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English
wore out...
.....two pair of tenni-shoes standing still thinking about this poem
You definately move forward.
Not too many poets here, from what I have seen, can pull off stretch poetry (no strophe breaks) convincingly. There are many nice images here:
"it bends
in a brutal way like the wooden boards
on an empty wine barrel"
is especially nice, and
"wishing I could taste
your thoughts like that first caress
of red wine on the tongue"
is a nice followup, though a bit more stock.
there are also some shopworn phrasings (you need to get rid of those), like:
"You grab my mind
twist it into acrobatic contortions"
and
"that first sight
of treasure under the sea"
I also think this particular piece lacks an overall sense of real clarity, but there is no doubt you are doing the right things and walking the right roads with your language.
You are a poet
that is learning to write poetry...i especially enjoyed your beginning and ending...all you need is structure...thanks.
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