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English
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Very good ~
With that last line
Made me go and read it over...
OK.
Everything you do shows signs of progress. Flow and line/strophe breaks, subtlety of language, strength at end and beginning -- all those things are getting better, a step at a time.
I question many word choices here, not necessarily as ineffective, but just as not sharp or the best possibilities. The metaphor goes from smoke to color to geology and back and feels mangled in spots. Here, for instance:
for perfume no longer smothers
the grain stains of her smoke,
nor does it colour
the black and white regions
in the cliff-edged reasoning
of her mind.
Very tangled phrasing to me -- somewhat clumsy, and certainly not pure.
The critique now is on another level with you, because of the advancements you've made. Effort pays off, no?
wild sweet
This poem has texture and character. Great use of the senses. I enjoyed it much, but also question word choice - mainly 'dexterity' in the first stanza. I feel it doesn't match up with the other words you've chosen, making it a bit heavy. Of course, this a minimalist-free form poet talking ;)
And then there is the.....
ENDING. Read it 3 times to digest and loved it more each time.
perfect poetry
I enjoyed your poem wild~ Your masterfully written poem is very intriguing. (~_*)
ohhhhh, yes
vey well constructed, love the story. Only thing I maybe question is the way the lines are spaced, I dont know how I would change it though. Very good work, WSO :)
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