All Comments on '"Empire" Challenge'

I am not sure why, but I get a futuristic feel from this poem-- very interesting language and phrasing. I will have to come back to this to see if I can dig in deeper, I know I am missing something, I can feel it, but am so tired...

Thank you for playing along in this challenge!

~annaswirls

I have a hard time reading this one out loud, and I feel as though I'm left with more questions than answers. In the first section, I think you're missing a line to rhyme with prayers, and maybe that's why I had such trouble with it.

“Empire”

(Challenge)

At 4 and sometimes 3 in the morning,

the chatter and din of the early prayers.

Chiding the bright, centric child to rise.

To come and give courage and favors.

Encore of the days before, with lithe soaring.

Announce the breath of bright, windy sighs.

Sleep was lost and dreams of thought, wavers.

All the way through to creations tides.

And man, no borders to change that racket,

there are those hearts,

unbound and uncoiled to match it.

Once it was no contest.

Now the world, sprout sentient.

Instinct wild much test it!

The Mystery Valiant

7-2-2006

okay i'm going to give you a straight up critique as you have done with me - i appreciate the honesty and am sure you will also.

remember, i am commenting on the poem, not the poet.

i find you use way too much punctuation causing me to read statements and not poetry. it makes for choppy sounding reading, not smooth flowing. perhaps that's your intention. but i don't derive a great deal of pleasure from it.

i read this poem (and your other poetry) and find that i can 'almost' understand it. i think you miss out on giving straight connections between ideas and in the process you lose me as a reader who understands what you are saying.

the phrasing that you use sometimes makes sense and sometimes doesn't. just when i think i understand what you are saying you go and lose me by adding in another 'random' type thought or phrase that simply makes no connection in my mind with what you have previously said.

i think there is a fine line between too much detail and not enough and at the moment you are slightly on the side of 'not enough'.

if ever you write this again, i'd appreciate being able to read and understand it.

i hope something i've said is of use to you. thanks for giving me the chance to comment.

wso

to rule is not the sole domain of angels.

Thanks for the poetry.

Way too much punctuation,

Breaking up ideas' flow;

Like a ransom note with cut-out words

From dozens of different magazines.

Perhaps a better focus a more logical approach better organization of the images contained therein.