Broken Dream

good start

for your first story, i enjoyed the read.

this was the dumbest couple in the world

why she let her coworker talk about her hubby the way they did.and he tell her to stop working there.weak plot and the marriage wasn't strong.

A Good Start in A Complex Theme

I could be wrong but it is difficult for a person to write in a language and of a country that isn't their own or wasn't their first.

In spite of those complexities, this writer concieved and delivered a story path involving deceit and manipulations blurred to the point of seeming excess but understandable in a first effort. Relax.

Writer - your talent, imagination and time spent are appreciated in the theme of marital consequence. We hope for more from you at interval - with special thanks and Regard

Good

Very good story, I would love to read about what happened next..... did they get back together

Very good story and writing

Your writing is very good and if this is your first attempt that makes it even more appreciated. I do wish that some of the writers would come up with more then the Husband always being a Navy Seal. How about a Golden Gloves guy or a just really pissed off husband who is a mean shit when it comes to fighting. I got my ass kicked once by an average Joe who was like 5’-5” and wiry. Who knew I was so cocky and got put down.
Very good story and writing. Looking forward to your next submission.
Regards

Pretty Good

Bullshit on the cheating wife, he tried everything possible to stop her........it was all her fault. Forgiving her and staying with her would be a life destroying mistake. Start over with a good woman, let her try and straighten herself out...........but I doubt a whore like that could.

Superb Story!

I really see no reason for a second part because it is obvious that they are going their own separate ways. Laura was not an innocent in this story (she was innocent of the criminal activities). She conspired to leave her husband in order to fuck her lover despite several actions on his part to prevent it.

Bottom Line: No one can stop someone from cheating. You can only hold them accountable so that they will be a better partner with the next person.

Excellent writing style which exposed realistic emotions and reactions. Thanks for writing this story.

SleeplessinMD

Very good first story.

Well crafted and interesting. Good character development.

The story started pretty clean, but as it went on there were more and more minor typos. You might want to take a look at the volunteer editor program.

His altruism in sacrificing his wife is not believable. It might have been too late to save their marriage anyway, but if he cared for her at all he would have tried. Or he could have cooperated with the authorities but told her the marriage was over if she went to Denver... If she went after that shock, well, hell with her.

I agree, the Seal thing has been way overdone. He had enough motivation, he didn't need to be a trained killer.

These things said, it was a really good first story and you show great promise of being a fine writer.

Good luck! DJ

Interesting

It was an enjoyable story that did have a few holes in it. It has always been a certainty to me that it is possible for anyone to stumble and end up cheating. Realizing that, I think I would have stopped her when the opportunity was presented. There was relief when he found that she hadn't cheated yet, and he even thwarted the evil whoremonger's plans a time or two. Then, he let his wife go ahead and have the sex, even while she was drugged. That was an abrupt about face in the man's character.

Yes, the Seal card has been played too much but hasn’t the electronic surveillance angle been overused too? Why does everybody have a friend that is a private eye except me? All this time when I thought I was just paranoid, was there really someone out there watching me?

After hearing the name Adaware, I knew I had heard it before and browsed wwwDOTadawareDOTcom. It links to lavasoft. I own one of their programs, called Ad Aware. Better be careful about naming companies. You don’t want to be disrespecting real companies…unless it is Pepsico.

In addition, to Peggytwitty:

Shut up before I have to kick your ass again.

Average Joe

5’-5” and wiry

Up until you left it open to reconcilliation,

this was a pretty good story. There is no way they could get back together in real life. She completely betrayed him. It didn't matter what the people in her company did, the wife charged in without a care in the world.
If you do a follow-up, let it be about the husband finding someone who really loves him and let the ex-wife continue her own life.

Well Done

Very well done!! Your story was emotional and interesting. Looking forward to more of your work.

Good Story

I add my admiration for your first story to the many others who have commented. I am sure you will get better with each new story you write. Thank you for a very good read.

I believe she had been unfaithful to her husband in that her intent was quite plain. She said to Chaz, "you said you loved me." That means she was responding to those feelings. I do believe some reconciliation could have happened had Jim not allowed the Denver trip, but I didn't write the story so I have to live with what bezelcrix decided.

With that being said, given the result of Denver, there is really no way I see that they would be able to reconcile.

One final thought. I don't believe the authorities would have allowed him to beat Chaz. In my mind that opens the door for him to beat the rap. Oh well.

Thanks for your great efforts. I look forward to your next.

Charleybear

Good Story

Well writens story. I hope to see many more from you posted soon.

Good

Good first story. The previous commentator had some valid points. I would suggest you find and use a good editor.

Boyd

Excellent First Story

I enjoyed the story. I wonder if there's a reconciliation sequel in the works. In any casde, I look forward to more from you after this auspicious beginning

Where in Red Bluff?

Hey, I live in Redding about a half hour from Red Bluff. Send me Laura's phone number.

Good start

Although I agree with others that the plot is a bit of "been there done that", there's only so many ways a stupid wife can get into trouble - it's fiction after all and I enjoyed the story. I would like to see a sequel, but you DO need an editor.

Compelling

Your story kept my interest. Therefore you honored the first rule of storytelling.
Thankyou

real good first story

Very enjoyable. Hope you write more.

husband no scum bag more like it

What an arsehole for a husband, jim is nothing short of a scum bag he new she was in trouble from the first time he meet chaz but he let her become seduced by chaz ,then he has the gaul to beat the crap out of him when it was to late to save laura then he crys crocodile tears over her i hope laura finds a man who really loves her

Anon in UK...

Hey Anon in UK you're a moron. He did just about all he could with out driving her further into Chaz's arms. He if had told her what he know she would have said that he didn't trust her and other crap like that. He had to trust her to do the right thing for it's own sake. If he had stopped it by other means what would have happened when the next Chaz came around? Hmmm? Ever think of that? No I didn't think so.

kind of sad and unfinished

A bit unrealistic, no law agency would permit his wife to be set up and convicted, especially with the husband involved just because they wanted criminal proof. I can't buy that. And I can't buy either that a husband that loves his wife would let her fall this low either. Maybe he would divorce her, but to watch and wait passively, just letting her fall into the clutches of these crimials...I don't know, it made him less of a man in my eyes, he could have saved her, but he didn't.

Rough around the edges

Good story but a little rough around the edges with the typos and all that. Anon in uk I don't understand your view to be honest, I am of the belief that we must all make our own decisions and that the husband had to let her make hers. It's the way it has to be in this world.

Someone wrote of a reconciliation story. Who in

their right mind would take such a whore back into their life. No not slut, sluts do it for free, she did it for and with regard to work, that means money, and by definition this is a whore/prostitute. If you dont marry a woman with an IQ of less than 70 you have a much better chance of them thinking with their brains instead of their hormones and need to fuck. No woman cheats of accident or because, they do it on purpose. Yeah drugs may be used, alcohol may be used, but the woman has to place herself in the position to be used first. She was going out with her "friends" from work, she consented to live a life separate from her husband. It wasnt an accident she set herself up and and was a willing partner in her own seduction and abuse. Trash is trash, always throw out the trash.

poor laura

poor laura had to get married and move to the city and in her first job becomes the company slut most people think he should forgive her ,why all she had to say was i'm married leave me alone i love my husband, it was as simple as that, she didn't and he divorced her whose right him or her ileave to you idiots to answer that.

poor laura

poor laura had to get married and move to the city and in her first job becomes the company slut most people think he should forgive her ,why all she had to say was i'm married leave me alone i love my husband, it was as simple as that, she didn't and he divorced her whose right him or her ileave to you idiots to answer that.

poor laura

poor laura had to get married and move to the city and in her first job becomes the company slut most people think he should forgive her ,why all she had to say was i'm married leave me alone i love my husband, it was as simple as that, she didn't and he divorced her whose right him or her ileave to you idiots to answer that.

poor laura

poor laura had to get married and move to the city and in her first job becomes the company slut most people think he should forgive her ,why all she had to say was i'm married leave me alone i love my husband, it was as simple as that, she didn't and he divorced her whose right him or her ileave to you idiots to answer that.

5***** story! One of the best! Original and Creative!

After the divorce Laura will have very low self-esteem for about a year. During that time she be a slut that fucks anything in pants. That is what divorced women do. Then she will settle down and find some other sucker to marry her. When she does, she will have better judgment. Most likely she will fuck other men on occasions, but she will careful.

YOU CAN TAKE THE CUNTRY OUT OF THE GIRL

SOME people should never leave home, they are DNAed for life to a small community. TK U MLJ LV NV

Find an editor

Your story was well crafted in the plot. I had to stop reading it halfway through for work and I couldn't wait to finish it.

That said: GET A FUCKING EDITOR! Quotation marks aren't just accents you throw randomly into paragraphs. Commas are actually useful. Names are not randomly capitalized. Some of your sentences made no sense.

It isn't the writing, it's the rewriting! If you haven't read the story about 5 times (3 if you are VERY good) then you haven't come close to finishing a story.

I mean it. I liked it (though I'm amazed at how many married dudes keep their super ninja powers secret from their wives). But you need to learn more then how to create an engaging plot. You need to put it into a readable format.

I don't get nit picky about an occasional error. I DO write if someone makes an error consistantly. If you want an example of an author who has incredibly improved, try Slirpuff. He found an editor and it tripled the readability of his writing. Other very good authors make consistant mistakes (who shall remain nameless) but otherwise have very well crafted stories.

It is a journey.

Lot of crap

The characters were all quite dumb, there were a lot of inconsistency in the setup and timing - and the story was not realistic. Not worth the reading time. Which story did DWornock read? Not this one, I think.

HEY BCX

how about a sequel to this or an epilog. TK U MLJ LV NV

Wandered quite a bit, didn't it?

I've got to agree with those who pointed out that your story seemed to be more than a little disjointed, wandering in all sorts of directions as it progressed. However, what really left me feeling disappointed in your story was the ending you crafted - specifically, the last sentence.

You just left me (and every other reader) hanging there, waiting for some sort of follow-up to what obviously was a half-expressed thought.

Please, keep on contributing; you've got a lot of potential and that's a gift which should be developed. However, I'd highly recommend using the Editor service which Literotica offers - it's free of charge, and the generous folks who offer ther services as editors will certainly help you to not only polish your work but also give you insights and instruction which can help you grow as an author.

Decent story, horrible ending

Jim makes a very clear and correct point. The other woman stood by her husband and quit. Laura wanted to hook up with Chaz and betrayed Jim to do it. She worked up to it and had abandoned her marriage before drugs were used on her. The drugs just made her more responsive. She was already willing.

So the ending points about Jim's guilt are bull shit. Laura was an arrogant woman who left her husband. She is an adult. Jim had no rights to stop her. What is he supposed to do? Tie her up to keep her from going? Jim talked to her and explained his concerns and she dismissed him as being jealous. In the meantime she has already been kissing Chaz. It's not jealousy if cheating is actually going on. No husband has real recourse if a wife decides to be unfaithful. All you can do is leave.

As to the excuse that the company were manipulators, of course they were. So are a lot of guys in bars. Laura is responsible to respect her husband and her marriage. Just because people tempt her doesn't get her off the hook. She had the responsibility to resist temptation. She didn't.

And she thinks they are still going to have children together? LOL! What a dope.

another Fag story

what is it on this site, all the men are self blaming pussies. It the end he blames himself for his wife being a whore........WTF

So-So

Not as good as this author's other offering but it could have had potential but he ruined it in the end.

as much as I hate to say it I agree with anon

they both worked, she cheated and some how you have the husband talking blame for it. It's like the movie, "Unfaithful" with Richard Geer and Diana Lane. She fucking had everything, a great home, a cool kid and a husband that gave her everything and some how that wasn't enough. If that's the case when will anything ever be enough.

I agree with jasonnh

The husband should have no guilt. Laura is a big girl and she has to own up to her descions. I believe that even if Jim had told her everything he knewm she would have become mad and accused him of invading her privacy. That's how twisted up Laura's mind was, about what was happening around her. Thank you, for an interesting plot.

Wrong Ending

Jim didn't need to feel guilty about anything. In fact, the fact that he made a few discreet attempts to short circuit her pending dalliance, he really needed to grow up and realize/accept that his wife was thrilled and excited about the world she was being exposed to AND...she was growing in lust with Chaz to the point of being arrogant, demeaning, disrespectful and haughty with the man she married.

She already knew, even subconsciously, that she was going to get laid, even locally and for sure on the trip. She had no qualms about playing, in fact - she was anxious to get started.

So, too bad, they didn't have a marriage...too bad because he really worshipped the ground she walked on. Her, cheating and being courted was exciting and she was definitely in for the ride.

Thanks. Just didn;t feel the ending suggesting he had some guilt...NO WAY!

So unfinished

Feel like it stopped short of some knd of closure.

Not quite

I agree with anon - so unfnished. The ending does not feel right for the story line.
The middle (playing watcher) or the end needs to change. They don't blend as is.

Steven Segal?

Up until then there was some believability, but it tubed at that point. Misspelling his name didn't help either.

Husband sold wife out

Husband should have stopped all of this at the restaurant when he caught wife alone, drunk, and making out with the coworker, all of which a married woman should not be doing and in my opinion is cheatimg. Husband had ample opportunities to stop his wife, at the restaurant when he realizes wife is drunk, or after predator coworker kisses her, or at lunch or before she goes on trip. Husband says he loves wife, but each time, doesn't confront her. He is more interestrd in spying on her to see what she will do than fighting for his wife. He even goes along with her to be used as a whore by the FBI. What kind of husbsnd sits idly by watching his wife being drugged and raped and made a whore.

if you have to stop your wife from being a slut she is already lost.

No help?

You barely tried to help your wife. Someone you were supposed to love and care for. She was making a mistake, a big one at that, but you could have and should have stopped her. And yet you didn't. Makes you a wimp in my view Mr. Big Tough Navy Seal. I thought you were supposed to have your friends backs? And you couldn't have your most important friends back? Your wife's back? BAH!

fuck the help shit asshole anon. when you get married the god damn game is over. you cant keep your partner chained up. they make their own decisions. hubby was all over her to get her to understand but she would have nothing to do with it, so she fucked and sucked like any other married cunt slut whore and lost it all. hubby did nothing worng, he tried but he is not her jailer, now someone else is.

why so much bother

Its only a slut, not a real human at all

To all the RAAC CUCKS that think Hubby should have done something to "save her".

She made her fuckin' choice WHEN SHE TOOK THE FUCKIN' TRIP!

Now, grow some self-respect along with a set of balls and a brain.

Hubby did the right thing.


5 Big Stars!

ID, did you feed Tina yet?

Oh, and don't forget to "Vote for Pedro."