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English
~~
Well, yes, men can have that effect...
•)
when trains wrek
there's these moments
you can see it coming
and can only watch
a careless word
a misplaced unmeant action
can sometimes be like that
terrible errors
broken glass bone steel and blood
crashing halts and flat stoped seconds
seen from a distance
you wonder if trains will ever run again
is it safe to go anywhere?
Poetry, yes!
He’s taking me for a ride
with the words from his lips
splitting my head
aching my thoughts
until I’m not sure
if I should be here
or out on the curb
watching him drive on by.
The only thing I would've done differently is killing off the "ings".
He’s taking me for a ride
with the words from his lips
that split my head,
and ache my thoughts ("and" should be here)
until I’m not sure
if I should be here
or out on the curb
as I watch him drive on by. (or "drive by")
I agree
that there is an excess of -ing verbs here and crispness is lost. I also question the line "aching my thoughts."
But as usual, your poetry has something to say. And that alone, the consistency with which you write verse that speaks, is a reason to compliment you.
I like the poem
and as far as gerunds, I'd at least change the first one to read: He takes me for a ride
very effective......
and really like the last two lines. nicely done.
~~
This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 38,000 poems.
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