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English
Idea
The idea seems good. Concept has promise. It is difficult to read though. Needs some grammar and spelling fixes. Send it through a word processor or get an editor to patch it for you and you might have an interesting story here.
A lot of potential
I really like the idea of this story but it was rather difficult to understand. It was a bit disjointed. I think that if you got an editor this would be an amazing story. You have a lot of potential so please keep writing!!
try again
I really did try to read this story. I think I would have liked it if it hadn't had so many mistakes. I just could not understand it enough to really get into it. Please try for an editor and definately resubmit. I have no doubt that the story is good.
At least ...
... you didn't "Treathen" us with further chapters.
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