a lot of which was rather boring. Actually, the effect of reading this story was like drinking root beer without the carbonation. Needs more of a sensual approach, slow undressing, better description of sexual elements, etc. Also needs more "pep". as my grandfather used to say about my Oldsmobile Omega. Overall, a disappointment.
by
Anonymous10/08/06
Not bad at all
Definetely much better than the majority of the stories here. Well written, and a story that makes you want to read more.
I like this. It's a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it's well written, and Jacqui is well realised and cute as a kitten. A story with real people with really hurts and scars is always, for me, far sexier than bland people coupling furiously.
For me this was a very sexy story. The ending didn't particularly work for me (not that I believe she couldn't kill her father, nor that I believe she wouldn't shut her husband out like that - but wouldn't he do more to win her back?); and as I say I found it slightly on the sweet side.
But good. Definitely good.
by
Anonymous10/08/06
My first comment, ever.
Best story I've read here. What happens to Jacqui?
by
Anonymous10/08/06
FIRST COMMENT EVER
This is definately worth a comment. I hope i did this ok
I have read most of your stories, even the incest ones (Yuck) and they are always par excellence. I like the way they all have individual moods. And your knowledge of geography is great.
You should think about writing novels or movies. YOu have too much talent to let it waste.
P.S. I once dated a girl who had been abused by her dad when I was 18. I found it great, the patience and the understanding your character showed her. Damn! That shit was deep. Wish I'd read it back then.
Great improvement and I loved the premise for the story itself. Hope there's another chapter to see if they get back together or not. keep up the good work.
by
Anonymous10/09/06
awww
awwwww..that was so sad and sweet and and and..just...awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
This story was great...until the very end. A few years ago, a wealthy man in Boston blamed "black" males for shooting his wife when, in fact, he'd shot her. The police rousted Black men throughout the city, even killing one because of the lie. But, then, with some people's readiness to believe the worst in others, the accusation lend a touch of realism to your story, eh?
For some readers, this is the "race card". But, for some others of your readers, this is a reality we have to face & deal with. For such an empathetic and compassionate story, you could have stretched a little bit on the ending.
by
Anonymous10/09/06
Very good
A story well done. I haven't looked yet but I hope that you have posted other stories like this one. Thank you for sharing your work with me.
This was a very good story and I enjoyed it a lot. It was a very sexy story in a subtle way. However, I can't imagine that Jaqui would leave a man she trusted and throw herself into the position of a being a person on the run. She could have offered Cathy far more protection if she had done it with Rod.
Nookiehunter
by
Anonymous10/10/06
Part 2?
How about a part 2? Does she come back someday? Good Story!
Well Jim, this certainly cries out for a Ch.2! A very good story and I enjoyed it immensely. A sensuous but subtle tale with real characters and a plot worthy of a TV novella. Yes Jim, you must continue this tale and bring Jacqui safely back to Rod for them (and us) to live happily ever after. Pete.
by
Anonymous11/28/06
Speechless
Speechless. Absolutely speechless. The story, the characters, the emotions...you made it all. People who don't usually read erotic stories will still say "yes...well done." If this was a true story then i pray that Rod finds Jacqui. If it was fiction, it sure sounded real.
by
Anonymous12/30/06
This is me in so many ways.
Where did you get the idea for this story? It was beautiful, but it made me cry. Don't stop writing, your characters are so dynamic.
great story but it left us hanging with the love they grew into then seperated so she could handel keeping sister away from her same fate. get to work on the sequal! homer.
by
Anonymous06/29/07
An Emotional Ride
I have to say as defintely something uique in the story was not what I visualized from the title. i would do not see a sequal comming as the impact of the story lay in the tragic ending but if you are thinking about it do it It would defintely have me right there along with everyone else. well written and presented the characters took on complexity that you usually see in lengthy storiess or novels.. well developed for the shortness of the story,
by
Anonymous08/25/07
My First
This is the first time I have felt moved to leave a comment. Normal I just read the story then take care of business so to speak, but this one moved me in a whole new way. It was eroitica at it's best.
by
Anonymous11/18/07
Thank you
One time on alt.suicide I "talked" with a young girl who could have been a Jacqui. I've never forgotten the hurt when she failed to answer my final messages... I hope your Jacqui found her happiness.
by
Anonymous11/21/07
Definetly make a Chap. 2
I love this story and all the other that i have read by you.
Your an excellent writer.
I like your story telling, stories. But, what I don't like, you don't put closure to them, you expect us to. I buy a novel, I expect closure, no matter if I like the way it ends or not. Like this one, you could have said you/he never saw her again, period, not leave it hanging like there will be another to follow.
by
Anonymous05/07/08
absolutely wonderful...
I have never left a comment before in my long history of visiting this site. But your story veritably compelled me to make the effort to convey to you the awesomeness of what i just read. I didn't think the story was going to move in that direction from the title and brief description...but i am totally glad that it made the twists and turns that make for an amazing read. A little disappointed at the end...(but that is purely for my own cosmetic reasons!) Thanxx for that story, and i do hope you continue to write. I will be following closely, from now on. Know that you have just acquired a fan!
by
Anonymous06/07/08
Nice!
I enjoyed this story so much!
First time ever I write a comment.
by
Anonymous07/13/08
made me cry!
this is the moxt beautiful peice of erotica iv ever read on this site you are also the best author keep up the good work ILY:)
by
Anonymous08/27/08
A gift wrapped in prose.
Truly a pleasure to read a story
where the sex is but a tool to be
added to, and not just 'the' story.
Thanks for sharing.
by
Anonymous02/26/09
I actually cried.
Please tell me you've written up some romance novels for profit? The ending was terribly moving. You're a very creative writer and you could definitely turn a pretty penny this way.
by
Anonymous04/18/09
.........Heartbreaker......
.......it was a moving story...i hope you continue on with more and more....really enjoyable...well written...
I cannot tell you how many times I have read this particular story, but I can say that every time I read it, I still get that same sense of wonder, bliss, and heartbreak that I got the very first time I read this story some 3 years ago. It is just fantastic in virtually every way possible. The only qualm that I have is the ending!!! I would love for there to be some closure. Anything that would let me know how Rod and Jacqui ended up. But putting that aside, your story is simply wonderful, and will continue to be so for as long as I can read. thank you for that, and keep up the marvelous work.
by
Anonymous01/20/10
Such a talent!
This like all your stories is beautifully crafted. You have a beautiful gift for writing, and your wonderful wide-ranging imagination provides us with an amazing kaleidoscope of images and improbable situations that drives us to finish each story and search for more. I have read all the postings you have made to Literotica, and for all the beauty of your work, it does deserve a review by a competent editor before you publish it. You have some problem with possessives (e.g., using Johns book for John's book) some plurals (e.g., your once used baby's for babies), and most egregiously, you seldom get it right when you use a compound with a proper noun and a personal pronoun separated by the word "and". For example: "She gave John and I/me" ... should be - "she gave John and me ..." (direct object); or, "Don and I/me went to the movies" should be "Don and I..." (subject of the sentence); or, "The problem with Pete and I/me..." should be "Pete and me" (object of the preposition with). A simple test to check what form of the personal pronoun to use is to delete the proper noun and the word "and" and try the sentence. For example, say you are writing, "She is going with Jack and I/me"; if you leave out the "Jack and" and write the sentence, "She is going with I/me", you can tell immediately that "me" is correct. This test will work with better than 90 percent of the proper noun/and/personal pronoun combinations you write.
I /think/ that the ending means that she went back home and killed her father, setting it up to look like someone else did it...
but I do agree... the ending is vague to a point where I'm not really sure what the author is trying to tell us.
by
Anonymous05/19/11
WOW...
that's all i have to say..WOW...your writing is simply amazing and i read each word with baited breath..please NEVER stop doing the brilliant writing you do....signed Cassandra
IMHO, Jim, you have written here the heart of what you could build into great love story with strong (non-X rated) movie potential. Think-getting paid for change.
Just a suggestion from a big fan.
by
Anonymous01/28/15
Cries for something more
The ending feels very tragic, perhaps needlessly so. You could bring her back someway. It is hard to imagine that such a loving man would let his wife, clearly the love of his life, do what she had to do alone and then not try to find her to get her back. Breaks my heart. Some solace in the fact the newspaper reported her married name. Perhaps she plans to return.
Another chapter would be good to provide closure. It might take some of the punch out of the story but it would be a good exchange. ^ ^ ^
The ending feels very tragic, perhaps needlessly so. You could bring her back someway. It is hard to imagine that such a loving man would let his wife, clearly the love of his life, do what she had to do alone and then not try to find her to get her back. Breaks my heart. Some solace in the fact the newspaper reported her married name. Perhaps she plans to return.
Another chapter would be good to provide closure. It might take some of the punch out of the story but it would be a good exchange.
its fine with this ending too, the clue is that they both knew the end of their r'ship was near, & she had sex to make him happy for his gratitude.
she would only live to help cathy, i hope she would come back, but a young mind however brilliant faces a traumatic & massive abusive event, will no doubtly leave a permanent scar.
also she did say it will never last.
but to me as a story, i feel the writer was in a hurry to wind up, but well written still, def 4.5 stars.
English
Well done
The story was very well done. I enjoyed the visuals you created and the character development.
Loved It!
Thank you for sharing your wonderful talent!
too much conversation...
a lot of which was rather boring. Actually, the effect of reading this story was like drinking root beer without the carbonation. Needs more of a sensual approach, slow undressing, better description of sexual elements, etc. Also needs more "pep". as my grandfather used to say about my Oldsmobile Omega. Overall, a disappointment.
Not bad at all
Definetely much better than the majority of the stories here. Well written, and a story that makes you want to read more.
NOT too much conversation!
I like this. It's a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it's well written, and Jacqui is well realised and cute as a kitten. A story with real people with really hurts and scars is always, for me, far sexier than bland people coupling furiously.
For me this was a very sexy story. The ending didn't particularly work for me (not that I believe she couldn't kill her father, nor that I believe she wouldn't shut her husband out like that - but wouldn't he do more to win her back?); and as I say I found it slightly on the sweet side.
But good. Definitely good.
My first comment, ever.
Best story I've read here. What happens to Jacqui?
FIRST COMMENT EVER
This is definately worth a comment. I hope i did this ok
And another one!!!! You're a great writer, SIr
I have read most of your stories, even the incest ones (Yuck) and they are always par excellence. I like the way they all have individual moods. And your knowledge of geography is great.
You should think about writing novels or movies. YOu have too much talent to let it waste.
P.S. I once dated a girl who had been abused by her dad when I was 18. I found it great, the patience and the understanding your character showed her. Damn! That shit was deep. Wish I'd read it back then.
loved it
Great improvement and I loved the premise for the story itself. Hope there's another chapter to see if they get back together or not. keep up the good work.
awww
awwwww..that was so sad and sweet and and and..just...awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Perpetrators?
This story was great...until the very end. A few years ago, a wealthy man in Boston blamed "black" males for shooting his wife when, in fact, he'd shot her. The police rousted Black men throughout the city, even killing one because of the lie. But, then, with some people's readiness to believe the worst in others, the accusation lend a touch of realism to your story, eh?
For some readers, this is the "race card". But, for some others of your readers, this is a reality we have to face & deal with. For such an empathetic and compassionate story, you could have stretched a little bit on the ending.
Very good
A story well done. I haven't looked yet but I hope that you have posted other stories like this one. Thank you for sharing your work with me.
Very Good
This was a very good story and I enjoyed it a lot. It was a very sexy story in a subtle way. However, I can't imagine that Jaqui would leave a man she trusted and throw herself into the position of a being a person on the run. She could have offered Cathy far more protection if she had done it with Rod.
Nookiehunter
Part 2?
How about a part 2? Does she come back someday? Good Story!
Another great one!!!!!
Well Jim, this certainly cries out for a Ch.2! A very good story and I enjoyed it immensely. A sensuous but subtle tale with real characters and a plot worthy of a TV novella. Yes Jim, you must continue this tale and bring Jacqui safely back to Rod for them (and us) to live happily ever after. Pete.
Speechless
Speechless. Absolutely speechless. The story, the characters, the emotions...you made it all. People who don't usually read erotic stories will still say "yes...well done." If this was a true story then i pray that Rod finds Jacqui. If it was fiction, it sure sounded real.
This is me in so many ways.
Where did you get the idea for this story? It was beautiful, but it made me cry. Don't stop writing, your characters are so dynamic.
this one you need to continue.
great story but it left us hanging with the love they grew into then seperated so she could handel keeping sister away from her same fate. get to work on the sequal! homer.
An Emotional Ride
I have to say as defintely something uique in the story was not what I visualized from the title. i would do not see a sequal comming as the impact of the story lay in the tragic ending but if you are thinking about it do it It would defintely have me right there along with everyone else. well written and presented the characters took on complexity that you usually see in lengthy storiess or novels.. well developed for the shortness of the story,
My First
This is the first time I have felt moved to leave a comment. Normal I just read the story then take care of business so to speak, but this one moved me in a whole new way. It was eroitica at it's best.
Thank you
One time on alt.suicide I "talked" with a young girl who could have been a Jacqui. I've never forgotten the hurt when she failed to answer my final messages... I hope your Jacqui found her happiness.
Definetly make a Chap. 2
I love this story and all the other that i have read by you.
Your an excellent writer.
All ,and All
I like your story telling, stories. But, what I don't like, you don't put closure to them, you expect us to. I buy a novel, I expect closure, no matter if I like the way it ends or not. Like this one, you could have said you/he never saw her again, period, not leave it hanging like there will be another to follow.
absolutely wonderful...
I have never left a comment before in my long history of visiting this site. But your story veritably compelled me to make the effort to convey to you the awesomeness of what i just read. I didn't think the story was going to move in that direction from the title and brief description...but i am totally glad that it made the twists and turns that make for an amazing read. A little disappointed at the end...(but that is purely for my own cosmetic reasons!) Thanxx for that story, and i do hope you continue to write. I will be following closely, from now on. Know that you have just acquired a fan!
Nice!
I enjoyed this story so much!
First time ever I write a comment.
made me cry!
this is the moxt beautiful peice of erotica iv ever read on this site you are also the best author keep up the good work ILY:)
A gift wrapped in prose.
Truly a pleasure to read a story
where the sex is but a tool to be
added to, and not just 'the' story.
Thanks for sharing.
I actually cried.
Please tell me you've written up some romance novels for profit? The ending was terribly moving. You're a very creative writer and you could definitely turn a pretty penny this way.
.........Heartbreaker......
.......it was a moving story...i hope you continue on with more and more....really enjoyable...well written...
Short and Sweet...
and so tragically romantic. What a moving story.
Magic on my screen
I cannot tell you how many times I have read this particular story, but I can say that every time I read it, I still get that same sense of wonder, bliss, and heartbreak that I got the very first time I read this story some 3 years ago. It is just fantastic in virtually every way possible. The only qualm that I have is the ending!!! I would love for there to be some closure. Anything that would let me know how Rod and Jacqui ended up. But putting that aside, your story is simply wonderful, and will continue to be so for as long as I can read. thank you for that, and keep up the marvelous work.
Such a talent!
This like all your stories is beautifully crafted. You have a beautiful gift for writing, and your wonderful wide-ranging imagination provides us with an amazing kaleidoscope of images and improbable situations that drives us to finish each story and search for more. I have read all the postings you have made to Literotica, and for all the beauty of your work, it does deserve a review by a competent editor before you publish it. You have some problem with possessives (e.g., using Johns book for John's book) some plurals (e.g., your once used baby's for babies), and most egregiously, you seldom get it right when you use a compound with a proper noun and a personal pronoun separated by the word "and". For example: "She gave John and I/me" ... should be - "she gave John and me ..." (direct object); or, "Don and I/me went to the movies" should be "Don and I..." (subject of the sentence); or, "The problem with Pete and I/me..." should be "Pete and me" (object of the preposition with). A simple test to check what form of the personal pronoun to use is to delete the proper noun and the word "and" and try the sentence. For example, say you are writing, "She is going with Jack and I/me"; if you leave out the "Jack and" and write the sentence, "She is going with I/me", you can tell immediately that "me" is correct. This test will work with better than 90 percent of the proper noun/and/personal pronoun combinations you write.
Everything is logical and well written,
until the end. Then it made no sense at all.
ending
The ending sucked!
I think...
I /think/ that the ending means that she went back home and killed her father, setting it up to look like someone else did it...
but I do agree... the ending is vague to a point where I'm not really sure what the author is trying to tell us.
WOW...
that's all i have to say..WOW...your writing is simply amazing and i read each word with baited breath..please NEVER stop doing the brilliant writing you do....signed Cassandra
Hell No!!!!!!
Damn it Rod, you cant end it there!!!!!!!
younger women
wow you had me in tears
Don't like the ending
Why did she have to go away if they don't suspect her? Kind of a downer.
Awh Man?
Loved the storyline. Please don't tell us that's it???
MORE.
The Difference!
The contrast from the last of your stories I just read was amazing. The feeling and sensitivity reached out from every line and grabbed me. Wonderful.
great story!!!
do you think jacqui and her sister will come back and live with rod in a future story and have his children?i hope you write it someday. bob w.
Another beautiful story.
IMHO, Jim, you have written here the heart of what you could build into great love story with strong (non-X rated) movie potential. Think-getting paid for change.
Just a suggestion from a big fan.
Cries for something more
The ending feels very tragic, perhaps needlessly so. You could bring her back someway. It is hard to imagine that such a loving man would let his wife, clearly the love of his life, do what she had to do alone and then not try to find her to get her back. Breaks my heart. Some solace in the fact the newspaper reported her married name. Perhaps she plans to return.
Another chapter would be good to provide closure. It might take some of the punch out of the story but it would be a good exchange. ^ ^ ^
Cries for something more
I'm reposting under my username --
The ending feels very tragic, perhaps needlessly so. You could bring her back someway. It is hard to imagine that such a loving man would let his wife, clearly the love of his life, do what she had to do alone and then not try to find her to get her back. Breaks my heart. Some solace in the fact the newspaper reported her married name. Perhaps she plans to return.
Another chapter would be good to provide closure. It might take some of the punch out of the story but it would be a good exchange.
surely needs more, but
its fine with this ending too, the clue is that they both knew the end of their r'ship was near, & she had sex to make him happy for his gratitude.
she would only live to help cathy, i hope she would come back, but a young mind however brilliant faces a traumatic & massive abusive event, will no doubtly leave a permanent scar.
also she did say it will never last.
but to me as a story, i feel the writer was in a hurry to wind up, but well written still, def 4.5 stars.
Follow Up?
Another great tale. Would love to see a follow up
Have just reread this one again !
scouries : Having just reread this one again , even after all this time ,still so sad , I feel you should ad a happier ending .
tx cracker
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Punked Off or
More submissions by scouries.