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What was your point?
Sorry, but I just don't get it.
The story was fairly well written on a nuts and bolts level, but was completely devoid of charecter developement. I might as well have read a police report of this type of incident for all the emotion this story portrayed, or evoked.
Tell me...
What is a "canceled" weapon?
I think this ending would happen a lot more
than the husband stands there and gets a hard-on watching his wife betray him. The story was a little short on development, but did portray what could happen in this circumstance.
and so?
Not much here really. Perhaps you would consider re-writing this as a setup for a much longer piece in which the characters are fleshed out and the relationship between wife, Army buddy and homocidal hubby are explored. Also, if his weopon had really been canceled, there would have been no deaths, although having a gun barrel shoved up one's ass would undoubtably hurt, a lot, even if it were incapable of firing a round.
canceled weapon
Give the guy a break. Since he was writing about the charecter having a license to carry a weapon in a shoulder holster, do you think he might have meant CONCEALED, instead of canceled?
this is horrifyingly good!
there's no way to describe this short, dark, tongue firmly in cheek story: it is horrifyingly well told, with a some sense of believable naivete (e.g., I will sell my business if I don't go to prison and move; I htought we had a good marriage, but apparently she didn't think so; and said it without false anger or indignation!!)
the rendedition of the shooting makes him coldly anylitical like Ted Kycynsky, the "Unibomber",,,, I shoved the gun up his ass and pulled the trigger a couple times, he calmly tells the detective,,, What about your wife,,, if you only shot her lover, why's she also dead? I don't know, the husband calmly answers; but I must have wiggled the gun somewhat!
Should have been allowed in Loving Wives category
I wasn’t going to comment but your writing is good and it’s the characters emotionless dialogue that bothers me. If it is the way you wanted to come across because of the scenario, it is still bereft of emotion for the wife as in hate or lost love. If it is to show the husband in shock that belies his cold calculated look at his future life in later days.
The story line is fine and belongs in Loving Wives category. It is not that damn horrific compared to other out comes of more developed stories. More character background and emotions will be necessary for really enjoyable entertainment.
Please keep writing you have definite talent.
With regards
An Interesting Reaction Post Rectal Exam.
As droll as it was in my mind I can see shock and loss could cause a flatline monotone and likeable reaction as portrayed here.
Nice work Author - I look forward to more from you in this theme of marital consequence. The other side of watching and it seemed one of several or likely possible reactions more true to life. A recent study noted on tv said 11% of all homicides were maritally driven.
Thanks Author - With high Regard
Interesting
I'd say it fits the Loving Wifes category. Most definitely short and dark. I think I would have liked a little more.
Did he get leniency of any kind? There was a day when he wouldn't even have been arrested.
I am quite sure I would have done the same; except shove it up the guys ass as I like my weapons. How the hell would you clean that without having to re-blue it?
As already noted, maybe a little filling out of the characters and their relationships more.
Will read the next one!!
I thought it was well written
I can see where you were going with the seemingly monotone dialogue of a man who has just had his world turned upside down in a matter of minutes. I thought you had a good tone set for this particular story. One small criticism, if I may; I think it would have been a little more realistic if the lieutenant hadn't been as pushy during the initial interview out on the porch. Police detectives in real life are not usually very pushy when a person is admitting to a homicide. They will let you ramble on for quite awhile about the events of the day before they gently guide the conversation into the direction of the actual murder. Especially if the guy is explaining what he was doing in the few hours before the incident happened. Not only that, explaining why he had a weapon on him in the first place is a pretty pertinent piece of information. The LT wouldn't be quick to rush him through the explanation of the murder weapon. Again, I thought it was a great story, well written, and I hope you have at least a part 2. It's nice to see the "cuckold" not be such a wimp in one of these stories.
wow!
speechless.....
Justifiable Homicide
Depending on which state the narrator of the story lives in, he might get off scott free. Some states have laws on the books that protect cuckolded husbands in these situations. Also, the shock would bring about the monotone of the narrative, and probably his military training as well. Just my observations on the story itself. Great job, Author. 5/5 from me. :)
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