All Comments on 'Scarlet's Web Part I'

Marketing strategy and selling

With new meaning for hands on experience;

Somehow I suspect

This is not what Deca is all about.

I don't get your rhyme pattern. It's all over the place. The poem has some good lines, and a lot of clichés. And I think good erotica usually leaves a bit more to the imagination--"Luscious lips and long lapping tongue glides"--or finds a more sophisticated way of writing it.

Some of the better lines:

"seductive walk across a wet wind's gust"

"mini skirt and halter smut"

"she felt a few dollars short of a high."

The first stanza really needs work. You want your opening stanza to be strong so you can pull the reader in. It really does have an abundance of clichés.

In the 7th stanza, you rhyme lines 1 and 2.

"She reaches for his trousers as he sped away

feeling his passion arise and want to play"

I know you want the away/play rhyme, but "want to play" in an erotic poem seems like what a novice poet would write. The two lines below those aren't bad at all, which makes the first two lines even more obvious in their lack of originality.

Last stanza: Not very good, except for the 3rd line.

Since it appears this is going to be another long series, you may want to really think about how you're going to continue. You may want to consider a rewrite of this first poem before you move on. If you do rhyme, then be consistent and try a more complex rhyming scheme. There are all sorts of interesting forms you can use.

*Not using the thermometer

number 1 on the new list today...I missed it the first time through...

good thing i took a second look!

good...

~LB~