by brinyr09
You could have done a lot more to flesh out the story. An example: On the bus, he stops time, then he's at his locker. You never get into how he finds out how to start time.
You are iniating the sex too soon. You could gradually have your protagonist gradually learn how to operate the watch and realize its powers. Probably you would need a whole chapter for that. Then move into the sex.
I assume he will find out that if he gives people commands while time is stopped, they will obey them after he restarts time again. That's a common element of these kind of stories.
Not a lot of grammatical errors, etc., so, it might be worth trying again with a rewrite.
Not a bad start really. Sure, you could have spent a little more time building up and fleshing out the story, but that may also come with practice and more writing. I do like the the stopwatch concept, please continue working on it and submit more chapters.
PLease, before you continue this, read how to work the concept non-eroticly - "The girl, the gold watch and everything" by John D. Macdonald shows how it should be told.
this has been my fantasy for about two years now since entering college.. all the amazing girls that would rather study than fool around.. man i wish i could stop time and just have a nice quicky..haha great story
this story wasn't good. It wasn't fleshed out, the characters weren't developed at all, the plot was tired and has been done MANY times. It seemed like these things may have been overlooked because the writer was anxious to get to the sex, but even that was bad.
Needs some humiliation thrown in for good measure! Love to see more!
My Goodness! Why is this comment section so "short story/high school lit?" This is crazy! I thought this was fun and quick. It accomplished my goal. Quit being so critical-you would think with this being a, shhh- written porn site- you might be a little more relaxed. I have heard orgasms can make you less uptight. maybe you should imagine the stories in your heads and get off then rate them.
This is a good quickie story.
Yes, you could do more, but it's good the way it is.
I like that you decided to set it in a public place. Just makes the intimacy of sex more alien when strangers are frozen around the two characters. I'd love to see more like this.
This was the worst literorica story I've ever read.
Please continue this story.
and hey... while your at it, try adding some more emotions and feelings if you like...
say for example : my heart was pounding, I was sweating, I was exhausted... something like that.
Other than that, just keep on writing this one WAS GOOD.
My only criticism of this fine story is how the guy KNEW the watch made time stop:
"I couldn't believe my eyes. Time had actually stopped!"
How did he know? I don't think that would be anyone's first guess. The author should repair this easily fixable detail.
Overall, excellent!
First sentence- how many cocks do you have? *were*
As juvenile as it is possible to get...
Please continue!
Only I didn’t have enough intimacy, that is, describe the shape and color of the breasts and nipples more, as well as the vulva. Not only is she overgrown.