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English
The previous commenter
didn't seem to notice that the author is female writing from the male point of view. That pretty much blunts the criticism. Nice job, brokendarkone. Look forward to seeing more...
Damned good piece of work!!!
I liked this story a lot!! Makes me want a hot little daughter of my own!!
Nasty but that's not a bad thing...
Nice, nasty elements. Story seems to begin unraveling during the shower scene. The shift in tense takes away from the narrative flow.
good
Very good and I know you were probally expanding but I think it would have been better from the daughters point of veiw
Unfortunately...............
a little too violent for my taste - would be better in the NonConsent/Reluctance section
Varying your word choice is important
Not too bad brokendarkone, but you should pay attention to word choice. It is not my intention to "slam" you, but I will offer some constructive criticism. You used the word "whimper" 18 times, "whisper" 6 or 7, times and you tend to jump back and forth in what are known as "tense shifts." I'll bet that if you took the time to proofread your product, you would say to yourself, "redundancy sucks." The primary reason that I am pointing this out is because you have a great story here, but as a member of your audience, I found myself being distracted by the, albeit few; yet, extremely important aforementioned elements. Take your time, proofread, proofread, have someone you can trust proofread it, and then proofread it again. A great story? Absolutely. However, trying to get passed "she shakily shook her head" instead of "nervously, she offered a quick shake of her head in response" is difficult. And because of contiguous errors such as I have commented, many in your audience will discontinue reading, and tell you, through anonymity, of course, just how much you suck at writing. And that is hardly the case. Keep writing, as you have great potential, which is why I scored you a 4. Respectfully, Michael M., English Teacher.
I thought this to be absolutly delish and will go into my spank bank
I also shared it on my page but sited you as the author with a link to the page to view the original :)
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