Offworld

terrible

The writing on this is almost childish at best. It doesn't flow from one scene to another. Your writing was too much tell and not enough 'show.' I've read technical mechanical instruction booklets that could get me off easier than this. Not only that, but the dialogue is jilted and forced, and often you can't tell which of the forgettable characters is speaking.

I only read through half of it because the writing was so bad. The mistress is flat and makes no sense why she is suddenly convicted of treason. It's a poor plot device to get him onto the sort-of human's ship. The random spaceship fight was laughable at best and sleep inducing at worst. We get no build up for any of this and I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out why the plot was doing what it was doing. It makes no sense and needs either a second review or an editor with a pen to add in what should be in here. I suggest taking another look at this and perhaps reposting after you've had someone edit this.