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Great first half; pity about the second
This was going really well - I especially liked the humour and your efforts to flesh out the backstory - until we descended into all the "Beg me to fuck your asspipe, slut!" dialogue, which seemed to have been imported from another story entirely. The humour vanished and took my interest in the characters with it. A pity, because the opening had real promise.
I agree
I agree with the first comment. The first half was wonderful but the dialogue from the middle on didn't seem like it really fit with the rest of the story. . .
Hot, but the talk gets a bit excessive
Hey, I love nasty talk during sex - especially when it involves anal. But I think you go just a bit overboard here and, as others have pointed out, inadvertently distract your readers from the experience. Cut out a few of these lines or make them just a bit more naturalistic. "Asspipe" is pretty farfetched, no matter how you slice it. "Slut" works really well when it fits the characterizaion and tone of the story, but comes across as very incongruous if the person saying it isn't fleshed out enough. You used this kind of dialogue better in SERVICING A CLIENT (where the characters were just a bit older and perhaps more repressed, making their uninhibited talk seem more believable), so I wouldn't advise cutting it out completely. Rather, trimming and tailoring it to fit the specific story and characters better will make your writing that much hotter and more satisfying.
yes!
i like the shitpipe talk!
CAN WE BLAME IT ON THE KILLER WEED
or is Shelly just a horny slut, TK U MLJ LV NV
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