Surprisingly, I found this story very heartwarming. I quite enjoyed it. Well done Og!!
by
Anonymous01/27/07
Enjoyable
I enjoyed the situation and the result, but didn't expect the relations prior to the weekend.
by
Anonymous01/27/07
Edit Story carefully, first
Carelessness like the following distracts. If the second sentence of the first paragraph was the last of these two paragraphs, the "flow" would've been achieved seamlessly. Shifting tenses back and forth within a paragraph --- with stayed within a very small time frame (in actual time) --- was also a bad idea. There's nothing "clever" about; it just added to the distruction. Otherwise, it's a good story.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Even when I arrived at her flat, all she could do was hug me and wet my shoulder with her tears. I drove back to my flat. It is small but private. Claire shares with three friends. Intimate conversation is only possible in a bedroom and even then has to be in whispers. The partition walls are very thin. Claire works shifts. This was an early week so her flatmates wouldn't be home yet but would be soon.
I rang the doorbell. Claire opened the door. I entered as she hurled herself into my arms. I hugged her as she cried on my shoulder. I pushed the flat door shut behind us. I stroked her blonde hair gently. I had always liked Claire's hair. Now her hairstyle was much shorter but her hair was still smooth and silky.
No, not really. Slick and sexy read. Great story, og. Good luck in the contest.
by
Anonymous01/27/07
Not Bad
Not exactly a shocker but a nice read.
by
Anonymous01/27/07
interesting
I found the story interesting, but I would like to say one thing. I know you're from England because of the way you talk, so why don't you just say so in your profle.
by
Anonymous01/28/07
Unfinished
Hate unfinished stories that are good!!!!!!
by
Anonymous01/29/07
Reply to anonymous of 1-27
What part of "I write in British English" do you not understand?
by
Anonymous01/30/07
"And what's wrong with that , I'd like to know ?"
What the fuck is wrong with being British ? many Americans are of British stock . I'm a Scot and proud of it so...Fuck Off . Keep up the good writing chum .
by
Anonymous01/30/07
Why Not Identify Yourself As British?
Because the overwhelming majority of them are wimps. The only one I can think of who doesn’t seem to be is The Wanderer, but he has a fulltime job and can’t write as often as the wimpy Brit “writers.”
toss the "old" partners; these 2 Siblings actually seem to be a very good match. I agree with others; please continue with "their story". All of the build-up to the weekend but then we're left hanging, WTH??
English
Well Done!!
Surprisingly, I found this story very heartwarming. I quite enjoyed it. Well done Og!!
Enjoyable
I enjoyed the situation and the result, but didn't expect the relations prior to the weekend.
Edit Story carefully, first
Carelessness like the following distracts. If the second sentence of the first paragraph was the last of these two paragraphs, the "flow" would've been achieved seamlessly. Shifting tenses back and forth within a paragraph --- with stayed within a very small time frame (in actual time) --- was also a bad idea. There's nothing "clever" about; it just added to the distruction. Otherwise, it's a good story.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Even when I arrived at her flat, all she could do was hug me and wet my shoulder with her tears. I drove back to my flat. It is small but private. Claire shares with three friends. Intimate conversation is only possible in a bedroom and even then has to be in whispers. The partition walls are very thin. Claire works shifts. This was an early week so her flatmates wouldn't be home yet but would be soon.
I rang the doorbell. Claire opened the door. I entered as she hurled herself into my arms. I hugged her as she cried on my shoulder. I pushed the flat door shut behind us. I stroked her blonde hair gently. I had always liked Claire's hair. Now her hairstyle was much shorter but her hair was still smooth and silky.
In answer to your question...
No, not really. Slick and sexy read. Great story, og. Good luck in the contest.
Not Bad
Not exactly a shocker but a nice read.
interesting
I found the story interesting, but I would like to say one thing. I know you're from England because of the way you talk, so why don't you just say so in your profle.
Unfinished
Hate unfinished stories that are good!!!!!!
Reply to anonymous of 1-27
What part of "I write in British English" do you not understand?
"And what's wrong with that , I'd like to know ?"
What the fuck is wrong with being British ? many Americans are of British stock . I'm a Scot and proud of it so...Fuck Off . Keep up the good writing chum .
Why Not Identify Yourself As British?
Because the overwhelming majority of them are wimps. The only one I can think of who doesn’t seem to be is The Wanderer, but he has a fulltime job and can’t write as often as the wimpy Brit “writers.”
Bloody good!!!
That is a damn good story. I bid you luck in the contest. I love the way you write. The British English is great. Really is. . .
Good story
Well done. Good luck with the contest.
continue!
please continue the story! this a great start to a series,and i would like to see what happes next!!!
Please
Continue it's to good to leave hanging
lovely unexpected story
toss the "old" partners; these 2 Siblings actually seem to be a very good match. I agree with others; please continue with "their story". All of the build-up to the weekend but then we're left hanging, WTH??
Thx;
DKP
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