Fetish Daddy Ch. 01

caps looks horrid!

too much talking in caps!

We're not deaf

The convention on most web based applications is that words typed in upper case (CAPS) are shouted, this is OK for exclamations like AARGH! or some thing similar, but the extended conversations you have in this story seem to be shouted accross a busy street, or if they are indoors it would certainly alert the neighbours to their darkest secrets.

read more

I think you need to read more and write less

PLEASE!

Someone take this man's Caps Lock and Shift keys away.

Riposte

Yegods! Are you lot into Amish shagging or sommit? Given the 'spirited' taboo nature of the seduction act in this specific story, I'd hardly think they'd be necessarily whispering sweet nothings to each other! I'll let you anal retentives be and await some more meaningful critique...go back and watch Big Bother or whatever beige alternatives you call banality TV...

T-T-T-T-ERRIBLE

I TH-TH-THINK THIS WAS ONE O-O-O-O-OF THE WO-WO-WOR-WORST STORIES ON HERE!!!!! THE C-CAPS AND THE BR-BROK-BROKEN UP WORDS WERE SO F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!

S-S-S-HH-IIII-T

Are you sure you are old enough to visit the site, let alone have the audacity to submit such a terrible piece?
PLEASE, NNNNOOOO MMMOORRREEEEEEEEEEEEE

Can A Moderator PLEASE Remove This Garbage?

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Crap like this can give Literotica a bad name - get rid of it!

Oh, please!

Please, PLEASE, ( and that is shouted - at the top of my voice!), take some lessons in writing, Sir Rumpalot. You seriously need them, along with reading intelligent erotica.

Some problems, but not a bad concept

For a first-time posting, I think you've got some nice elements here. Clearly, you've created a fantasy story that has some appeal to you. This is great. You're sharing your particular fetish, and mixing it with some fantasy elements... All good. Truthfully, you could benefit from working with a very understanding editor. There are many here on Lit who could help you smooth out the rough edges, and perhaps improve your overall ability to boot. Most important, though, don't stop writing, and don't stop submitting stories to lit. Keep going, as long as you've got ideas that make you excited. With some practice, and some guidence, you'll become better with every story.

Peace.

srw

Solid work

I thought the general story line and structure was innovative without being pretentious. The writing itself at times shined and at times simmered, but overall I enjoyed the piece. In my experience, slutting cunt-daughters generally do enjoy experiencing their fathers sado-masocistic perversions, so I give you an A for accuracy. I thought you might have played up the obvious Indo-Paki origin of the family a bit more, but otherwise I can dig it.

For fuck's sake...

Stop using uppercase letters and !!!!!! on every single sentence. It doesn't increase the tension or make it sexier, it just makes it seem like someone is yelling the story into my ear in an obnoxious voice.

Gawd that was horrible!!! Started with the instant turnoff of him yapping about buttfucking some guy... Then improved for a few seconds with two asian chicks in the house, then crashed and burned with the pathetic story line, miserable sentence structure, CONSTANT CAPSLOCK YELLING FOR PAGES, and third grade dialog structure. Ugh, couldnt even finish it!