It'd benefit from a good copy editor - why does it change from third to first person narration half way through, for example?
Wow, this is rough! The spelling was awful! What a waste of space.
For one thing, you CANNOT change from third person to first person halfway through a story.
Good story, but it really needs to be edited. Switching from 3rd person to 1st person is distracting. Several spelling errors also.
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