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English
noone
I cant believe noone has commented on this story, its wicked cool!!
Did I
crunch my numbers right? So Dee Dee is 38 by stories end and M&M is 22? Bit of a gap in age isn't it, old enough to be his mother. Don't get me wrong, really enjoyed the story, but I think what I'd of wrote, that insted of the first Mark dieing, that he was in a coma as well but the likly hood of him coming out of it was slim to none, and so she just continued on with her life. So he comes out of his coma meany years later, not remembering Dee Dee, but having the dreams. But everything else with education, the desire to go to the west coast, the not liking the snow so much, all remains the same. But it's your story and it's still is good. No chance of a follow up I guess?
great
love the story
Abrupt
There were some changes of scenery that were confusing, but I love the story. Her switch from abstinance to 'wanton' was pretty quick and confusing. Her teasing about the invitation to the dance was hilarious. I remember girls dangling guys like marrionetts. Poor guys getting more confused all the time. Its odd that any male ever graduates high school, the girls keep them all screwed-up in the head all the time. Then the switch from Mark to Mike and (I'm supposing) about 20yr age difference took me awhile to resolve with the emotionally charged professional relationship that then took a very personal turn. I think you should think about putting a little more 'lead-in' or transition narrative when there needs to be a change in a character or plot. Even if it makes the story run on a little longer than you've planned. It will flow better. On a film, a 'flashback' or 'jump foreward' in time can be done with costume and scenery devices but on "paper" the same shift needs to be explained with words.
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