by kspor
You really need to have someone fix your quotation marks. The errors are so glaring it makes the story harder to read. Other than that, the content isn't bad. A bit melodramatic/cheesed up, but not bad.
I enjoyed your story and I think it has a lot of potential. I agree with the comment that you could use an editor. Also, I wanted to point out some factual errors in the story that took away some of its effect for me.
First, a jaguar is an animal from South and Central America. No one who had dealings with the Sumerians would've know what a jaguar was.
Second, a rapier is a thin sword used in the 16th and 17th centuries. Not only is the time frame wrong, but it is not the type of sword used to take off one's head.