All Comments on 'Friend at New School'

it sounded just a bit monotonous and could use a little creativity, but otherwise good content. ;)

To start out on a good note, your use punctuation and grammar is good. This story is so dry. Maybe the problem is due to your writing it in the third person. The story totally lacks emotion. Next time, consider writing something that excites you. Also, the story was too mechanical. I wondered for a second if these two characters were mindless, black and white stick people. Reading this story was more boring than watching grass grow. I look forward, very much, to your next submission. Keep writing -- You can only get better.

erm... It was a good try i guess... accually, no, it stunk. it didnt get me off at all. it was "unique" and "entertaining..." i'll give you that. I've never laughed so hard at a bad story! the "schoolgirls by the pool" theme is waaaay overused, but usually the stories are a little better.... this one was the worse one i've ever read. it really was too dry... it was kind of like "they both did this. they both did this. then they did this." it needs more emotion! (and also, there's no such thing as silk bikini's.... silk can't get wet or it get's ruined) i guess its the thought that counts, but you need to accually put MORE thought into it.... it seems as if you wrote it in 3 minutes. the girls met, one asked the other if she would "be her lover" and the other one responded with "ok." it was also too polite... i dont think that when someone (especially if they just met) says "im bisexual and you're beautiful" the other one says "thank you very much for telling me you are bisexual because so am i, and you're beautiful too" and FINALLY, when people meet for the first time, they dont imediately say "you look hot." at least, not anyone i know. and if i did know someone like that, i would think they were retarted. The story lacked structure, and i hate to be so bluntly rude, but honey, it sucked. Badly. Luckily though, it cant get any worse... (i would hope.... because if it got any worse, i think you would be kicked off this sight for writing bad stories that no one in their right minds would want to read.) but um... oh well, good try. just, not good enough.

it seems like it's written by a man whose first language is not english. maybe even a virgin. it's way too mechanical.

one girl looks like this

the other looks like this

one said this

other said me too

they kissed

the other kissed back

then they came and lived happily ever after.

unrealistic. uninteresting. where is the tension? the emotion?

no not real at all

Wow! That was a really bad story but nice try anyway.

Idea was okay. But you should read some more books before you write.

Your story was mechanical and boring. I would give it a limp dick award. Not because of content, but because you write like your trying to teach someone to build something.

They did this then thay did that. Ugh!

Here is a sample of how I would write it if I was so inclined,

Jodi totaly engrossed in Sarah's body continued to suck on her pink enlarged nipples. Turning extacy in total joy. Sarah let out a deep sigh as Jodi's tongue continued it's non stop tour of Sarah's body.

See the difference?

that sucked really bad

All the content was great - keep writing - but it was just waaaaaaay too structured. Sometimes it's ok for one girl to be wearing/thinking/doing something different than the other girl. It felt like a program where you just put in someone's name and the computer churns out the story. Also, when writing, it's ok to stray from

I said, "

He said, "

She said, "

They said, "

Spice it up a little. This was chicken noodle soup. Not something to throw away, but definately not something I'd want when something else is available. I gave a bonus point because the grammar was perfect, but the other responder is right - it really seems like your mastery of english is technically perfect, but needs more practice in real life.

To be honest, this story sounds like a 13 year old girl has wrote it when she's been bored and horny! You can't get silk bikini's and can you even turn a dildo on? Because i thought that was a vibrator? Sorry but that was boring!

I read one of your first stories and hoped you had managed to improve. No way! These are the WORST stories I've ever read.

that sucked so bad lol. i doubt that you are 18 or older. it sounds like some young kid trying to write a sex story.

Look, kid, maybe you should try taking up writing again when your balls drop. Virgins shouldn't write porn stories. It just doesn't work out. Then again, neither should dipshit eleven year old boys, so there's two strikes against you. She said, I said, he said, they said, it said.. It gets old.

im sure u r not a virgin n not a girl too...

..u better try after ur age is 18+ ... and write gay stories which will suit u

Shit didn't make

Me

Come once

I GUESS BALODEN FOR A FIFTEEN YR OLD WRITING HER FANTASY IT WAS VERY SEXY