by RedHairedandFriendly
Another dark write
Of sightless seeing;
Might want to patch the last line of 3rd strophe:
"So now the he controls her mind."
in Hamlet's soliloquy come to mind: "To be or not to be ..et al," DC. Deep mind numbing hurt, rejection, scorn. It's all there and it's dark. Thank You for letting us see your soul, but perhaps the next glimpse will be a happy peak. Ronnie W.
Too familiar....
Nice writing, Red.
The edge screamed for her not to walk so close.
The tight rope waved under the force of the wind.
She was warned, but didn’t listen,
So now the he controls her mind. - You may want to edit this line. You probably didn't see the "the" when you submitted. I wish I knew a little more about this control of her mind. Damn, I know how this feels. It's a bitch being mind-fucked!
There is a moment she hovers and thinks.
To leave him would hurt him.
She doesn’t want to hurt him.
Maybe:
There is a moment she hovers and thinks.
To leave him would hurt him.
She doesn’t want to cause any pain. (too many "him")
She doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
So she sits down, she writes.
She pours out her soul.
She travels alone, lost, and saddened.
Her smile is gone and she can’t find it.
Perhaps someday she will.
Maybe:
So she sits down and writes
To pour her soul out on paper.
She travels alone, lost, and saddened
Without a smile.
It is gone. Will it ever be found?
Or
Is is gone. Will it ever be found again?
Or (damn me)
It is gone. Will she ever find it again?
I'll shut up now. :)
emotional poem filled with poetic passion in every word, a very touching write
. . . because I remember the thread that was started, and Rybka's suggestion you try free verse.
. . . and because you seemed very sensitive to a negative comment on another thread (and though I never leave worthless, insulting comments like that one - I still wonder why it would bother you in the first place when the obvious path is to ignore it as the trash it is - and I give you kudos for not erasing it. It says a lot about the person who wrote it, and nothing at all about your poetry.)
I do not know, therefore, how open you are to consructive criticsm - but in light of that first thread, I just wanted to tell you that you should not let that red 'H' that prompted me to write this go to your head.
Your writing is improving, but there is much that needs to be done - The language in this poem is too 'familiar', too repetitive, to be the type of poetry you are obviously trying to reach to.
Keep working, and don't let anyone fool you into thinking you have gotten where you wish to be . . . you are moving in the right direction. You will continue to, unless you start thinking you're there already.
You need to "stretch" the language of your writing - reach to unfamiliar ground - explore the possibilities that words have beyond the ordinary phrases of this poem.
Best of luck in your quest for improvement.