The scene wasn't set up properly. You rushed straight into the sex. Take your time. Hopefully your next one will be better.
by
Anonymous06/09/07
Please
If you don't have the first clue as to punctuation, spelling, grammar or tense, please don't write another. It's a crime.
by
Anonymous06/09/07
Keep writing
A lot of reviewers on this site seem to think this is some kind creative writing class... well, it isn't. It IS all about confronting your desires and giving some kind of life to your those late at night- alone in your bed- sexual flights of fantasy. And I think you did exactly that.
When I began writing here (also in the incest category)(aswpc here) it kept me sexually aroused for days at a time. And to find it aroused women as well.... that was even better.
So keep your fingers busy(sic) and let the words flow... And don't worry about the grammar, etc., that will cum eventually as you keep writing and reading other stories.
Happy fantasies...
Oh... and I would be your Daddy anytime.
by
Anonymous06/09/07
Yuck
Dull, badly written, rushed, no build-up. Could've been good if you'd put any effort into it.
by
Anonymous06/09/07
What they said
and more so
by
Anonymous06/09/07
Jeez, people. It's her second story.
Give the girl a chance. I see you are all ready to attack her but the only constructive comment was for her to keep trying. I agree. Yes, she has a long way to go.
For the author: do the first draft in Word or some other program and use the spell checker. Look for the green line under words. That tells you that there is a question about what you wrote (it's not always right though). Watch your tenses. Get yourself an editor (try to get a good one). Good luck on your next effort. Ron
by
06/10/07
It was o.k.
Definitely suits the category of young horny daughter and desperate dad. I'm sure it could be better.
by
Anonymous06/11/07
Good start
I liked the story but i think you could use a proof reader, the main thing is stinking with the proper tense. did the events being written about already take place or ar they happening in the here and now?
by
Anonymous07/02/07
DYNAMITE
Get some one to help you sort out the text,if its a man he will have to be a strong character just reading this,You remind me of my parents next door neighbors daughter she was dynamite at sixteen,i nearly fucked myself to death with her,i was 34 at the time.You are a very naughty girl i am pleased to say,keep it up and you will have many male fans.
by
Anonymous07/16/07
PILLOCKS
Carry on Princess,dont listen to the pillocks that made stupid comments,you are on the right track believe me.
by
Anonymous07/17/07
What are you doing?
What are you doing reading other erotic submissions,when you should be getting on with part two of this very erotic tale.You are extremely naughty ,I am pleased to say.
English
Blah
The scene wasn't set up properly. You rushed straight into the sex. Take your time. Hopefully your next one will be better.
Please
If you don't have the first clue as to punctuation, spelling, grammar or tense, please don't write another. It's a crime.
Keep writing
A lot of reviewers on this site seem to think this is some kind creative writing class... well, it isn't. It IS all about confronting your desires and giving some kind of life to your those late at night- alone in your bed- sexual flights of fantasy. And I think you did exactly that.
When I began writing here (also in the incest category)(aswpc here) it kept me sexually aroused for days at a time. And to find it aroused women as well.... that was even better.
So keep your fingers busy(sic) and let the words flow... And don't worry about the grammar, etc., that will cum eventually as you keep writing and reading other stories.
Happy fantasies...
Oh... and I would be your Daddy anytime.
Yuck
Dull, badly written, rushed, no build-up. Could've been good if you'd put any effort into it.
What they said
and more so
Jeez, people. It's her second story.
Give the girl a chance. I see you are all ready to attack her but the only constructive comment was for her to keep trying. I agree. Yes, she has a long way to go.
For the author: do the first draft in Word or some other program and use the spell checker. Look for the green line under words. That tells you that there is a question about what you wrote (it's not always right though). Watch your tenses. Get yourself an editor (try to get a good one). Good luck on your next effort. Ron
It was o.k.
Definitely suits the category of young horny daughter and desperate dad. I'm sure it could be better.
Good start
I liked the story but i think you could use a proof reader, the main thing is stinking with the proper tense. did the events being written about already take place or ar they happening in the here and now?
DYNAMITE
Get some one to help you sort out the text,if its a man he will have to be a strong character just reading this,You remind me of my parents next door neighbors daughter she was dynamite at sixteen,i nearly fucked myself to death with her,i was 34 at the time.You are a very naughty girl i am pleased to say,keep it up and you will have many male fans.
PILLOCKS
Carry on Princess,dont listen to the pillocks that made stupid comments,you are on the right track believe me.
What are you doing?
What are you doing reading other erotic submissions,when you should be getting on with part two of this very erotic tale.You are extremely naughty ,I am pleased to say.
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