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Interesting premise - could use more development
This is a neat idea, but the build to the climax is fast and it's hard to imagine the king changing teams that quickly or the "girl" not knowing anything. I'd kinda like to see more of these two before the sex. It'd make it more believable.
I agree with the previous comment
I know that authors like feedback, good or bad. When I say this, I'm not trying to shoot you down in flames. I enjoyed your story... It's a good idea and your writing style is very descriptive and readable. I would like to hear more, an extended version if possible. The King decided very quickly it was alright to be with Jezmen; I found that sort of believable in that many older cultures, such as the Greek/Roman/Macedonian viewed homosexuality as an acceptable practise, perhaps something like that could be noted. Some development on the boy's character is also needed - surely she/he must have noticed something was amiss when he saw the King's penis or the servants who dressed her/him may have mocked or tittered. Perhaps more information about her upbringing or innocence. All in all, I like your writing style and am looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work :-)
I agree with the previous comment
If I've posted this twice, I'm sorry... I know author's like feedback, good or bad, so I'll tell you what I think. I'm not trying to shoot you down in flames when I write this. I like your writing style; it's very descriptive and readable and I'd love to hear more, perhaps even an extended version of this story. So now the other stuff... The King's sudden change to homosexuality is believable if you take into account that many of the ancient cultures such as Greek/Roman/Macedonian accepted homosexuality as an ok masculine practice. But I'd like to see more development of Jezmen's character, perhaps more description of her/his confusion at discovering that the King also has a penis, perhaps the servants that dressed him for his meeting with the King mocked his 'secret' or some more description of his innocence and family life... All in all it's good writing and I'm looking forward to reading more when you submit it. Keep up the good work :-)
What a pity!
You've got an interesting theme but you haven't had it well developed. Should handle the subtlety and nuance the protagonist felt toward his strange discovery more delicately.
I Didn't See It Coming
I agree with Anonymous about the King suddenly changing his mind. I don't think that a brute king would do so on the drop of a dime, but it didn't stop me from enjoying it just the same.
I loved your story and I thought it was sweet and tender. I'm a sucker for stories of kings and commonfolk, and I hope you write more. I also hope to read more from you in the future!
Author Response
Thank you to everyone that has posted feedback about this story. All comments are definitely welcome, and will be taken into consideration in the creation of the 2nd part of this story (which will contain a more in depth look into the two main characters). I am hoping to have the 2nd part completed later this month.
Thank you all again!
love
i love it i hope you cuntinue on pleas owsum story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
good
i like it
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