, so I used it as one
and she's crying for joy!
WTH! i hope the next time she does it, she'd just get more of this hard as a chisel dick of yours, rather than some bullets to the head like some other silly living wive husbands!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so hard; I could use my cock for a chisel. I push it in and Mary is already wet. She's crying. I ask, "if I'm hurting you I will stop now."
"No, No, I'm crying for joy. You have forgiven me for what I did to you. You're so much more than I deserve. Now take me and take me. I so want to make up for all I have missed with you."
We do it standing in shower; we dry off and go in our bedroom. I'm hard again so we do one for the reindeer and another for Santa. This is a good Christmas after all.
by
Anonymous05/10/06
a new Low in moronic stupid authors
dude you suck as writer ... Its just that fucking simple.
wife dresses like a whore at party... sees he is passed out drunk throws him out he loses his job his reputation and access to his kids
then she comes back 2 months later -- during which time HE is living in a bottle.... and the wife says I am sorry let fuck...
and he says Ok...??? are that much of a of pussy wimp loser?
by
Anonymous06/03/06
I have zero tolerance for drunks
Drunks shouls all be executed. They abuse something that is legal. Alchol is the worst of all drugs..And I get a heavy fine for having a little pot on me..Kill all drunks.
his dick may not get harder than a wet noodle when he's drunk but his backbone is nonexistant 24/7. this guy make wimps look good.
by
Anonymous04/23/07
Drunk husband, a stupid wife, and an idiot family.
The only intelligent people in this story are the sister and her husband. Everyone else isnt worth wasting time on. Get the kids to a foster home as soon as possible and hope that environment takes precedence over inheritance.
by
Anonymous04/08/08
You forgot to mention the stupid writer of this
pigsty. Allfornone why don't you euthanize yourself. Then you won't take up space in the world for your stupidity
by
Anonymous10/21/08
stupid
the wife his stupid and he should have taken the chance to get away from her. as to the kids, that is why there is visitation. and the minimal contact with the rest of the family.
by
Anonymous02/13/09
Ok so the owner of the dollar store gets his son
in law back. The kids get their dad back. The wife stopped fucking all the guys at the party, finally realizes the husband is missing, finds him and thinks he fucked her sister and she throws him out. Tell me where in the crowd you find an IQ higher than 70 or anyone fit to have kids?
by
Anonymous05/28/09
Story was ok overall
Sadly the ending didn't work for me or too many others. Don't feel too bad though, you simply fell into the same pit as a good many other LW authors. You dug the characters in too deep. She comes to her conclusion without any way for him to prove his innocence. He looses his job in her daddys company and his reputation is torn to shreds. He becomes a boozing drunk without a job. There's no easy way back to that. He may never be able to work in his old position ever again, and a promotion may not be feasible either due to the total destruction of his good name. There should be a degree of resentment on his side either. He had everything stripped away from him and had nothing and now he's back and they are having lovey dovey sex and he's saying "yes dear"? Sorry this strains the limit of the "suspension of disbelief" that you need for fiction to work.
by
Anonymous04/11/10
Wife loves to Dance and I can't dance worth a damn
Anyone else tired of the cliche of husband at company party whose wife loves to dance and he can't dance worth a damn and the story goes downhill from there.
Were I the author My protagonist would give up drinking, get in good physical shape and spend the next year or so plotting revenge on the bitch.
By the time I was done she would be so fucked up in some way (like drugs, or prostitution, etc.) that she would be deemed unfit to have any contact with my kids.
It started out alright, but was really sloppy at the end.
by
Anonymous07/14/13
I gave it 2 stars...
... If it had been me I would stay just long enough to document what happen, write my resume and scrap together a BTB fund. Then I'd turn the lawyers loose on my wife and father in law. Wrongful termination, pain and suffering and unlawful expulsion from domicile should get the attorneys drooling. Panther Fan.
by
Anonymous07/21/13
he let them off to easy what a WIMP
now if ever their is a wimp , this guy surely fits the description
The story had no cohesion, it just jumped around and the plot made no sense. So on Christmas Mary thinks her husband cheated, kicked him out, he got fired and for the next 11 months not one single person questioned that sequence of events. Then on Thanksgiving, suddenly we discover that Helen's husband was there last Christmas and did the dead with his wife and now Mary learns the truth and is repentant?!?
And you think that actually makes a good story?
Better luck next time.
by
Anonymous12/23/15
Give The Guy Some BALLS At Least
So all is forgiven..B.S. The guy should of filed for divorce and let his wife and father-in-law dela with the fallout..👍
by
Anonymous04/22/16
Get Real
What a Bull Shit story.
by
Anonymous06/19/16
Yep, a BS Story
The guy had NO MONEY? Very unbelievable. First he's a wimp, then a wuss, then a kiss ass, then a wimp again..
English
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...
After getting treated like that, I'd not be like some docile little poodle and take that shit lying down.
completely unique.....
nothing like this in the other contest entries...good luck!
Uhhh, what the hell...???
Reads like a demented I Love Lucy episode.
Kinda weird, but you could easily develop a cult following here. Do more...
Sorry
I men, does the man have a spine or does he just slither on the ground?
nice read
send us some more.
Crazy
With a wife like that, a man doesn't need any enemies.
Boyd
Very moving
Very moving, and very well written....Need I say more!!!
I'd
have taken the job at the liquor store kept in touch with my kids, and not had a god damned thing ever to do again with the vindictive, jump to conclusion sons a bitches that had not trusted me.
The poor schmuck didn't have much of a wife anyway with her parading around at a Xmas party in a slut costume and him having to beg her not to go home with some other man that was hitting on her. bHe didn't have much of a fucking job either if his fine father in law was ready to fire him without even asking for an explanation. Poor slob will be in troubleagain the next time his wife decides he is guilty before his trial. The whole family sounds like a bunch of fundamentalist Christian Republicans except at the end where he fucked her in the shower. The women won't fuck in the light..
Weak, but well done.
Thank you for your effort.
The black out drunk wrongly accused of cheating and crucified by the spouse has been done many times.
The problems with your plot and story arc are the problems inherent in the jealous rage at a black out drunk.
Your story leaps to a death sentence on a first offense withour any recriminations against Helen. The inconsistent behavior of the family to the Helen and the spouse is too much.
I look forward to your next work.
Please
Please. Can't someone write a story that doesn't depend on a blacked out drunken spouse as the focal point of the story. This one is worse than most. It doesn't even explain why wife thinks he fucked her sister. It goes from his drunken stupor to wife screaming at him. First vague explanation comes at end of story when sister arrives. the Ct. Yankee
Thanks for the effort
Some of the dialogue seems a little stilted. I would suggest that you print the story and read it out loud to yourself before you submit it. It is a habit of mine to do just that before I make a speech or presentation.
Ok.
Hmm, not sure where to take this one.
On one hand you have a husband that is really pretty desprate and would do anything to have a family. Not saying thats a bad thing, but this guy really doesn't have much pride or self respect. Pride/Self respect and an Ego can be good and they can be bad. But really I don't see much of either in the main character.
On the other hand you have a wife that can't wait to kick the husband out. Kicks him from his house, takes all the money, wished him dead for over 2 months, and says "I'm sorry" and he rushes back like nothing ever happened.
Uhhhmm ok, what's wrong with that picture?
Intresting story, I'll give you that, but it really needed some fleshing out. And the husband may have needed a spine or two implanted, but still was intresting given the season.
Thanks, I guess.
Your story reminds us all of just how fragile our lives really are. One careless action, or in this case, no action at all, can ruin everything.
I agree that hubby's rather casual forgiveness is bizarre, however.
I do think a better move on his part would be to find an employer who does not have 'in'law' after his name. Liquor stores pay very poorly, so maybe Wally World?
Anyway, thanks for the charming Christmas Classic.
What?
His wife strips down to a "veil over her breasts" and a thong, dances dirty all night long and then gets mad at hubby who's asleep in a side room? Did you start out to tell one story and get side-tracked into another, writer? The other comments tell it all. You have some ability to tell a story but you need lots and lots of polish and hard work.
A good ending
This story is but one outstanding example about how fucked up our society has become. So what if he fucked his sister-in-law? She is married, so how is that gonna hurt her? I don't think that God made us in such a way that we cannot fuck whomever wherever however we please. Our society's norms and morals are sick. It is too bad that God did not intervene in this family and cause some cancer or heart trouble to develop in punishment of them for being so sick in the head.
A Man's Despair
I wouldn't have been nearly as forgiving as Jim was, but that's just me. Your story kept my attention from beginning to end, and good luck in the contest.
ok,but
the storyline was good but a big heap of reality in the end instead of that fairytale finish would have saved this story.
how could his wife not talk to her sister,of at least the father talk to sister? she's married to the guy yet isn't aware that he can't get it up when he's that drunk?
a good finish with with a more realistic reconciliation would have made this story worthwhile. but this gosh,wow,geewhizz,golly,pass the belgium waffles finsh messes up the story.
good luck with the next one,
don
My Oh My How I Love
a Christmas Fable that makes everyone happy but not drunk.
Look a simple mistake anyone could make and when 100 years from now this wonderful family epic is told there won't be a dry martini in the house as it will cause goosnusbumps around the bar - ah mean tree.
Cult sign-ups at Sachem.huh
Zzzz
zzz
Where was Helen...
all this time Jim was kick out of the house? If he knew he could not perform why did he not track down Helen to get the truth? I can understand him coming back for the kids but once they were grown why would he stay with Mary? I guess next time he will put away some money in a separate account in case they throw him out again.
Jim is a very weak character.
SleeplessinMD
Wimp
James musta been one hell of a wimp. Otherwise he woulda tracked the sister down or did something. Maybe if there is a part 2 where the next day he tells his wife and father-in-law that this was BS and there will be some changes. First the house in his name. Second all bank accounts in his name only. Third an agreement signed by his wife that if she divorces him for ANY reason that she gets nothing and that he gets the kids and she will pay child support. I understand forgiveness but fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
I agree with the zzzzzz
I don't understand why you'd bother writing something like that...
What a bunch of drivel
This has got to be one of the worst stories I've ever read. The grammar was horrible. The story flowed as if it were a stopped up toilet. It made no sense whatsoever. Please, do us a favor and delete this story and actually write something good.
Um... what?
A con breaks parole to make nookie with his girl. Okay so far, but he does it at... a party packed full of people in a room with his brother in law? I can see why this moron got caught in the first place. Or is this just sloppy writing to set up the implausible plot twist?
Then, Helen makes no effort whatsoever to deflect the shitstorm of anger from her sister? Even if she didn't want to come clean about her man breaking parole, she would have come up with _something_!
And don't even get me started on the ending...
You've got a good
start here, you just need to expand upon the idea, add detail and then think about the ending a little more. Not too many men are just going to act like a whipped dog and slink away with their tails between their legs. Keep trying though.
I don't see
...how this guy could be any more spineless and brain-dead. Sheesh, even kiddie cartoons exhibit more complexity of character.
The joys of a Loving Wives entry :)
Hang in there, Allflorall. I've read a lot worse first stories here at Lit, mine for instance. Loving Wives tends to generate an above average number of brutal comments. Let 'em roll off your back and keep writing.
Rumple
I'm Hard, Enough as a Chisel, so I used it as one
and she's crying for joy!
WTH! i hope the next time she does it, she'd just get more of this hard as a chisel dick of yours, rather than some bullets to the head like some other silly living wive husbands!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so hard; I could use my cock for a chisel. I push it in and Mary is already wet. She's crying. I ask, "if I'm hurting you I will stop now."
"No, No, I'm crying for joy. You have forgiven me for what I did to you. You're so much more than I deserve. Now take me and take me. I so want to make up for all I have missed with you."
We do it standing in shower; we dry off and go in our bedroom. I'm hard again so we do one for the reindeer and another for Santa. This is a good Christmas after all.
a new Low in moronic stupid authors
dude you suck as writer ... Its just that fucking simple.
wife dresses like a whore at party... sees he is passed out drunk throws him out he loses his job his reputation and access to his kids
then she comes back 2 months later -- during which time HE is living in a bottle.... and the wife says I am sorry let fuck...
and he says Ok...??? are that much of a of pussy wimp loser?
I have zero tolerance for drunks
Drunks shouls all be executed. They abuse something that is legal. Alchol is the worst of all drugs..And I get a heavy fine for having a little pot on me..Kill all drunks.
speaking of wet noodles..........
his dick may not get harder than a wet noodle when he's drunk but his backbone is nonexistant 24/7. this guy make wimps look good.
Drunk husband, a stupid wife, and an idiot family.
The only intelligent people in this story are the sister and her husband. Everyone else isnt worth wasting time on. Get the kids to a foster home as soon as possible and hope that environment takes precedence over inheritance.
You forgot to mention the stupid writer of this
pigsty. Allfornone why don't you euthanize yourself. Then you won't take up space in the world for your stupidity
stupid
the wife his stupid and he should have taken the chance to get away from her. as to the kids, that is why there is visitation. and the minimal contact with the rest of the family.
Ok so the owner of the dollar store gets his son
in law back. The kids get their dad back. The wife stopped fucking all the guys at the party, finally realizes the husband is missing, finds him and thinks he fucked her sister and she throws him out. Tell me where in the crowd you find an IQ higher than 70 or anyone fit to have kids?
Story was ok overall
Sadly the ending didn't work for me or too many others. Don't feel too bad though, you simply fell into the same pit as a good many other LW authors. You dug the characters in too deep. She comes to her conclusion without any way for him to prove his innocence. He looses his job in her daddys company and his reputation is torn to shreds. He becomes a boozing drunk without a job. There's no easy way back to that. He may never be able to work in his old position ever again, and a promotion may not be feasible either due to the total destruction of his good name. There should be a degree of resentment on his side either. He had everything stripped away from him and had nothing and now he's back and they are having lovey dovey sex and he's saying "yes dear"? Sorry this strains the limit of the "suspension of disbelief" that you need for fiction to work.
Wife loves to Dance and I can't dance worth a damn
Anyone else tired of the cliche of husband at company party whose wife loves to dance and he can't dance worth a damn and the story goes downhill from there.
60 year old George
Were I the author My protagonist would give up drinking, get in good physical shape and spend the next year or so plotting revenge on the bitch.
By the time I was done she would be so fucked up in some way (like drugs, or prostitution, etc.) that she would be deemed unfit to have any contact with my kids.
Touch the bitch...
PARTY'S ARE MEANT TO BE FOR UNWINDING
and people who are not, cant. TK U MLJ LV NV
Juvenile!
This story has very little real content. It was not created, it was reported.
Need to work on your grammar and spelling.
It started out alright, but was really sloppy at the end.
I gave it 2 stars...
... If it had been me I would stay just long enough to document what happen, write my resume and scrap together a BTB fund. Then I'd turn the lawyers loose on my wife and father in law. Wrongful termination, pain and suffering and unlawful expulsion from domicile should get the attorneys drooling. Panther Fan.
he let them off to easy what a WIMP
now if ever their is a wimp , this guy surely fits the description
Completely Lame
The story had no cohesion, it just jumped around and the plot made no sense. So on Christmas Mary thinks her husband cheated, kicked him out, he got fired and for the next 11 months not one single person questioned that sequence of events. Then on Thanksgiving, suddenly we discover that Helen's husband was there last Christmas and did the dead with his wife and now Mary learns the truth and is repentant?!?
And you think that actually makes a good story?
Better luck next time.
Give The Guy Some BALLS At Least
So all is forgiven..B.S. The guy should of filed for divorce and let his wife and father-in-law dela with the fallout..👍
Get Real
What a Bull Shit story.
Yep, a BS Story
The guy had NO MONEY? Very unbelievable. First he's a wimp, then a wuss, then a kiss ass, then a wimp again..
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