All Comments on 'How to Appreciate a Man'

by Selena_Kitt

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writingdragonwritingdragonalmost 18 years ago
Thanks SK

After thirty-two years of our work in progress, its nice to see when someone else gets it too. We are all a bit selfish, and as you so aptly decribe it takes a lot to focus on the spouse when things aren't just perfect.

You are also correct on how our society views and portrays the dad. When truthfully how different and important his role in his mates and their kids lives really is.

They are a team his mate and he each provide so much to the kids and each other. Taking them for granted either of them is just so wrong.

Thanks for sharing and the pat on the back.

Your hubby is a lucky man who lives and loves with a lucky woman.

Writingdragon

hordehordealmost 18 years ago
One of the best How To's so far

Selena - you are 100% correct throughout your entire post. I couldn't have written it better myself, and I'm a guy. Now, if only the other 99% of females would just figure this out...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
You are really good

Selena:

My wife had it right 'cause she put into practise all you've written here and as a mere male it was a great life. The one thing that used to set her to grinding her teeth was the way her co-workers would bad mouth their husbands. As soon as it started she'd get up and leave. Funny part over the years, the bad mouthers all found themselves on the wrong end of a set of divorce papers as soon as the youngest turned 18 and was out of the house. Their usual excuse was that he must have found some tight bodied younger chippy. They didn't have a clue. Thank You. Ronnie W.

KOLKOREKOLKOREalmost 18 years ago
Hey, I like to be pleasured too...

I liked your ‘mutual appreciation society’ approach. In fact my wife and my self practice it daily as we try to change and be creative about it. My caveat is that men and women are BOTH similar and different. A better approach would be to work on nurturing the relationships from both ends. If I find that my wife and I are politically akin or share very similar spiritual beliefs, we don’t operate as if we are acting from two end of a gender divide. If on the other hand our preferences in exercising or in food are different, we shall find all the opportunities to respect and appreciate the differences REGARDLESS of their speculated origin- i.e. does my wife prefer walking to machines at the Gym because she is a woman or because she is HER? Who cares? What I am suggesting here is, to take the basic model of respect and appreciation, and utilize it across all the spectrum of the relations.

My second comment is that although you touched on it briefly, at least this man likes to receive pleasure just as much as he likes to give. This man believes that men’s bodies just like women are also built for pleasure, and the best way to appreciate men (or women) is not to draw arcane gender distinctions here. Let’s have each partner in the relationship work as hard (yet this is a fun work..) on pleasuring the other… I, for one, don’t wish to go back to the 50’s…

MayhemLassMayhemLassalmost 18 years ago
there is something that tweaks me the wrong way i

Kolkore has some good points - the essay to me sounds suspiciously like the "good wives" booklet that made the rounds a few years ago - a high school text from the 50s wherein women were told to always wear makeup, always be grateful, have a clean house ... yadda yadda yadda.

Bullshit.

You're damn right if my guy rinses the dishes but DOESN'T put them in the dishwasher I'm going to bitch! I actually find it demeaning not just to the woman but to the man to suggest that doing a half assed job is accepted becuase ... why? he's male?

I work fulltime and bring in pretty well the same money he does - I paint (just finished the living room and dining room) fix screens, helped do the roof, get my KIDS to carry in the groceries ... I don' t need a man to do those things - I need a man to be a lover, a companion, a friend.

I give him credit for having enough maturity to accept that doing a crappy job and calling it that is just fine - I also give him credit for what he does do - just like I expect him to give me credit for what I do.

And no, I don't hate men - we're all human and anymore than colour, culture or anything else, I try not to make generalizations about half the human race....

cageyteecageyteealmost 18 years ago
Where have you been all my life ???????

Although your bio doesn't actually show it, I suspect you weren't born for most of it!

Oh well. I can dream! I can read too and I very much enjoyed your work today. Thanks for sharing.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
What’s all this rubbish...

About the man just rinsing the dishes?

Look, it may not happen very often; however, when duty calls, I WASH the dishes (not rinse). If there are pots and pans I give them an extra scrub (using my manly powers) AND tighten those loose handles. Then there’s the worktops, oven, and sink to wipe down. All these tasks done lovingly (but sparingly) over 45 years of marriage.

My dear wife is recovering from an operation at this moment, so doing house chores is a daily event. Can’t say I'm over enthused, although, I’ve been very tempted to write an ‘how to’ on “how to appreciate the erotica of ironing.”

Like your entry and wish you well.

My best wishes

NiceGuysDontGetLaidNiceGuysDontGetLaidalmost 18 years ago
Equality sucks, for both men and woman.

This struck suck a deep cord with in me.

I have just walked away from a nine and a half year relationship because there was none of the above.

Oh we brought each other great pleasure in bed and in fact that was the only reason the relationship lasted as long as it did. I belive in being a 'Gentleman' I open doors, carry bags, wash plates, hold chairs in restaurants and help with coats etc.

I do not belive that woman are inferior in any way. So I can carry more than her, hey I am 6 foot tall and 200 pounds and she in 4 foot 5 inches and 90 pounds. What do you expect?

But when all you hear is "You don't have to do that" or "I can do that myself" when ever I did something gentlemanly I eventually give up. There comes a point where you realise that no amount of love and attention is going make her see that you do these things out of love and respect, not some superiority complex. I want the woman in my life to feel special, and I need to know that these efforts are appreciated, or they are wasted.

Like any system that is badly out of balance the relationship broke down. I am going to send a link to this article to her anonymously in the hope it helps her with her next relationship. And a copy on my hard drive for the next person in my life to read VERY EARLY ON.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Grateful a Man is a Man...

This is a wonderfil how-to! I love men, too! I do wish I had known these simple truths a long, long time ago. It's that old idea that we show more gratitude and kindness to people we barely know than we share with those we love the most. Live and Learn. You expressed your wisdom in a beautiful way!

sophia janesophia janealmost 18 years ago
~

Great work, Selena. Most of your tips seem like commonsense, but it's amazing how many relationships lack the basics of appreciation.

ljaljaalmost 18 years ago
I love you !!!!!

Your really nice Selena... I mean really appreciating us men... I appreciate you Ladies also... But not like you do the men... I mean Im a guy... you know we like sex more than women... I do Love Ladies but when I see certain ones ... You know what Im thinking... what would it be like if she .... WEll you know... Us men have to much lust in us... But right now Im thinking of you... I havent read your profile yet... that is if you have one... I havent checked yet,,, But I wish all women was like you... I wish I could find one like you... Hell there is a nice looking woman across the street from me... And she might even be you... I doubt it thou... :-( Your an Angel anyway... ty for the story... Larry

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
I've been on both sides of this fence!

I nearly blew a thirty year marriage because I never received any of this sincereity. Another woman walked into my life and I swear this article was about her. To be appreciated for the little things and to here a thank you without the but did wonderous things for me.

I.m back in my marriage and will show this to the wife. After all we must learn to communicate. Gjreat job thank you.

Aurora BlackAurora Blackalmost 18 years ago
Illuminating

Lovely work, Selena. Nearly six years into my work-in-progress (not quite a marriage, but close enough), I recently "saw the light" and realized that I had stopped letting him know how much I appreciated him and his daily efforts. I immediately remedied that oversight and surprise surprise, our bond (which had diminished to the point where I intended to leave) intensified and we fell in love all over again.

This How To reads like a much needed wake-up call, a shock to the system that commands attention and respect. Women need to be aware that most of the time, it's up to them to change their (non-abusive) relationships around until it's more to their liking. When your men notice the inner changes that you've made (gained self-confidence, but also your attitude towards THEM), 9 times out of 10 they will respond in a positive way and they will move mountains for you.

impressiveimpressivealmost 18 years ago
BUT ...

... this is also true in any relationship. Everyone appreciates being appreciated! Nice work, Selena! ~ Imp

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Magnificent

I have a fifteen year old sister who has just started dating and I've been trying to give her advice on how to keep the relationship she's in a good one. I think I'll just have her read this little how to because you put it perfectly Selena.

Well done,

duddle146duddle146almost 18 years ago
Is this Relationship 101?

Hi Selena,

What it took most of us a lifetime to learn, you have revealed in this little How To. Could you, dear Selena, be wise beyond your years? Whatever. The World is a better place because of your article.

duddle

peggytwittypeggytwittyalmost 18 years ago
A read we all need to remember what is important

I know the biggest thing that can keep any kind of relationship afloat and growing is communication and you have stressed that in just about all your thoughtful points.

The saying I love you can become just a word when it is used constantly through out the day as when one leaves to go to the store or across the street. The words are important but must have a physical action tied to those words. Selena used a fantastic example of putting the hands on the chest make eye contact and saying the words with feelings. To go out the door and say I love you requires at least the stopping, turning and real eye contact to mean it was a true feeling. This was a fond feeling expressed with the physical action and requires a similar response from the other to also looking up from what they are doing and returning the eye contact and at least a facial expression of mutual feelings. Physical responses must accompany words to carry weight.

All couples must find a way of making their overtures to the spouse special in that it is something they only show to the other and not something they would ever share with intensity with anyone else, or it is not a bond of a special expression or sensation.

Each person has a personality that is different and require different stimulus to be happy. What you have written are things that encompass most people regardless of personality.

This might be a little controversial, but for some people letting their spouse know how they feel and what pleases them goes against their own inner control of what they show. This is one of the hardest things for some to do, as to trust that whatever they say will be accepted and not met with indifference or even rebuke. It’s not necessarily a lack of love or trust it’s just a large step they need assurance and patience to let them selves free to share. Years of understanding and assurances can bring them to a new level of love and trust.

Wanting to giving all you have to make your spouse happy while feeling that doing it is better then receiving it from them, is something many partners can’t accept, yet they feel the same in return for the other spouse. You covered it so very well in saying we have to learn to accept it, say thank you and not feel guilty.

To make someone you love smile has got to be the ultimate in bring feelings together and even if it is just for a moment, the two experience lighthearted feelings and an instant of calming between them. I’m proud that in my 40 years with my wife I have fond memories of always making her laugh, normally by doing something self-effacing, which always gave me that tilted head, eye sparkle and smirk that said you dummy I love you.

I know I’m a bit biased towards your writing and thought provoking style, but this is just great to see you reinforce some things that not all people understand or have given much thought to.

As always fantastic writing and very worthwhile subject, and I would go as far as to say educational awareness.

With the greatest of respect

PT

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 18 years ago
MayhemLass You're wrong -- shades of Dr Llaura

Mayhme Lass your are so wrong I am surpriaed you are not divorced... and as much as I hate to admit it Dr laura book THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS is pretty much on point

You said

"You're damn right if my guy rinses the dishes but DOESN'T put them in the dishwasher I'm going to bitch! I actually find it demeaning not just to the woman but to the man to suggest that doing a half assed job is accepted becuase ... why? he's male?"

wrong stupid.... Look it is ok to react and give him (or her ) a rash of shit for a screw up... but if that is ALL you are doing... that is NOT ok....

and PLEASE lest not go with old song of silly career woman "oh men are just afraid of woman who make more $$ than me..." bullshit.

My wife who as a Master from NYU has over the past 12 years had made more than I have-- with the last two years being the first time I have made more than her.

Your fabulous career I am sure is great. Saying a kind word to hubby really should not cause YOU to react by asserting waving your glorious career...

You really are missing the overall point.

Let me ask you this ---what is ROMANTIC from a MAN's point of view? from a woman point of view that is easy to answer... we all have the same GENERAL idea.

But when you ask ANYONE what is romantic from a MAN's point of view.... I bet you cannot answer the question... or at least you will have to stop and REALLY think long and hard about that.

some woman have even said that men dont have romantic feelings and ideas like they do.!!!

The writer here is correct. Men need to feel needed. Most men are not nearly as emotionally developed as woman are...

the need / desire by a hubby / man to feel needed by their woman/ wife in this pro woman pro estrogen all men are sex fiends or perverts society is very strong.

It is why 70% of the time when woman have affairs the marriage fails but only 30% of the time when men have affairs marriages end.

drksideofthemoondrksideofthemoonalmost 18 years ago
Thought Provoking...

I enjoyed reading your "How-To", and as with all of your work, it is impeccably written and interesting. You raise a lot of good points in your piece. I could see myself in places in it, and it made me smile.

Good luck...

Papabear49Papabear49almost 18 years ago
Harry when are you gonna realize

The rest of us could care less for your vemonous nasty opinions or your self serving diatribe.

Instead of saying I disagree then go on to give your thoughts. You seem to have to lash out make each attack personal instead of dealing with the issues at hand attacking any and all aound you for whatever reason. You draw attention to yourself and your self deluding wonderful feelings. Instead of giving your opinions with a semblance of rational adult human thought.

I've been counseling couples over 30 years Harry people in failing impossible relationships. I like Dr. Laura for what she doesn't enspouse, "the men are always at fault, or the men are dummies syndrome."

But men and women both like to hear "hey thanks and I appreciate you," from any the people who are important to us. But especialy from one's spouse. You were right on to quote the writer you were rebuffing "Most men are not nearly as emotionally developed as woman are..." Guess what we are a self-centered and and in many cases unthinking lot too. But thankfully there are Women who can help take the edges off who will give and try and hopefully learn to help us become just a tad bit more civilized.

Men in general aren't as emotional, women are, men have other strong points and the writer of this article was trying to in my opinion to motivate women who have been feeling a bit empty or underappreciated to give hubby some good feelings. This is a time proven way to get hubby or wife to respond back to the other spouse especially if one is feeling ignored and wants to rekindle the fires between them.

I am not sure if where you are getting the percentages for the wife and hubby in affairs. In the practices here about women who don't totally give over their emtions to the new partner (and only about 20% do) are much more likely to try and recover the marriage. The 20% who do make a complete transfer of emotions have a high rate of failure.

However Harry the reasons men can play the game and come home is the women falls much deeper in love than the man and wants to try to salvage the relationship much more often.

The basic facts are simple women are much more willing to forgive, and try again. That alone is why the figures seem one sided, in truth they are not.

The man is the anger point who is not willing to forgive, to say ok is there anythng left. When a guy is able to get past his pain and yes his ego and try to forgive he is often surprised at his own healing.

I for one liked the efforts outlined by the author, and want to say thank you for giving both the guys and gals something to think about and some ideas to use in daily interaction.

Harry please the next time you feel the need to pour out the venom could I (we) ask you to take your silliness down the hallway and find somebody who cares.

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXalmost 18 years ago
All in all, a great essay!

It is really a good point. I truly believe that both sexes want appreciation and to enjoy the sight of the other's pleasure. I'm glad that you presented what it is like for us men, and demonstrated a great deal of empathy for our situation. It's like you asked yourself what would you like from a man? And then applied that idea to the way that you treat men. A good application of the Golden Rule, really.

Naturally, I'll mention this one.

SadieRoseSadieRosealmost 18 years ago
Spot on!

You're right on there, Selena Sweetheart. I found myself nodding at every statement. Well written, well expressed and I understand it from the other side as well, having had relationships with women where I was the domme. Giving pleasure was so much more gratifying than some wham bam experience.

(Not that getting it back isn't nice as well *grin*)

Cheers for that. I'm gonna recommend it to everyone having relationship problems.

xxx. Sadie

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
So True

Selena should be the president's first-ever Female Education Czar.

There are way too many psychopathically conceited and alienated females in the world, who would rather spend their lives alone and bitchy in a warm coccoon of "splendid isolation", than sacrifice that illusion to simply be decent and close to a male.

It's almost like they have this narcissistic need to prove their superiority at all costs to themselves. Kelly Clarkson's song "Miss Independent" said it best, I think.

MunachiMunachialmost 18 years ago
hm...

I had to think quite a while on what to say... There are a lot of good points in this, and it is well written, but I must admit something bothers me.

I have, in general, a problem with statements that start with "men are..." and "women are...". Appreciation is important, of course, but for everyone, for women as much as for men. And I won't appreciate my partner mainly because he is a man, but because he is him. Because I need him not because he is a man, but because he is the person I love, one specific person I need.

Your text, to me, somewhat implies that it is typical for women not to appreciate men, and not the other way around - something that I don't agree with, this behaviour seems to be equally common on both sides.

I do like your writing a lot, and as I said, there are a lot of good and true points about this text as well, but somehow I just can't get myself to agree completely with it...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Right on!

The best way she can show me her appreciation is by expressing her pleasure. That's not only right on, it's exactly right. I think a lot of the posters here who have objected have missed that. It's really very, very simple. Feel and experience your own pleasure, revel, as you say, in it. Then your man will feel appreciated. It's brilliant. You sound like a woman who knows how to deeply receive. It is a rare thing. Sad. I'm glad you know it, Selena.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
A manifesto

I'm gonna print this out and ask my wife to read it. Seems so obvious, but damnation, it's true (at least in my case) I feel best when I am able to make my wife happy and when she acknowledges it, I feel like a king. Sad but true, "thank you's" go a long, long way.

WickedDrXWickedDrXalmost 18 years ago
My god, a woman who understands!

Now if only I could get my wife to read this piece.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Great post

This is so true. It was as if you were in my head pulling all of my thoughts out. I would show this to my wife if I thought she'd care. Both men and women could learn a lot from this. It is important to reciprocate whatever good gestures your mate makes.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Fantastic

I'm going to hang on to this and read it often. It's so easy to take people, especially the ones closest to us for granted.

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 18 years ago
You are right PapaBear

Papa Bear

Yes you are right.... sometimes I do go over the top and I PROMISE to use more restraint in the future.

That being said we seem to agree on a lot.

what set me off about what MayhemLass said -- and did you see her Picture? wow....!! is that she thought selena was preaching some sort of "Leave it to Beaver" 1950 WASP neo conservative viewpoont that IF you treat you hubby with kindness somehow -- according to mayhemlass -- that you automatially place the woman/ wives in a inferior position.

Look at what mayhamlass posted... she came up with several satements about her Income her independence and took the positon that saying a kind word to her man / hubby is somehow demeaning...

since I have 2 high powered woman attorneys in my family and a wife that is better educated than I.... it has been MY experience that when someone overeacts to what is common sense insight there is some else at work

salena entire appeal is to the BETTER side of woman in general ... her postiton glorifies the kindess and loving nature of most women and asks them to use the emotional superiority to keep the relationship close and loving.

what is wrong or contentious about this statement salena made

"You might not believe me, but I've found that it's generally true. Men want to experience a woman experiencing pleasure. It is the most tantalizing thing in the world for the masculine. That doesn't necessarily mean in bed, although there, too, of course, but it can be as simple as laughing at his jokes, smiling at him when he does something goofy, or saying "Mmm!" when he brings you chocolate.

or this one

What you need to remember is that a woman's enjoyment is the secret ingredient. He wants to see that everything he does, everything he works for, everything he offers, is appreciated by his woman, whether that's watching her face when she opens the gift, or seeing her eyes light up when he gives her flowers, or watching her toes curl when she cums.

OroroStormOroroStormalmost 18 years ago
Doesn't read like a how to.

It's more of a lecture to women on why we should apreciate men for their masculinity. I'm sorry but when I turn of my television and see news programs about men using the internet to pray on children, abusing their families, or listen to friends/family talk about being raped by their fathers, uncles, brothers it just confirms what I already knew. Men are selfish beasts who are slaves to their sexual desires and lack moral direction. From the moment they achieve an erection they spend the rest of their lives in pursuit of their own pleasure.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Finally

I'm glad to see that a woman finally realizes and speaks about what really makes us go. It makes me happy inside. Really.

Sandman1Sandman1almost 18 years ago
Darlin' if you wern't married

I'd ask you to marry me.

Wonderfully done!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Appreciating other people

Great piece. It’s incredible what a long way common sense and common curtsey will take you. People have just forgotten that other people, in a relationship, or in any other situation, like to be appreciated. Thanks for reminding and thanks for sharing…

DakiniGirlDakiniGirlalmost 18 years ago
For OroroStorm in the real world

Honey, the only "real world" is the one of your own making. It's women like you who need this kind of message the most, and it's women like you won't ever hear it. Selena has written something from her heart and has clearly found what resides in the hearts of men. She says its a secret, but I'll tell her one. It's a secret only to women who are blind to the beauty around them and the beauty in themselves. I hope you find the beauty in your own storm, Ororo. It could be your greatest gift.

angelicminxangelicminxalmost 18 years ago
Gospel

That's what this is, or at least should be.

I'm guilty of it, at least in my first marriage. He took out the garbage, but left everything else to me. Including loading the car with all the baby gear or luggage for trips, unloading groceries, etc. Maybe if I hadn't gotten so angry all the time he'd have done more. Who knows.

This go 'round, my SO does ALL of the 'men things' like bringing in the groceries, carrying the heavy loads (hell, carrying ALL the loads), taking out the trash, opening doors, holding the umbrella and in general taking care of me. All the things that make him feel like a man. I tell him thank you on a regular basis, and yes, I mean it with all my heart.

He's taught me how to let him take care of me. He knows I'm capable of doing it myself, and maybe that's the key, that I AM capable, but he enjoys taking care of me. He tells me, when I look at him with such love filling my eyes and I say, "Thank you for taking care of me," he feels ten feet tall and bullet proof. I wouldn't take that from him to save my life. ~Minx

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Well, I just be damned!!!

I don't suppose you have a sister that thinks like you, do you? Or a cousin, maybe? Girlfriend?

I'm sending your story to a couple of women who are no longer part of my life... maybe they'll get it right next time...

MayhemLassMayhemLassalmost 18 years ago
Selena, trying not to hijack your essay

but, GOD, I can't keep quiet!

I'm thankful there are a few on the board that see how demeaning the essay is towards MEN, not to talk about WOMEN!

I can assure you - I love men too! What I do not love is damning ANYONE with unearned praise.

Let me make my position clear - I will liken it to how I deal with my kids - when my kids work HARD at something then they will get LOTS of praise and encouragement - a case in point, my second daughter - who struggled mightely with acedmic physcis in grade 11 - got a grade of 53% - I brought her out to lunch - I was TOTALLY proud of her. Same child, grade of 80% in history - I ripped her face off. WHY? Because she hadn't even cracked a book - NO effort had been put into it - the mark itself is irrelevant - she understood and laughed about it and totally got it.

I see what Selena says in this essay as "damning men with faint praise" - i.e. giving them praise and stroking for what? having a penis?

I LIKE, no LOVE penises! But JUST becuase my guy has one doesn't mean I think he THINKS with it - i.e. the infamous dishwahser thing - so he rinses the dishes, doesn't put them in and I'm suppoed to say thank you. For WHAT? For NOT doing the job correctly?

I praise my guy all the time - I support him in every sense, encourage, laugh with, have sex with him and fight with him - he is my PARTNER, my EQUAL - I never underestimate his intelligence nor his capabilities.

I would NEVER demean him or any other male - hell, any other person, by making the assumption that a half assed job is all they are capable of ... particularly if I am assuming it is becuase they are male!

And Harry I never once waved my salary, independence, etc in anyone's face! That, Harry, is your own insecurities speaking, not mine.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Jesus!

Would that more women had your depth of understanding! Men, too, for that matter. Comment by a very impressed man.

DakiniGirlDakiniGirlalmost 18 years ago
To: Mayhemlass

This article doesn't demean men. Ask the men who have posted feedback here if they feel demeaned. It seeks to truly understand the nature of men, and what they want from women. Marriage, nor life, isn’t about keeping score, at least, not the parts of it worth living. When you start keeping score with a man, like you do here, it is the beginning of the end for your relationship. Your view here makes me sad, for you and for your man. You are castrating your man every time you tell him he didn’t do it right, that he could have done it better, that YOU could have done it better. Minx had it right. Both people are capable, intelligent, sentient beings—who make a choice to give each other what they crave. Men crave appreciation and respect. Do you think your husband feels respected when you correct him? It makes me cringe. Selena presents a way to appreciate a man WITHOUT demeaning him. Perhaps you should share the essay with your man. Never mind. I imagine he probably would say just what you what him to say. Just know, he won’t say it forever.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Exactly right.

This article really sums up why things have gone so wrong for me and my partner, and how I've fallen so deeply in love with someone else.

I felt completely unvalued and unappreciated at home, I was just there to earn the money and pay the bills, and when someone else started to appreciate my humour, the nice things I did for my friends, even simply being in my company, I wanted to see more and more of them.

We've seen a hell of a lot of each other over the past year, and now we've fallen in love in such a big way that we can't imagine life without each other.

That's the true secret to winning a man's heart: make him feel appreciated for just simply being who he is.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
SelenaKittyn for President

To hell with Hillary, I want SelenaKittyn to be the first woman President.

I'm rating this a 5 only because there's no way to rate it a 6.

And let's not forget, all that advice applies to men, too. Ladies, appreciate your men. Guys, appreciate your women.

MayhemLassMayhemLassalmost 18 years ago
DakiniGirl

Both you and several others who have read my comments obviously are challenged when it comes to comprehension, both in terms of what is being said by Selena and on a more personal level, what I ACTUALLY say.

Not once do I say I 'Keep score'. Nor do I say I 'correct my guy constantly.

Nope, I say I treat him like an intelligent human being as I expect him to treat me.

And, sweetie, when you have a 30+ year relationship as I do - 25 years married - that continues to be challenging, passionate, exciting and fulfilling, then come back and tell me I'm wrong.

And incidentally, you're damn right I open my mouth EVERY day - but not to castrate my guy - I have far better things to do with my mouth than that!

DakiniGirlDakiniGirlalmost 18 years ago
To Selena Re: Mayhemlass

I apologize for using this little feedback portal to try to get Mayhemlass to see to the heart of your message. If it's been 30+ years for she and her man... well, we all know the saying about old dogs. She's clearly had his balls for so long he doesn't know they're missing. I just felt sad that she missed the point, and spent two rather large posts attached to your essay to justify the way she treats her man. I can't apologize for her behavior, but I will apologize for mine. Several of us have tried to get her to see what a majority of the people here see in your how-to, but clearly Miss Lass is more interested in justifying her position than listening. Wishing you the best, Selena.

AutumnWriterAutumnWriteralmost 18 years ago
Excellent

A very nice, well written work, and full of truth!

Boxlicker101Boxlicker101almost 18 years ago
Right on,

Selena, men do like to be appreciated. So do women, of course, and I think I'm going to have to do some work on that. Also, the biggest sexual turnon for a man is having a woman enjoying what he is doing.

This is rather strange, seeing public comments becoming a discussion thread.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Learned something about myself

Wow. If everyone had that kind of insight...man, world peace. Seriously.

I've never seen a more complete description of my entire personality. I suddenly have an understanding of why I do some of the things I do and act the way I act.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
The power of the "but"

I was most impressed with the portion of your article dealing with the way a simple "but..." negated the positive vibe of a "thank you." More people need to think about this. Thank you for pointing it out.

DG HearDG Hearalmost 18 years ago
Nicely done Miss or Mrs. Kitten

A lot of truth in your writing. It is a two way street, you want to be appreciated, then appreciate the one you're with. The little 'Thank you', go a long way. You are right when you say giving pleasure, receives pleasure.

Again, very insightful.

With high regards

DG Hear

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Hahahahahaha!

LMFAO! Maybe you should have wrote supplying lots of beer, blowjobs, and early morning sex topped with another blowjob. So much bullshit there's nothing more to say.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Your writing is always excellent, Selena,

but this one bothers me a bit.

I realize you are presenting this from the female perspective but this admonishment to careless wives seems a bit extreme.

And most of this is common sense for any relationship, anyway. Business dealings, extended families and/or significant others all benefit from normal common courtesy and respect.

But I think this approach (in general) shortchanges men. I think it downplays their intellect and reduces all their motivations to simple instinct.

My husband and I are celebrating anniversary #19 in a couple of weeks. Communication is the key for successful relationships, isn't it? Well, that, and a great sex life. *grin*

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Thank You

Thank You for geting me to look at my maraige in a new light. Being able to look at my husband and thank him with out using the but's is a gole I'm willing to take on. You made me look and see the Joy.

My Erotic TrailMy Erotic Trailalmost 18 years ago
excellent topic

...and very well written,

clip~

Men want to experience a woman experiencing pleasure.

this is so true, I feel this works both ways. My girl and I have what we call Saturdays <grin> yep on saturdays we take turns, alternate. If it is her saturday, then I do little things to make her night wonderful. example, I placed a lot of little notes all over the house, each note leading to the next and when all the notes were gathered she put the notes to gether and on the back they spelled out what I wanted her to do. Then I give her her pleasure, you would probably not be suprised that when you give pleasure it usually comes in return 10 fold. <grin

I really liked this essay, a great topic written in way that points to making a better relationship. That is very much needed in a nation that has a higher divorce rate than any other nation.

thanks for the read and as I see by the many comments, this essay ROCKS~

(~_~) GOOD LUCK AND THANKS

Art~

JazzManJimJazzManJimalmost 18 years ago
YES! YES! YES!

Oh my goodness, every woman on the planet ought to read this, even if they know the secrets contained therein or not.

Thank you, Selena, for letting the world know that all a man really wants, is to be treated like a man!

I am now your devoted fan. :)

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Probably True

This is how I lost my husband to a younger woman. She was married, he was married and he even told me about the things she said to him a work. How she admired him etc. My point is, why would he accept the flattery from her and not from me? When I tried to compliment him, early on in our marriage, he accused me of trying to manipulate him. When this woman at work was clearly manipulating him. Anyway, the article is probably true, but it's also sad that men can be so easily manipulated to leave a marriage of 25 years because a younger, prettier and more manipulative woman strokes his ego. Pretty self absorbed and self centered if you ask me.

neonlyteneonlytealmost 18 years ago
My Kinda Gal

Plain talking. Takes some small measure of courage to set this philosophy to print and you have my admiration (for what it is worth). Too easy to forget the simple measures that make a life shared rather than endured. The SO and I married 31 years ago just 8 weeks after we met. We made one promise to each other - 'Never to take one another for granted.' It works.

curl4evercurl4everalmost 18 years ago
Thank you!

I loved this contribution! Speaking as one, I'll admit that men are usually far from perfect, but I think this article does a very nice job of describing how to bring out the best in *most* men.

I find it surprising and sad that SelenaKittyn has received any negative comments for this. (I think it contains more truth than a shelf-full of $20 pop-psychology books, and she is letting us read it for free!) I suspect that the negativism is sparked when SK's advice hits too close to home, from critics who are in unhappy relationships due to lack of appreciation or just sadly having a spouse/partner who is at the really bad end of the spectrum.

sig357sig357almost 18 years ago
Wow!

You really know your stuff! Looks like the marriage in progress is to a very lucky man. Kudos to you, and cheers to all women who heed your words of wisdom. (And shame on all you women who don't because you are begging for a Selena-Kitten-Type-Lady to steal your guy away and make him forget he ever even knew your name!!) I have some ex-wives, but, thanks to the current Mrs. Sig, I can't remember who they were... and she and Selena have read the same books, let me tell ya.

Thanks, again, Selena Kitten!!!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
So ...

So, you did it! You found the treasure.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Professional and personal accolade

I just wanted to let you know that as a man AND as a trained, professional counsellor- you're right on the ball.

An accurate, insightful,and well-written piece.

Worker11811Worker11811almost 18 years ago
Bull's Eye!

I can only rate your essay with a "5" because the scale doesn't go up to "5,000"!

You've written just about exactly what I've been thinking for a while now!

Now, you have to write one that tells us how to get our wives to read this! ;)

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Wonderful advice

Which I will never use.

Quite enjoyable and probably worthwhile, but completely irrelevant on my side of the rainbow. :grin:

nuevonuevoalmost 18 years ago
wow

i love you.

can you tell me where these appreciative women are? i even used to put my ex-girlfriend to bed before i had to leave....

independent1independent1almost 18 years ago
You have given a very revealing assessment

After reading your essay, I have to agree with you. Too many people from either gender expect that certain things are done because "It's your job, I shouldn't have to tell you" or "You're supposed to do these things". Or people expect the barter system, doing one task to receive another. Appreciation goes right out the window. Ditto for hidden agendas or ulterior motives.

Ever wonder why major fights and arguments happen on Valentines Day? Or maybe take note of how your significant other expects a major celebration on their birthday, and forget all about yours?

If I do something for a person, whether it is male or female, I do it because I want to, not because someone tells me or expects it, which is the quickest way for me to stop doing it. I've listened to more women talk about how their ( eventual ) man is going to treat them like a queen. And then I flee like the wind, because I never hear how they are going to treat their man with the same care and attention.

This essay is something I've noticed for years. General appreciation and a sincere, heartfelt thanks has rapidly disappeared, only to be replaced with "Gimme," "where's mine," "how about me," and "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should know what I want."

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
Works in reverse, too.

Okay, guys, always eat the dinner and say how good it is. If it got burned, say, "oh, well, charcoal is good for the stomach" Offer to do the dishes, and do your best if she accepts the offer. Always compliment the new clothes. Change the diaper without being asked. Bring her coffee in bed every morning and give her a back rub every night. And all that stuff.

Mother in law is your ally if she thinks your are good to her daughter, so if she sees that you are, it becomes easy to talk her into taking the screaming kids for a week so you can take the daughter off somewhere and show her why she married you in the first place.

hugo_samhugo_samalmost 18 years ago
~

Refreshingly different. A brave stand in today's climate, nicely done. Too bad you are not eligible for the contest.

Thank you

Hugo

JazzManJimJazzManJimalmost 18 years ago
Excellent Insight

Remind me to buy you dinner sometime for this wonderful essay. :)

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Thanks

You have saved my marriage.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
THANK YOU!!!

From a man who has never felt appreciated.

Ladies...here's something to think about....if you do praise and appriciate your man, he'll be less likely to act like a weenieboy, and less likely to do things that could be interpreted as being manipulative. Men are often taught from an early age that we are to live and die by how much women approve of and appreciate us, so having a woman *get it* is SO important, especially in this day of the emasculated and emotionally castrated male.

Guys- it's ok to be a Man, but do so with some pride and dignity- the girls will absolutely thank you.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
really lovely

insightful, honest, & not cheesy.

HughJardHughJardover 17 years ago
Absolutely Wonderful...

Absolutely wonderful, insightful, caring, and full of wisdom gained with experience. Thank you so much.

Tired TexanTired Texanover 17 years ago
My dear, you have it!

The sweetest music this side of heaven is hearing my lady's laugh. My greatest joy is to watch her face as she experiences an orgasm. I delight in her smile when tell her how wonderful she looks, clothed or not. Her happiness creates mine. I live for those moments. Thank you for stating it so well!

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
This is pure truth

This article cuts right to the heart of the nature of men and women. There are truths so deep here they can't even be explained.

When I was growing up, my dad had one motto by which he ran the family: "If your mom is happy, then I'm happy. If you're mom's unhappy, you had better hope to God that it's not because of you"

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Thank you!!

THank you.

My man has bene feeling like he is horrible boyfriend even though he isn't. This will really help. :]

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
brilliant peace of work

A really brilliant peace of work, really gd!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
So True!

As a guy, I found myself nodding and smiling throughout the entire piece, thank you for writing this and thank every woman who has read it for reading it!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
Makes Sense

You're right, it is such a simple thing. But as most simple things in life, it often gets overlooked. I'm very guilty of it with my man, unfortunately. Reading your work, I can see so many instances where he does or says something, and then looks at me for appreciation, and I don't know what he's looking for. Now I do. I'm becoming a bigger and bigger fan of your writing. Don't be stopping any time soon. :)

2052Dreams2052Dreamsabout 17 years ago
Excellent advice and writing.

Could tell Dr. Phil a thing or two. Well done.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
Thank you!!!!!

This is so amazingly true. I really didn't understand the depth of this in my relationship with my wife and now with my young son. Thank you for your deep insight.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
tried and true

Awesome reminder...through other avenues I have done this and turned an almost ended marriage around. I have been slacking off and been grouchy and you hit the nail on the head. I will use your 'magnificent man' comment as soon as he gets home. And it is true, he would rather bring me to climax than give him oral pleasure which was his favorite. In the beginning of the relationship he wanted, wanted, wanted but once I satisfied him and he realized it was not out of obligation, he could not wait to satisfy me.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
truth...

do you give seminars? not only is this completely true, but it's the sort of thing many women wouldn't believe if it is the man telling them. there is *nothing* like the softness and joy of a woman's pleasure.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Now I really know

I have noticed our relationship hasn't been what it used to be. We have talked about it and it always comes up that he feels I don't appreciate him. The thing is I really, really, really do!! I guess I am just really bad at showing it, often to distracted to notice what he does at the time and once I do notice it seems too late. Now this article has really put it all in perspective, how important it really is that he feels appreciated. So no matter what, I will try to be more focused because I have an amazing man and I don't want to loose him; worse, I don't want him to be unhappy. I want him to be so happy to be in our relationship that he brags to everyone he knows again! Because it used to be like that once upon a time...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Thanks

It is true... Thank you for putting it into a writing.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Thank you!

I'm not sure I'm the right sex for answering this, but as a man I would like to thank you greatly for this article! I'm single (I've always been single), and the only feminine feedback I've ever had, except from family, has been about how bad men are in general. When the two "women in my life" (mother and sister) have shown appreciation of any kind, there has always been a large "but." I thought that was the norm, but after reading this article I feel much better about myself! Thank you!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Very true

As other guys have agreed, you are absolutely spot on with this. It's always the little things in life! And also, I agree with you whole-heartedly on the point that men and women are not the same in the way they think, but this is not a bad thing at all. Otherwise there would only be one perspective in life to any given situation.

Well done again on the great article!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
If It Seems Too Late

Well done. Awesome reminder...through other avenues I will use your 'magnificent man' comment that contains any ads, links, or says something. You're right, it is true, he breaks Literotica rules. Reading your work, I don't appreciate him. Well done again on the norm, but this article has been single, and women wouldn't believe it if it seems too late. So no matter what, I really, really do!! - Faloo Faloo

peggytwittypeggytwittyalmost 17 years ago
Worth reading a year later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I commented on this almost a year ago when you first wrote this, but it is still a great little piece of advice and experience on a one-sided slant. It deserves to be read again as far as I’m concerned. You have really hit a home run as far as this mature guy is concerned.<p>EXCERPT: He gets an incredible rush from giving you orgasms, from making you moan and squeal and giggle and gasp. There is nothing that makes a man feel more appreciated and acknowledged than watching his lover's face as she dies into bliss in his arms, knowing he took her to that place.<p>This is so true for men who have feelings for their partner. It is absolutely the best part of making love for a man in love or who cares for the woman at almost any level.<p><p>EXCERPT: They know when a woman is acting, when she isn't really feeling what she's expressing. They know when someone is being insincere and disingenuous, and they will know if you are faking, even if they don't say so.<p> I wish I could agree, but women can fool most of us like in “Harry Met Sally” unless we can see her nipples or other signs we have established over years of being together.<p>I have one other thing that makes for a great partnership in that please don’t say you don’t care where we go to eat or what we do. We men want a partner not an indifferent person who thinks letting us pick all the minor things is an illustration of love. It is a demonstration of total indifference and makes whatever we are going to do feel like who cares as she doesn’t.<p>There are more examples of things men let ourselves hope for, but its not that important to start a long dialogue that we will probably screw up with our direct way of wording things. Oh! There is still the truth in all of this, “MOST” men are still like little boys when it comes to wanting acceptance from people they love.<p> Fantastic writing as you always put so much in all your works.<p>Thank you for some great thoughts that show this man, “SOME WOMEN DO GET IT.” <P>PT

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Wow

It is so true that it should be taught in schools.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
buts

I do not mind the buts done in a nice way. like thanks for taking care of the baby but can you close the wipes or they will dry out please. please is still the magic word. Thank you for letting women know men don't take hints and we would rather do without then be bargained for like oral if we need to bargain then we will manipulate back and start looking not knowing we are but looking in kind and when men see enough they will scream enough and leave

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 17 years ago
Very Insightful!

Wow! I am a 50 yo man, and I have never heard or read a man say what I'll bet is the way most men feel, let alone a woman. If only I could get my wife to think this way. (sigh) Congrats, and let's hear more from you.

ChicksDigGuitarChicksDigGuitaralmost 17 years ago
Thank you!

Women that know what they want - it's all we're really asking for. What a great read. Thank you!

KaiteeDidKaiteeDidalmost 17 years ago
Thank you!

You can read stuff like this in a hundred books, but when it's from a real person, it makes so much more sense. My husband and I have been married for seven years and have recently been going through some tough times lately. Reading your story has really opened my eyes. Thought I should say "thanks". -KatyDid

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
Right on Track

A suprising article.. that hits the nail on the head when it comes to describing a huge part of the males heart.

Even young men, boys... want to be thought of as wild, strong, useful, good enough!

They constantly test themselves to see if they are good enough... a man... and that never goes away.

The first person a boy gets his sense of masculine is his father. What he wants from his mother, wife, girlfriend is not so much affirmation of his worthiness... but asknoledgment of his accomplishments... and a little appreciation.

Beware the BUT... it really does take the wind out of our sails... like saying.. your ALMOST good enough, if only you'd changed this or that.

Next time your rattling off a list of your/a males difficiencies in front of him, your kids, your friends... you can bet he is shutting you out, building a wall to protect himself, and genuinely hurting from not being able to satisfy you as he truely wants to.

Its the small thank you's that make all the difference. If you want your male to make you FEEL like your worthy of being fought for, help him feel he is up to the task!

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
Very True

I thought your article was great! It just felt good to know that there are women out there that understand men. Thanks!

scottrd2scottrd2over 16 years ago
Real men don't cry...but...:-)

This was a beautiful piece. I'll never admit it but I thought I felt something moist near my eye while reading it. Nah it couldn't be... Anyway..It reminds me of some great advice from the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" I read your article and thought if women only knew... how many marriages would be saved and families still together. We men certainly have our bad habits and some of us truly are scum but most of us are more like you describe. I have heard my voice in my head saying, "I'm just never going to be good enough to make her happy". It's so sad since I get such joy from making her happy. I would do anything to se her smile and really do want to be her hero. Oh well..I digress. Thank you for writing this. Men and Women rarely see all the good in each other. You have put a brilliant light on that goodness if for only a moment. :-)

lynnakimanalynnakimanaover 16 years ago
Thank you

I know its been said before, but it bears repeating. Thank you for this. This is amazing, and so simply true, its almost a "duh" moment. But sometimes we needed to be reminded to find the joy and the pleasure and the thanks in the simple, every day things.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 16 years ago
Excellent advice - so true

This is SO true! I'm a man, and I didn't even realize some of these things about myself until I read this. Very good information for women.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 16 years ago
Right On Target

Yes, this advice is right on target. Even though I still loved her, I left my wife after feeling unappreciated for many years.

Jai_SaraswatiJai_Saraswatiover 15 years ago
As always... great words.

"Men want to experience a woman experiencing pleasure."

...if you are experiencing pleasure, you are open to me. The only thing I want - everything else follows after.

Most difficult, beautiful, rocky navigation, from glance to kiss to caress to surrender... there is no technique to learn, just look inside, and if you are not opening, he is not opening; if he is not opening, you are not surrendering.

I for one want nothing except the Gift, if it is one touch, or many. And the forever practice of learning how to be present with my Love.

AnonymousAnonymousover 15 years ago
Too little too late

A powerful essay showing everything that´s wrong with todays feminist brainwashed female.

I don´t believe they are reformable anymore. Let them rot with their bad boys and pickup artists.

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